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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The In Laws

27 replies

Booboo38 · 28/02/2023 12:49

My husband feels I am being unreasonable and does not understand why I feel so upset about this situation.

For context me (F42) and my husband (M42) have had fertility issues and have had 8 rounds of IVF over 12 years. We now have two beautiful daughters.

My brother in law and sister in law married 2017 and immediately tried to conceive they also found they had fertility issues so embarked on IVF. They had their beautiful daughter in 2019 and quickly tried to conceive a sibling.

2021 we had one final round of ivf as a last ditch attempt to give our daughter a sibling and against all odds it worked we were pregnant….

We had planned a trip to visit them for a week as they live in a different country and wanted to keep the news to ourselves until we had reached 12 weeks. I was so sick during the entire visit that we felt we had no option but to confess why I was in bed not able to participate.

They were surprised but congratulated us then proceeded to isolate themselves from us for over 3 days. We were left to fend for ourselves for the rest of our visit until we flew home. I felt so vulnerable and totally unwelcome in their home and couldn’t wait to go home. They never acknowledged any of this and did not check in to see how the pregnancy was progressing.

When we got to 16 weeks we planned a gender reveal to celebrate our happy news and they chose the exact same day to announce their pregnancy.

2022 they returned to the uk for the entire summer to see family and my sil did not come to meet our newborn baby. My bil stopped in for an hour on his way to the airport.

We recently traveled aboard to spend time with my BIl and SIL to meet their newest arrival and it was so awkward and uncomfortable I felt very sad and anxious. I did not want to be there and actively looked for reasons to be on my own. My husband called me out on it after and said I am being unreasonable as they obviously had some personal issues that prevented them from being happy for us. I want to talk it over with them both so they can understand how I feel and to hopefully put it behind us. I don’t want an apology or for them to beg for my forgiveness I just want them to understand that they caused me trauma. He doesn’t understand this and thinks it’s best left?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/02/2023 12:57

Tricky. Any ideas why they're being so inhospitable? What did they do to make you feel unwelcome? Can you just not visit them?

Brefugee · 28/02/2023 12:59

to be fair to them they were having problems getting pregnant and you apparently (from their pov) breeze in and announce you're pregnant while they are still trying.

Just try to chill a little and see things from their pov?

HermioneWeasley · 28/02/2023 13:01

“Trauma”

get over yourself

you have no idea what was going on for them when you had your second pregnancy and baby. Life is short, family is precious, concentrate on having a great relationship with them now rather than dragging up old stuff

Turnipworkharder · 28/02/2023 13:02

You and your husband appear to be doing all the 'running after' this couple. Why ?

ButterCrackers · 28/02/2023 13:04

Yanbu - they should be able to welcome this new family member. They can say that it’s difficult for them but they are happy for you. You could tell them how you feel and say that you want to clear the air for the sake of your kids.

OriginalUsername2 · 28/02/2023 13:09

Brefugee · 28/02/2023 12:59

to be fair to them they were having problems getting pregnant and you apparently (from their pov) breeze in and announce you're pregnant while they are still trying.

Just try to chill a little and see things from their pov?

I think this is it. She suddenly had a pregnant lady in her home and it was too much to deal with.

Ladyofthesea · 28/02/2023 13:10

I want to talk it over with them both so they can understand how I feel and to hopefully put it behind us.

It sounds like the problem is that you're the one who doesn't understand how they feel. The way you describe it here sounds like it's all about you and that you trampled over their feelings.

Lkydfju · 28/02/2023 13:18

I think it goes both ways here; they were trying to conceive and you came to visit them and told them you were pregnant. It’s not your fault but I’m imagining that caused them to feel upset. Maybe a conversation would help but you need to acknowledge that they had feelings too and it’s not just about you

Maray1967 · 28/02/2023 13:19

Agreed. I’ve had fertility problems in the past and several mcs. I understand why you told them of your second pregnancy but you have to understand that that news might have been very difficult for them. You’ve both had problems - and it sounds as though they’re still upset about what happened. I’d let it go, to be honest. Be grateful for your lovely DC and understand that not everyone coped well when they’re hoping to conceive. Something was done to me by people in an almost identical relationship as yours who knew of the problems we were having which took me a long time to get over. It was just thoughtless, not cruel, but it hurt.

TootHole · 28/02/2023 13:20

Yes YABU.
They didn't cause you trauma. You turned up pregnant in the home of family who were also having fertility issues. If anyone is going to understand how that feels, it should have been you.

readingismycardio · 28/02/2023 13:32

TootHole · 28/02/2023 13:20

Yes YABU.
They didn't cause you trauma. You turned up pregnant in the home of family who were also having fertility issues. If anyone is going to understand how that feels, it should have been you.

This. Now I see why people who never dealt with infertility don't understand, if people who know the grief don'tz

Brefugee · 28/02/2023 13:33

When we got to 16 weeks we planned a gender reveal to celebrate our happy news and they chose the exact same day to announce their pregnancy.

also this. FFS OP. Have some empathy.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2023 13:45

If you really feel that this nonsense, non-event is "trauma", there isn't too much any of us can say.

AvoNw · 28/02/2023 13:45

TootHole · 28/02/2023 13:20

Yes YABU.
They didn't cause you trauma. You turned up pregnant in the home of family who were also having fertility issues. If anyone is going to understand how that feels, it should have been you.

This. How disappointing that you‘re not able to show empathy when you’ve been through fertility issues yourself.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2023 13:49

So hang on, you're allowed to go through the 'trauma' of IVF but they are not, and you breeze in and announce your new pregnancy without any thought of how it might affect them?

Stop being so petty and congratulate each other. You don't have to live in each other's pockets but your children will be cousins for life.

Original poster
Booboo38 · 28/02/2023 13:52

Hey Cherrysoup

thank you for posting. They stayed in their bedroom the entire time only emerging for a drink. We were staying in there house and not familiar with the area. It was very awkward. I had terrible morning sickness and was struggling physically and emotionally. I know they were struggling mentally and totally understand as we have had the same struggles. It was not easy for us to conceive and we have had plenty of failures prior. I want to let it go and move on but feel so sad about what happened.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 28/02/2023 13:55

The key event in all these (the uncomfortable stay at their place) occurred years ago, no?

I think you need to let it go, accept that it was upsetting but that it's in the past, and understand their point of view too.

As for the future, just put effort into being friendly and supportive towards them, if you want a positive relationship going forward. You can't really do anything else. I certainly don't think anything you've said here warrants them acknowledging that they've "caused you trauma".

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 13:57

OP you know how hard infertility can be so surely you can understand why they were upset?

However now a conversation needs to be had to clear the air - especially if you're going to remain in regular contact.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/02/2023 14:00

So you’ve both had ivf and a long time conceiving. You went to their house pregnant. They got upset and now are still off with you over a year later?

In which case they are in the wrong. Unless they feel you deliberately went to visit them to rub their noses in it, and shoved it down their throats every conversation. Given that you now refer to the incident as “traumatic” it makes me wonder if you laid it on a bit thick.

Realistically though, this is your husband’s family so it’s up to him to sort it out, or not.

QuackMooBaaOink · 28/02/2023 14:15

Honestly, fertility is an absolute minefield of complex emotions.
But I am shocked at how little empathy you seem to have for their position?
For all you know, the day you're in their house telling them you're pregnant, could have been the day she'd taken a test and found out their latest ivf hadn't worked. The pain of desperately wanting a baby and having it happen for everyone around you is brutal. They congratulated you but obviously we're finding it difficult to process. Also, in terms of them announcing their pregnancy, if I had a family member who I knew had been struggling to conceive and gone through intense treatment to have a child, I'd have been delighted to find out they were expecting so close to me. Them being pregnant would have been the icing one the cake of the party and an extra reason to celebrate! You say they aren't happy for you, but honestly you don't seem to understand their position or be that happy for them either.
I would just put it in the past, focus on building a better relationship with them going forwards. Grudges and bitterness will not serve a purpose and neither of you are blameless in this.
Just enjoy your precious children and the opportunities you have going forwards.

MamOfFive · 28/02/2023 14:20

Having IVF yourself surely you can understand why they were so upset?

I think you're being unreasonable here. Let by gones be by gones and try and bridge the gap now op, be the bigger person instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Laiste · 28/02/2023 14:24

Hang on, hang on:
You had 8 rounds of IVF over 12 years and have two daughters.
First one born .... ?

BIL & SIL married in 2017, found they had fertility issues, embarked on IVF and had a DD in 2019 and quickly tried to conceive a sibling.

2021 we had one final round of ivf as a last ditch attempt to give our daughter a sibling and against all odds it worked we were pregnant….

So ... they already had a child when you stayed at theirs in 2019, pregnant with your second. And they were trying for their 2nd?

Oohhhh · 28/02/2023 14:28

Maybe the fact that you announced it face to face whilst in their home with no time for them to process it or prepare mentally was just too much. Watching you have morning sickness knowing they were TTC was maybe just all too much.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/02/2023 14:29

If you knew they had trouble conceiving, travelling abroad to stay with them for a week whilst pregnant and being really sick was not a good idea-this should have been cancelled!

Why were you so sad and anxious going to see them? Why did you try to be alone?

Original poster
Booboo38 · 28/02/2023 15:46

So they live a million miles away and the trip had been organised and paid for a long time in advance. My daughter was really looking forward to seeing her cousin and I did not know that I would feel as sick as I did when we arrived, I felt perfectly fine before. This sickness was debilitating. They were worried and wanted to call in a doctor so we had to tell them the reason. We did not waltz in and announce we were pregnant or take any joy in announcing it the way we did. I totally understand how they must have felt as we have endured the same over the years. Very happy for whoever was pregnant but sad that it had not happened for us. I have total empathy but I can’t shake this feeling.

I used the word trauma as I feel traumatised by all of these events still. I keep re running it in my mind questioning myself and their actions. I genuinely don’t know if I am a total knob and being unreasonable and let it go or wether we should talk about what happened so we can clear the air. This “mole hill” is a mountain of my own making and it’s effecting my relationship with my husband and my mental health. I only asked if I was being unreasonable not a character assassination. Not sure my mental health can cope with any more bashing so if you have anything unkind to say please keep it to yourself or have a laugh about it with your mates.

Our gender reveal was not some massive party it was just for us and grandparents. Another milestone we never thought we would get the chance to enjoy again. They knew this so why could they not tell everyone their happy news a day later or the day before. Why do we have to share one of our happiest days? Would you want someone upstaging you? Is this totally unreasonable of me?

We have celebrated their new arrival, we travelled half way around the world to meet them. I am so happy for them and wish them every happiness but there is an elephant in the room.

OP posts: