DS hates me almost adult

[Flojoohno]

DS (17) has form for seeing someone new and behaving horribly.
We have different opinions on transgender and he becomes offended when I call his trans-boyfriends girls. We have often debated trans topics and I thought respectfully disagree albeit with a little teasing and eye rolling when I call his friends by their original gender to him (never met them).
Anyway, in my opinion gender isn’t relevant to the events. At the weekend unbeknownst to me DS had a trans-boy (16) stay over, they left the house untidy, DS didn’t sleep at all before a big event (training all year for) and had bites all over his neck for said event in front of an audience of several hundred people, he missed the start of the event because they went together (which wasn’t the plan) and arrived late letting team mates down. Anyway I got home to house strewn with energy drink cans and untidy and smelt funny, maybe vapes but I cannot be certain.
I shouted at DS that he was out of order having someone here without my consent and when I wasn’t home. DS then refused to discuss the matter so I drove to the trans-boys/girls parents home to let them know what happened and that they may or may not have had sex and they may need to check if protection was used. I was calm and polite as were they and that was that. On Monday my DS and the other person were clearly talking about it and DS took it upon himself to apologise to the parents on my behalf and apparent the parents said I was batshit and overprotective and they felt sorry for him. I am so upset that he has apologised on my behalf for nothing.
At night DS hands his phone in as he always has and I infrequently check it, probably not checked it for a year or two but I wanted to know what the full story was and why he had apologised and what the parents had said that for and his messages to that person were nasty like ‘I hate my mum and if I had anywhere else to go I wouldn’t be here’ ‘she’s a bigot’ ‘your dad should have punched her for turning up uninvited’.
To add fuel to the fire I then messaged this person, thinking it was DS, telling them that I didn’t mean it and my mum is lovely actually just a bit protective because she cares etc.
DS has told this person it was me and they’ve clearly both been bitching about me all day. DS who was ok about it when I told him what I’d done this morning and apologised then text me later telling me how I broke the law and his human rights etc.
It’s a mess. He’s due home any minute and should be handing his phone in for the night because he is a screen addict and won’t function of no sleep. For context I tried leaving him with screen in summer and he was sick as a dog from lack of sleep.
His college grades have gone down hill rapidly from A*s to D’s in a matter of months and his finals are three months away.
He’s also gone extreme lazy around the house and won’t be a single thing without being nagged.
I’ve handled this very badly but how do others manage with almost adults?

I hear you now. He sounds like a lazy sod.

Just wondering how I would deal with a parent turning up on my doorstep telling me their 17yo DS had likely had sex with my 17yo DD… 😶

He is 18 soon. I would have his bags packed and he can go and live with the sympathetic parents who think you are batshit. I give it 6 weeks.

Helpful!🤔

Prof. Lord Robert Winston said '' I will say this categorically, that you cannot change your sex. Your sex is actually there in every cell of the body.''

Thank you, some good advice.

Just to answer a few questions..

I mentioned the trans as that’s what’s fuelling DS anger.
I’ve never met his friend, I called him ‘girlfriend’ to DS as it’s been a running joke for a while after another family member misgendered and got themselves in a pickle over it.

Nearly 18 yo DS and going to uni soon and just turned 16 yo DD/DS and still at school.

I didn’t rush to parents house, nor did I shout or make a fuss. I had a two minute conversation that started with ‘sorry to bother you but I was just a bit concerned to find out your child had stayed at mine when I wasn’t there and didn’t know and just wanted to let you know as I don’t know what went on but my living room was trashed and DS was late for his thing and as an aside I don’t know if they used protection so you may want to check. I will be speaking to DS later and letting him know that I don’t want his friends staying over when I’m not home.’

I didn’t compare DS friend to a rapist, I just used current affairs to open the conversation that things aren’t as black and white as DS thinks and despite the law there are still ongoing issues around trans and we can still respectfully agree to disagree but I didn’t say that I just said hey have you read this article and by the way I’m sorry for xyz…

We have agreed to DS letting me know if he wants someone to stay when I’m not there and DS still wants to hand his screens in but I won’t check his phone again.
He doesn’t see it as an addiction and believes everyone is like him but as far as I know other children don’t stare at their screen for 72 hours straight then proceed to vomit everywhere. I’ve no idea how he will handle it at uni, I’m guessing he’ll get turfed out before the first terms finished but hopefully if he has some good friends they might be able to help him.

This. Just let him get on with it now.

Can you still not see how fucked up it all is?? I have a 16 year old DD and would also call you batshit if you turned up on my doorstep and said all that to me!

And I'm sorry but any 17 year old who says they still wants to hand their phone to their parent is either lying or been emotionally manipulated by the parent. I'm sure we can guess which. I also have a 17 year old DS and if I'd gone on his phone and pretended to be him then he'd be so angry and rightly so. I hope your DS has changed his pass code as there's no way you aren't going to check it again

get one of those phone saves that have a timer and get your son to lock it away overnight, not give it you, that’s not right.

Back off on the trans arguments, they are entitled to their feelings and opinions and they are probably in the right in the most part. It is confusing and wearing for us parents but you get used to it.

focus on what is important, your son’s grades and his current behaviour towards them. Perhaps engage a tutor to try and get him on track? Talk to him rather than all this batshittery you have been doing? Because some of it is nuts, you do know you have been unreasonable and over the top, don’t you?

You're getting slated a lot here OP but I understand why you're concerned and I don't think YABU. The collapse in his grades, inability to turn up on time to something he's prepared all year for, and deterioration in personal hygiene all point to him going through something that he needs help for.

To the posters saying, it's his body his choice, that is not it. Our job as parents is to prepare our young adults to be functioning and pro-social members of society. poor hygiene and a collapse in usual interests and sense of purpose, are all signs that something is badly wrong.

As to the sex issue. Turning up at his boyfriend's house to say they'd been having sex was definitely not your finest hour. However, many transboys erroneously believe that they cannot get pregnant because they are trans, or do not want to take birth control because it makes them dysphoric. This is an extremely active topic of conversation on FtM subreddits, discords and other spaces. Of course, they CAN get pregnant and letting his parents know was wise although your method was not.

Where YABU is to have allowed yourself to get locked into an antagonistic stances with your DS. He is clearly going through stuff and he needs your support. I would suggest letting the dust settle and then sitting down with him, to talk kindly and with love. Show clearly that you are on his side. I wish you all the best x

Is this actually real?

Being gender critical- fine if that's your stance

Being rude about his friends- not fine, especially when he's clearly not comfortable with your "jokes".

Being angry at the state he and his friend/partner left your home in- fine. That's disrespectful of them.

Being concerned that he's putting casual sex ahead of his responsibilities to a team he's committed to- fine, but also, 17 year old lad. So it sort of goes with the territory. He got there though and didn't stay in bed with his partner all day, so it's alright I reckon.

Being annoyed about love bites on his neck- not your problem, not your neck, not your sex life, not your choice.

Driving to the friend/partners house to tell the parents, totally unannounced, that your legal age son and their legal age teen might have had sex and that they need to grill their teen about contraception- not fine. Again, what the actual fuck were you thinking?

Feeling hurt about your son's opinion of you? Fine. If someone's got a negative opinion of you, it can hurt to discover that.

Doing absolutely nothing to understand him, his life, his choices, why he might have that opinion and what you can do to make your relationship better? Not fine. Not fine at all.

Taking his phone off him at night - not fine. It's not boot camp, it's his home for now.

Going through his messages- iffy. If you thought he was at risk of harm, yeah. But you didn't.
Texting someone impersonating him to portray yourself in a better light- not fine. What the actual fuck were you thinking?

Taking a basically adults phone away, not ok. Going to a random house and telling them their above age of consent child, may or may not have slept with your child, is not ok. Pretending to be your almost adult son and sending messages, is a huge invasion of his privacy. Expecting him to respect your house, and not leave it a mess, reasonable. Being concerned he's failing college, is reasonable, but it's his choice. It sounds like neither of you much like or respect the other and it's showing in both your attitudes.

What were the alternative teens being when you were 17 OP? Goths? Emos?
Think of the teen trans stuff as being like that. Most of them will grow out of it. A few of them won’t. Humour them while it lasts and don’t make a big deal out of it.
Buy condoms for your son.

It’s too late now. Your time to parent him has gone. It’s done.

I disagree with this. I have a child a similar age and certainly don't feel I'm done with parenting. It's never too late to start making things better.

OP, in your shoes I think I would start with an apology- for mocking his friend, for overstepping boundaries, for going to the parents house and for pretending to be him. All of this was wrong and you need to apologise. IME kids are far more accepting of (genuine) apologies than you might think, and doing this might give you a chance of a bit of a reset.

Then, try to start fresh. No more mocking his partner for being a trans boy- whatever your views on the gender debate, this is inappropriate even if you think it's a running joke. Your son is almost an adult so needs more privacy and respect than you are giving him- stop going through his phone etc. It was completely inappropriate to turn up at the parents' house, but a conversation with your son about contraception may well have been appropriate (TBH I wouldn't attempt it now though- you've made your point).

It's fine to have rules about what goes in your house. They made a mess, they should have tidied it up. So I wouldn't lower your expectations on that, just change how you react when those expectations are not met- in other words, don't just lose your shit but try to respond like an adult.

Well you've fucked that one up. Why on earth would you text off his phone saying shit he doesn't believe 😂 Dumbass decision.

Tell him and he can't have his bloke mates around again.

You've acknowledged it wasn't your finest moment so probably don't need me to add that you've overstepped in places.

But I also think his behaviour and attitude is awful. He's flunking college, glued to his screens, totally disrespecting your house, vaping or doing whatever else in your house so it smells, and suggesting another man should be violent to his mother.

There was another thread recently about a 17 year old boy playing at being an adult whilst giving his mother attitude and behaving like an immature child. Most 17 year olds don't behave like this and are getting ready to move into young adulthood.

Let me get this right? You demand to see your 17 year olds phone to check it, you drive to their friends house to make a scene to their parents about how they might have had sex (which they are both over the age of consent for) and you wonder why your son might have an issue with you?

Yes it's ok to be pissed off they left the house messy, but you seem very controlling

And his SEN are extremely relevant Op.

Not showering is a common issue because of sensory processing.

Not being able to regulate sleep is common with many SEN.

Not being able to regulate screen time is common with SEN.

Try addressing these problems after doing some research into how his specific SEN may interact with them.

dont give him lifts

Tell him GET A JOB .

If he gets money from you, none of it unless he maintains good hygiene and does chores at home.
If he isn't focusing in college have a sit down with him and his tutors ONCE

At the end of the day he is 17 if he doesn't want to do his work then he'll fail and suffer the consequences. Maybe afterwards he will go to an FE or resit or do an apprenticeship. Now is the time for him to learn the lesson

You shouldn't be going through his phone or interfering in his personal relationships! especially if there isn't anything dangerous or violent going on.

Wether he has trans partners or not isn't really relevant. teenagers fuck up and generally start being stupid when they're in relationships. Have a chat about keeping his head but probably you have soured this already so he is unlikely to be open to anything you have to say on the subject.

You can see how regardless of your being GC if you talk about his partners in a way he feels is disrespectful that he won't be willing to hear anything else you have to say? If someone calls you twat and then gives good advice you don't hear it!

Either way, you need to take a step back and think about how you're approaching this because its extremely destructive to any future relationship with him.

What a mess! Do you have any understanding of gender. So you deliberately wind him up by misgenering his friends, and then you embarass him by turn8ng up at his lovers parents home to give them a lecture about safe sex. Its not clear if his partner is capable of becoming pregnant but yes, STI are possible....but he's 17 and that conversation is years too late. Why do you fhink this is any of your business?
Why are you snooping in your sons phone?I bet even my best friend would find something derogatory I've written about her at some point so it's quite normal for kids to moan about their parents. You had no right to do this but now you have why not reflect on what he's written. Then you fraudulently pretend to be him and message. That's very weird bordering on crazy. No wonder your poor son apologised for your behaviour. Let's be clear, he wasn't passing on an apology on your behalf, he was sorry that he had brought all this to their door.
All the other things about his behaviour sound normal but agreeably negative but it seems your blaming it on his relationships. If it wasn't this person, it would be PS or weed etc. You need to agree what chores he should be doing as well as some house rules.
He's 17. He probably has ADHD too which genuinely makes tasks such as being tidy and organised. It might also be affecting his college work. See how you can support him to achieve....but back off a bit...a give him an apology. I bet you get one back!

That you need an explanation is shocking. The whole episode is shocking, on your part that is. You say gender doesn’t matter but you make quite a lot of it in that case. What else is terrible? Well the driving round to the other parent to tell them about possible sex, the taking his phone off him at night like he is a much younger child. I am truly not surprised he hates you based on this post. I feel very very sorry for him. My parents were abusive too, I can promise you, you won’t be part of his life for much longer.

You handled it appallingly.

I would have punished son for leaving house in that state - he's responsible for friends when there - and definitely not gone to complain to their parents.

The fact that you went through his phone aside, which I don't think is at all acceptable at his age, the fact that he advocated male on female violence is deeply concerning.

You seem more concerned with what the other parents think than in actually imposing appropriate discipline.

He's a dick plain and simple. Damn right your not being respectful to him by checking his phone because he damn well ISNT respecting your home, leaving things a mess, messing his sleep up, having persons in your home without consent it's a shit show.

If he wants to mess his life up and fail his exams, leave a mess and stay up all night on His phone or up all night with his 'partner' then he needs to do it with respect and with your permission or he needs to get a job and move out and ruin his life in his own flat.

Maybe don't joke about misgendering his mates/partners because clearly he can't take a joke at this point

When he respects you and the home he can have respect also and you won't check his phone.

I can't say much more that hasn't already been said, other than have some faith in your son, OP. Seriously. He needs you to believe in him. You clearly don't believe he is capable of managing uni, so why should he believe he is capable? No wonder there are issues. Be his parent. Support him. Help him to believe in himself. You are his mother. Believe in him. Please.