4hour car journey to see inlaws who aren't bothered

[Amethyst36]

Partners whole family live 4hrs away from us including 2 kids from previous relationship. He travels down there every other week for 4 days at a time and they come up here for the school holidays.

MIL has been up once to see our 5 month old, never asked me how he is doing (the most messages I've had off her is daily photos when they were on holiday after christmas) and has never brought or shown any interest in him. She expects us to go down to see her when my partner goes down because her partner doesn't want to come up here for a weekend.

I am reluctant to go because she's shown no interest, she suggested our 5 month old sleep on a cushion on the floor as he's outgrown is Moses basket a long time ago! I don't think it's fair for him to sit in a car seat for 4 hours. Plus the journey will take us about 6 hours because of having to keep stopping and we will have to take EVERYTHING which will be down to me to pack.
She works in a college and only Monday to thursday and my partner has suggested she come up on her own for a weekend if her partner doesn't want to come but she won't.
Should I just go down there or stand my ground. I've spent my whole life thinking of other people and putting them first but since having my baby, I am thinking about him and myself to some degree and I am not willing to constantly make the effort with people who clearly don't care or reciprocate it.

Yanbu to not go if you don’t want to and it’s too much driving for baby.
what about the half siblings though? Do you want them to form a bond with their brother?

Do it very occasionally, when you are there make sure you clearly say that next time it's her turn to come to you. Then when she suggests you go to her again it can be said that it's her turn to visit you.

She's in the headspace that your DH visits home therefore you should too. She's missed the point that you will struggle doing this journey with a baby.

Stand your ground on this one. 5 months is too young to worry about the impact it will have on baby forming bonds, plenty of time to worry about that when they are a bit older. If his family aren't prepared to make an effort there is no reason why you should, especially when the effort you would have to make is so disproportionately high compared to theirs.

They are either thoughtless or selfish and your OH should be stepping in to manage this so you don't have to be the bad guy.

Can't you go sometimes but not others? Do you not much care if your child has a relationship with his siblings?

We did this every 6 weeks or so with DD from when she was 6 weeks old. Stayed in hotels as no room at anyone’s house.

We thought it was worth it to allow her to bond with DH’s family but they also couldn’t be bothered so it dwindled after a couple of years. I don’t go anymore. DH takes DD up once a year.

So one week a month is spent at their house? I think maybe calmly say to your partner something like ' I really like how close you are to your family and really want to encourage the bond with half siblings, however its a little too much at the moment with the travelling and packing. So Ill probably Start coming once every couple of months'

Or find something local to you such as family zoo etc and encourage his kids/family to come up and visit. Then if MIL refuses the open invitation then its on her.

Or just point blank say sorry I don't want to visit so often, rinse and repeat.

Depends on your relationship with partner and your coping level with fallouts.

But I totally get your point and would feel the same.

@AllIwantforChristmas22 @Untitledsquatboulder

Works both ways, surely?

Your DS is so young, it's too much upheaval for him just now for pretty much no benefit to him. I think (even occasional) visits are something to consider in the future but don't do it for your MIL because you'll only resent it. Frame it in your mind as doing it for your DS, so he can grow up having a relationship with his siblings and wider family.

Tell your partner he needs to facilitate it though - don't let him leave packing, etc to you. I presume he caused the situation by moving 4 hours away so he needs to mitigate the inconvenience.

For what it's worth, when I was growing up I saw my maternal granny far less than I saw my paternal granny, who lived just down the road. I then moved even further away 10 years ago. My maternal granny is my favourite person in the world so - in case your partner is concerned - lack of proximity/time spent together doesn't necessarily mean no family bond.

I do think it's important that they see each other and form a relationship. She may be more interested in your son than you realise. I will say lots of people aren't particularly in to babies but become a lot more involved as the child grows older. Perhaps this will happen here. As your baby has half siblings there as well I do think you need to make an effort to go there sometimes. We travelled a lot with our babies. My inlaws are abroad my parents live an 8 hour car journey away. We always made these long journeys to see people (including a couple of long haul flights to see family). I have to say that I always find travelling with babies quite easy (apart from all stuff you have to take). Babies are pretty portable! Have you ever actually taken the baby there?
However, despite all the above it 8s an upheaval. Perhaps you could go 2 or 3 times a year or something? And obviously your MIL should make an effort to visit too. That goes without saying.

Presuming the siblings are still children then no, not really. OP says they do come down during school holidays.

That's a long car journey for a 5-month old. Eight hours there and back?

I'd send ask you Dh to send her a very polite message saying that she is very welcome to come and stay but that you and baby won't be going to visit.

Has he asked her why she is so uninterested in the new baby? Is she still friends with his ex? This is his Mum. He can sort it out.