To not want to be friends anymore?

WineCap · 27/02/2023 15:07

You have to cut them off. I've fallen prey to this a few times as I seem to have a saviour complex. You'll never fix him and he'll always see you as his therapist. He will drain you until you have nothing more to give if you let him.

HairyFeline · 27/02/2023 15:09

It’s ok to say no, OP.
If you feel guilty about it, just say “I’m sorry but I have a lot on and just don’t have any spare to give out. If you’re feeling down, have you contacted XYZ yet? They’re supposed to be very good.”

Hope things get easier for you, OP. And hope you have someone in RL looking out for you.

Lavender14 · 27/02/2023 15:09

Just say exactly that- thanks for checking with me beforeunloading, honestly I have no emotional bandwidth today and a lot going on myself but I'll catch up with you when things are more settled and I'm in a better headspace.

Then hold your boundary.

Brightblueskysunshine · 27/02/2023 15:11

I would say delay talking to him until you have sorted yourself or have some free time . Seems like you have a lot on your plate op.

I have a friend who always calls when he needs me and is rarely there for me. I have started prioritizing my own issues now and slowly things are improving. I hated the fact that I was being taken for granted.

Original poster

Sapphire387 · 27/02/2023 15:45

Thank you all for your really kind messages x

OP posts:

ireallyliketheboy · 27/02/2023 15:51

I'd say "I'm sorry but I can't talk today as I've a lot of issues going on this end"

electricmoccasins · 27/02/2023 15:58

You have a ‘duck noir’ friend here. Nothing in it for you. Put yourself first.

Soproudoflionesses · 27/02/2023 16:00

I have a male friend like this too op. He knows my mum has recently started cancer treatment and hasn't once asked me how she is (has known her decades) but l know damn well if he needed me he would soon pick up the phone. Taken me years to realise it but he is a user. Sad but true.

Rainbowshine · 27/02/2023 16:09

It sounds like he needs proper help, not just someone to offload to.

You’re not qualified nor paid to be a therapist, doctor or anything else of that kind.

Tell him you have reached the point where you don’t think you can provide the right support for him, he needs to see his GP or a counsellor about how he’s feeling, not just offload to his personal network. I would say to him that you also are struggling with your own personal issues and aren’t the best person to talk to as it will send you over the edge.

Unfortunately depression does appear like selfish or self absorbed behaviour and that’s a sign that it’s beyond just a normal vent to a friend once in a while and has got to be a clinical issue needing clinical intervention.

Merryoldgoat · 27/02/2023 16:12

Emotional vampire. YADNBU

cassiatwenty · 27/02/2023 16:14

Rainbowshine · 27/02/2023 16:09

It sounds like he needs proper help, not just someone to offload to.

You’re not qualified nor paid to be a therapist, doctor or anything else of that kind.

Tell him you have reached the point where you don’t think you can provide the right support for him, he needs to see his GP or a counsellor about how he’s feeling, not just offload to his personal network. I would say to him that you also are struggling with your own personal issues and aren’t the best person to talk to as it will send you over the edge.

Unfortunately depression does appear like selfish or self absorbed behaviour and that’s a sign that it’s beyond just a normal vent to a friend once in a while and has got to be a clinical issue needing clinical intervention.

This

Offloading all the time is just selfish. And you are not a selfish person for wanting a break for your own sanity.

It would be better if he (or she) tried new things, learned new coping mechanisms. Yet these are all lessons one needs to go through. With a bit of help from a person who has the capacity to steer him.

melj1213 · 27/02/2023 16:22

I just had the text 'can I call you? I need to talk to someone'.

And I just don't have the emotional capacity today.

You gave the perfect response in your OP

"Sorry Emotional Vampire Friend, I can't talk today. I have a lot going on myself and I just don't have the emotional capacity to deal with anyone else's issues at the moment. If you still need to talk to someone have you tried XYZ instead?"

SouthCountryGirl · 27/02/2023 16:24

I've been in your situation. I was blamed for him being sectioned. (I was going through some personal issues and couldn't be doing with his issues. Me ignoring him supposedly caused him to be sectioned)

cruisebaba1 · 27/02/2023 16:29

Sapphire387 · 27/02/2023 15:03

I'm just exhausted.

It's a one-way friendship where my 'friend' calls me for emotional support as needed but otherwise we have very little to do with each other. He's an old colleague of mine.

I just had the text 'can I call you? I need to talk to someone'.

And I just don't have the emotional capacity today.

I'm pregnant, hormonal, shattered, some stuff going on with my kids (one has a CAMHS appointment today), etc. He doesn't know any of this because he never asks.

I feel bad because I think he is depressed, and I have encouraged him to seek help. But I can't be his counsellor. I don't have it in me.

I had this about 10 years ago from an old work colleague. All their energy goes into telling you how ill / depressed they are. Having left work for ill health reasons they weren’t my top priority. Blocked contact in the end. Look after your own MH

Sloth66 · 27/02/2023 16:47

It’s not really a friendship if one person is using the other to offload all the time and there’s no reciprocity. He needs professional support, these people are like dementors , they can end up sucking the life and energy out of you if you let them.

MissMarplesbag · 27/02/2023 16:51

www.mind.org.uk/

Send him the link to MIND mental health charity and say that you're pregnant and have issues yourself. But MIND can help him with specialist advice so you're not cutting him off totally.

2bazookas · 27/02/2023 17:27

Just text back

"Sorry I am in a very hard place atm and have no space left for any more problems. The only person I want to talk about is me. "

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 27/02/2023 17:49

I had a situation like this. Constantly on the phone for hours about the same things and in particular a man she was dangerously obsessed with.

She was eventually sectioned and blocked my number and unblocked it several times for deciding I was a bad friend for daring to have emotional needs and a life of my own and then changing her mind

I blocked her back in the end and once you are out from under it and can breathe, it's so much easier to see you are being used, honestly

ShakespearesBlister · 27/02/2023 17:52

The thing with people like this is their need is insatiable and won't go away just because you are unavailable, they will just find someone else to offload on instead. It might just take for you to be unavailable a while to get him looking for a new 'therapy' friend.

Newstartonwards · 27/02/2023 17:53

MissMarplesbag · 27/02/2023 16:51

www.mind.org.uk/

Send him the link to MIND mental health charity and say that you're pregnant and have issues yourself. But MIND can help him with specialist advice so you're not cutting him off totally.

This. I had a best friend and had 20 years of doing this - she would not ring me when things were ok, and then phone and immediately want me to drop everything when she was upset and had issues. She’s arrange to visit and arrange days early / late and treat me like a therapist / hotel.
I explained to her that the boundaries and relationship had to change.
4 weeks later I got a similar message and said no I can’t, I’m enabling you not to deal with it professionally. I said it nicer than that but that was the gist.

I haven’t heard from her since.

it’s about the emotional energy and moving from a rescuer to a coach - but sometimes it is too ingrained and you can’t. This is not a working friendship which adds and is beneficial to you, it’s just one way

Original poster

Sapphire387 · 27/02/2023 18:44

This has all been really helpful in helping me set some boundaries, thank you. I did and do feel bad for him, but you are right, he needs more than I can give.

OP posts:

cravingtoblerone · 27/02/2023 19:35

I had an emotional vampire friend too and had to create some distance. I've posted about this before but the crunch came when my Mum died and she barely acknowledged it but still wanted to moan and moan and moan every time we met.

Friendship is meant to be a two-way thing. And this is not working for you. If you don't have the emotional energy tonight, ignore the phone and pretend you're asleep or something. Then when you are up to it, explain that you are having a tough time and need to practice some self-care.

If they can't appreciate that and kick off then at least you can move on without feeling guilt....