My 18 year old daughter has been sexually assaulted

[frozensold]

I cannot use the 'R' word.
I donut know what to do.
She is shocked, not sleeping, angry and refuses to go to hospital or police.
She wants to forget this ever happened. She won't agree to counselling.
How can I support her .
I feel dead inside I'm so heartbroken for her.
Im begging her to take some tests,anything .
I will end up pushing her away. What will I do ?

Just be there for her, be available and supportive of whatever route she wants to take by following her lead. She'll be a bit in shock right now so don't try to push her into going to the police or hospital or for testing if she doesn't want to do that, let the air settle first. I mean this very gently because I know you're feeling very upset too but, very kindly, this isn't your trauma. It's hers and it's up to her what she does next. Your role here is to be her mum, give her hugs and cups of tea, tell her she'll be okay and that it wasn't her fault.

I'm so sorry.

Your job is to try and stay calm. To reassure her that you are listening and will help her in whatever way she asks.

You will also need support- and you need to get it somewhere else. You need to tell someone about your rage, disgust, distress and confusion- but not your DD.

Compile a list of places she can get help- phone lines, websites etc

Find a way to get support for yourself, without breaking your DDs privacy.

I'm so sorry.

And she will recover.

I did.

Let her control the situation, ask her what she wants you to do to support her. Be there for her, believe her, tell her you are 100% on her side. Don't question why she did or didn't do certain things.

She's just had her autonomy and control taken from her in a horrific way. Please don't try to pressure her into something else she doesn't want to do (whether that's test, reporting, talking etc)

From someone who was raped as a young teenager, just be there. You can encourage her to report/speak to the police, etc, definitely. I was the same, shocked, and felt dirty and refused to do anything (I did speak with CID), but I wished I had done more and took therapy at the time. I just wished I had someone who was there for me, like I'm sure you want to be/are with your daughter to encourage help. I just shut myself away, refused to speak about it, and ended up drinking myself into a stupid mess to numb my pain for a few years, sadly.

I'm so sorry this has happened.

Can someone go and get the MAP from a pharmacy? They'd have to pretend it was for themselves, of course.

Other than hospital /police, there is a third alternative, which is a rape crisis centre or womens group. Find out what's available within reach. ask them to send leaflets/links to you (not her) . For when she's ready.

She's in shock and needs some time; so just "be there" as an unquestioning hug/hand hold. Listen if she talks; but don't ask questions.

I know its near impossible but try NOT to exert any pressure/persuasion on her just now. She's already had her fill of that.

Make a note of everything you know or have heard or seen. Dates, times etc, in case she decides to go to the police later.
Date and sign your own notes.
Your poor DD.
Take her lead on what to do. She may want more help once she's less shocked.

I was SA at 18 years old. I didn't want to talk to anyone at the time but I wish I had reported him. I reported him last year 8 years after, and sadly he denied it so the case was thrown out. All of the evidence had been destroyed.

Ask her if there is any chance future her would have wishes she had pressed charges. I wish someone was there to tell me it was ok to report.

Call rape crisis hotline for advice.

@frozensold when did this happen? Has she washed since?

She may not be in the right frame of mind to deal with it but you don't want her destroying evidence. Clip her finger nails and put them in a ziplock bag. Any clothes she was wearing at the time, put them in a bag in the freezer.

Hi OP.
Are you in England? (Sorry, I don't know what the equivalent is in Scotland, Wales or NI) but these people may be able to help:
www.thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc
Or Google your county/Borough and 'SARC'
They are a multi agency resource and can offer guidance.
I'm so very sorry.

I could be wrong, but I'm sure that there's an option of having samples taken etc, totally irrespective of whether you wish the police to persue it. It may be at rape crisis centres. So maybe find out about whether that's possible, and if it is, to offer that as a suggestion to her. So she can decide in a week, a month, 6 months, 6 years, whether she wishes to persue it. That might be a halfway house she felt able to cope with.

Much love. I hope you both get through this. Xx

Hi OP

We are so incredibly sorry for what you and your daughter are going through.
Please do take a look at our SA webguide if you need any support dealing with this.

All of our love,
MNHQ

Also, Frozen, I'm so glad for your daughter that she has you.

She's chosen to tell you. That's a big deal.
Sending gentle hugs.

Just be gentle. Let her know it is not her fault and she was an innocent victim. The vile piece of scum who did this is the one who should feel Shane and anger at himself and should be repulsed every time he looks at himself in the mirror. She has done nothing at all wrong but will be thinking ‘if only I did x, if I hadn’t done y…’ask her if she want you to take her to the Dr as she will need a full disease screening I’m afraid and if required emergency contraception. Dint push her but let her know you are willing to be with her if she decides.

Thank you all so
Much . She is in good form.
She has chosen to brush this under the carpet but my local
Police and rape crisis have told me that this can be entirely normal .
I myself am
Frozen. Montage, no anger nothing. Just straight into practical
Mode .

That's ok too, Manic. You've changed name, by the way. You can ask MN to sort it out if you want.

It's going to be a rough ride for a while. I'm glad you've made contact with some local advice.

Practical is fine. Whatever gets you through, an hour at a time.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Could I just add that you mention DD Is 18 and doesn't want counselling, if she is at college /uni they will have a confidential wellbeing support team, it can bridge a gap between full on counselling, they can offer a gentle chat, or just an ear to listen until if/when she feels ready to take on a course of counselling.
Really sending you and DD all the love and best wishes I can with moving forward.

@frozensold I work in this general area (on the legal side), and what your daughter is doing might seem strange, but in fact it is a fairly common response. Let them make their own choices.

The post from @Redfoxturtle really resonates too, because it is from someone that has experienced the same. She's lucky to have you as great support, but would probably benefit from additional support in the near future. There is no "fix", there is a lot to be processed, she (and you!) are just at the start. Wishing you and DD all the best.

I've also been through this experience (stranger rape as a teenager). In my case I tried to carry on as it it never happened, but that did not work out for me. I could not (or felt I could not) speak to my parents about it.

Looking back, luckily I did have support of a good friend, and a great BF, at that time. Looking back I also wish I'd reported it. I did not reach out for "formal" help until my 50s, when a friend of mine experienced similar, and everything came flooding back.

As a parent now, it is amongst my biggest fears that it could happen to my daughters. Hoping for all the best for DD.