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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's in the wrong here ??

22 replies

bubblec · 28/02/2023 20:44

DH has been very unsupportive during my mental health breakdown and if anything, he has thrown it back in my face when we have argued despite knowing how hard it is for me to even open up.

Fast forward, someone in his immediate family is going through something and he's been telling me I should call up and show my support etc and tell them I'm there for them.

I've told my DH I'm not going to do that since my own DH hasn't supported me when I've needed it so why should I really do anything he asks me.

AIBU or YANBU and why

OP posts:
Cheeseandpickleplease · 28/02/2023 20:48

Just split up what a miserable way to live

Springintoabetterlife · 28/02/2023 20:49

You are choosing not to help someone else because you are annoyed at your husband. This makes no sense. I agree with @Cheeseandpickleplease, your marriage isn’t in a good place either work on it or move on.

UdoU · 28/02/2023 20:50

YANBU, he sounds like a prick. Good on you for telling him that, what was his response?

GPFavo · 28/02/2023 20:50

So you won’t be nice to someone because you don’t think your DH was nice enough to you? This kind of shit is what makes the world a terrible place. Sorry you’re going through stuff, good luck with your recovery.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2023 20:50

he's been telling me I should call up and show my support etc and tell them I'm there for them

Is he doing those things?

Do you care about them? You may not have enough in your tank to support anyone else but if you’d contact them normally then deciding not to in some sort of revenge on him seems disproportionate.

Are you getting proper help for your breakdown? Mental illness is awful for the person dealing with it and those who care about them. He shouldn’t be trying to make things harder for you but he can’t fix you either.

UdoU · 28/02/2023 20:50

Springintoabetterlife · 28/02/2023 20:49

You are choosing not to help someone else because you are annoyed at your husband. This makes no sense. I agree with @Cheeseandpickleplease, your marriage isn’t in a good place either work on it or move on.

Or he could help his own immediate family member instead of foisting the task on the nearest woman?

Original poster
bubblec · 28/02/2023 20:51

Springintoabetterlife · 28/02/2023 20:49

You are choosing not to help someone else because you are annoyed at your husband. This makes no sense. I agree with @Cheeseandpickleplease, your marriage isn’t in a good place either work on it or move on.

It feels unfair that he's so concerned about them but what about his own DW. Sounds selfish but why should I be expected to show up when they never showed up for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblec · 28/02/2023 20:52

UdoU · 28/02/2023 20:50

YANBU, he sounds like a prick. Good on you for telling him that, what was his response?

He has nothing to say & just continues to tell me what I should do. I personally thinks he needs to concentrate a bit closer first

OP posts:
GPFavo · 28/02/2023 20:52

UdoU · 28/02/2023 20:50

Or he could help his own immediate family member instead of foisting the task on the nearest woman?

Show quote history

Two people can both be nice to one other person at the same time…

RunningFromInsanity · 28/02/2023 20:53

People with their own MH issues should not be expected to be a support group for someone else with MH issues.

Springintoabetterlife · 28/02/2023 20:54

bubblec · 28/02/2023 20:51

It feels unfair that he's so concerned about them but what about his own DW. Sounds selfish but why should I be expected to show up when they never showed up for me.

Show quote history

You don’t need to show up for anyone else but you need to deal with how you feel
and discuss it with your husband before it destroys your marriage.

Original poster
bubblec · 28/02/2023 20:54

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2023 20:50

he's been telling me I should call up and show my support etc and tell them I'm there for them

Is he doing those things?

Do you care about them? You may not have enough in your tank to support anyone else but if you’d contact them normally then deciding not to in some sort of revenge on him seems disproportionate.

Are you getting proper help for your breakdown? Mental illness is awful for the person dealing with it and those who care about them. He shouldn’t be trying to make things harder for you but he can’t fix you either.

I have been getting the help and I had some really tough times and he mocked me throughout and would makes comments like " are you joining your crazy group". DH or not, stuff like that sticks and it really changes how you see people.

Regarding the family, I never got on with them and in fact they made things very difficult for me and as a person I usually am very sympathetic with people but may be selfish on my end but I just can't bring myself to say anything.

OP posts:
Chickenly · 28/02/2023 20:55

What are they going through? If they’re going through an entirely different situation to you then it’s not really fair to compare how people respond. Some people are better equipped and have capacity for some issues but not for others. I’m a victim of child rape, I find it difficult to support others going through that because it’s triggering for me personally. If someone had a cancer diagnosis then I’d be better equipped to support them. It doesn’t reflect who I love or care about more.

Dacadactyl · 28/02/2023 20:56

They are 2 separate issues in my mind.

If you care about this family member, there's no harm in ringing them if you feel up to it.

But, this resentment you feel towards your DH is unhealthy in the extreme and bad for your marriage. You could do with some couples counselling to see if it's worth salvaging.

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 20:56

Are you close to the person who is struggling? If so, of course you should call them. If not, you shouldn't.

Original poster
bubblec · 28/02/2023 20:56

Chickenly · 28/02/2023 20:55

What are they going through? If they’re going through an entirely different situation to you then it’s not really fair to compare how people respond. Some people are better equipped and have capacity for some issues but not for others. I’m a victim of child rape, I find it difficult to support others going through that because it’s triggering for me personally. If someone had a cancer diagnosis then I’d be better equipped to support them. It doesn’t reflect who I love or care about more.

The X persons parent has gone to jail and they're sad about it. I on the other hand had a whole breakdown and completely went into dark places while raising our small children.

OP posts:
Chickenly · 28/02/2023 21:01

bubblec · 28/02/2023 20:56

The X persons parent has gone to jail and they're sad about it. I on the other hand had a whole breakdown and completely went into dark places while raising our small children.

Show quote history

Yeah, your marriage is over. Honestly, you don’t sound like you’re in a place to facilitate a relationship.

WandaWonder · 28/02/2023 21:14

Sure he sounds odd but your response sounds childish

Onnabugeisha · 28/02/2023 21:14

You’re both wrong. He hurt you, so you’re going to hurt someone else.
That’s how the cycle of abuse keeps going.

redastherose · 28/02/2023 21:27

I think the OP is getting a really hard time here. There is a saying 'you can't pour from and empty jug'. OP has had a breakdown and not only wasn't supported by her not so 'D'H but was actually mocked by him. Now one of his family members is having a hard time and OP is supposed to support them. Did they offer OP support when she had a breakdown? If so maybe OP would feel like offering support back but if she was ignored then why should she expend what little energy she has with small children to look after on someone who didn't help her?

OP, your H sounds like an unfeeling prick to have mocked your MH issues. Do you have any family support? If so start making plans to leave him and his family to sort themselves out.

mamabear715 · 28/02/2023 21:29

Totally agree, @redastherose

UdoU · 28/02/2023 21:30

redastherose · 28/02/2023 21:27

I think the OP is getting a really hard time here. There is a saying 'you can't pour from and empty jug'. OP has had a breakdown and not only wasn't supported by her not so 'D'H but was actually mocked by him. Now one of his family members is having a hard time and OP is supposed to support them. Did they offer OP support when she had a breakdown? If so maybe OP would feel like offering support back but if she was ignored then why should she expend what little energy she has with small children to look after on someone who didn't help her?

OP, your H sounds like an unfeeling prick to have mocked your MH issues. Do you have any family support? If so start making plans to leave him and his family to sort themselves out.

Well said

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