Children after infertility

[DaydreamerTooFar]

To ask what it’s like having children after infertility?

DH and I have been TTC for about ten years. We haven’t had IVF yet but have tried other things. We’ve gone through a lot in that time, lost my Dad really tragically, worked hard in our careers, I gained a lot of weight and for a while I struggled to get my weight down to an acceptable level for IVF so had weight loss surgery and we are now finally, finally at a point where in the next couple of months we can go for it.

Only now - I’m not so sure. I went through a couple of years where we were doing clomid etc and I was so obsessed with wanting a baby, it was all I could think about. I still really want to be a mum but I’ve lost that extreme push for one - I almost reached an acceptance that it wouldn’t happen for me but then decided to have the WLS and it put IVF back on the table so to speak.

I’ve been feeling quite low over the past couple of years and DH thinks it’s because of the infertility whereas I don’t know if it is. I’ve had some counselling and been on medication but not really got anywhere with it. I’m not depressed as such just feel more numb, lack of focus, and daydreaming a lot. I feel like I want to just run away. But being a mum is what I’ve always wanted so much, and I’m 36 so I don’t really have time to waste.

WIBU to ask what having children is like after infertility? Is it everything you hoped it would be? Did anyone feel similar to how I’m feeling and what did you do?

I have a nearly 18 month old DD. It took me 6 years, multiple gynae surgeries eventually resulting in the loss of both ovaries and there were definitely times I wondered if it was worth it.

Infertility is awful and having my baby hasn't healed the pain I went through to get her.

She is the best thing that has every happened to me and I'm so glad I kept fighting and trying.

I had four children from ivf, first one five years into our journey, from our fifth ivf cycle, then successful 7th and 9th cycle (which was twins) then conceived naturally after 12 years trying. Being a mum after years of infertility is definitely different, it doesn't leave you, I feel incredibly lucky to have my family and even though the early days were hard I loved every minute of it. My youngest is 12 now, I wouldn't change my experience even though it changed me forever.

It took me a long time to get mine, years of absolutely nothing, then two very close together.
I don’t think having them has magically erased the pain of trying, they were absolutely worth it, but they’re not a magic salve to the years of sadness, grief and anger that came before them.

Perhaps it is time to take your foot off the pedal, even just for a short time. Perhaps what you need is to find yourself again, your identity will be so caught up in with this and when you become a mum, your whole identity becomes about being a mum. If I knew then what I know now, I’d have taken some time back to just be me. Although I totally appreciate that is a scary notion, as once you’re on the ttc bus it can be very difficult to step off of it out of fear of missing that one time / one chance.

WIBU to ask what having children is like after infertility? Is it everything you hoped it would be? Did anyone feel similar to how I’m feeling and what did you do?

I started ttc when I was 22, what followed was 15 yrs of treatments, hospitals, Drs, drugs, and heartache before the consultant told us there was nothing more he could do and I was not going to have a baby. Part of me was relieved to take the (perceived) pressure off 'trying'.

Two years after that at age 39 (dh was 48) I fell pregnant without help.

Initially I was just shocked, we had made our peace with being childless and it was totally unexpected. When I was around 5 months pregnant we went on holiday to Spain. I had a complete meltdown, I didn't want to be pregnant, we were too old now, we had reorganised our lives, we had plans to go and live in France. I sobbed for hours at the thought that being pregnant had actually ruined my life. It was ridiculous after all the time, effort and money we had put into actually trying to get pregnant in the first place.

So we reorganised our lives once again, it was such an emotional rollercoaster. But, having that baby placed in my arms was just about the most amazing thing ever. I'm not saying it was easy, when you can't have a baby you sort of build up in your head what sort of parent you will be, how lovely and wonderful everything will seem. And then, when you are a tired, sleep deprived, sticky, sweaty weeping mess you tell yourself you can't complain because you just got everything you wanted right? Wrong! You just find out that you are just like every other parent no matter if they got pregnant in a week, a year or a decade.

Now, 24 yrs on I wouldn't swap my life for the world, my boys (I fell pregnant again 2yrs later) are my world, we look at them sometimes, even now, and marvel that we even have them.

I can't tell you how you will feel, but that's what it was like for me. Chances are that everything will work out either way. Good luck.

It took us years, lots of loss and finally had our boys with fertility treatments.

Getting towards the end of pregnancy was surreal, because I lost sight of having a baby, it was all about getting pregnant and trying to stay that way. So the actual baby part kind of snuck up on me.

I will admit I spent the first few months with ds1 afraid to sleep in case it had all been a dream.

Good luck with your treatments.

Sorry I just feel the need to add, because others posted while I was typing, that I do no feel the pain of trying, I don't have any residual feelings about not getting pregnant. I don't feel any part of my life was wasted, or any anger, sadness or grief at the time it took. Just immensely grateful for my children and the here and now.

I'm in the opposite boat, I had years of trying and dealing with my infertility. for years I had the whole 'my friend wanted children for years and suddenly got pregnant without trying' option in the back of my head and I also had frozen embryos still (and I am still young enough to try)

But recently I was given a medical option that takes the sudden random pregnancy off the table and I chose to stop paying to have my embryos frozen. so I have actively chosen to stop.

I don't want to derail the thread because this is not the side of the scenario you are asking for options from, but if you ever did want to talk to someone who actively and deliberately chose to take the option off the table after years of infertility (as opposed to hitting menopause) then I am happy to talk through my own personal experience etc, but only if you want it

In all honesty, which I certainly wouldn't share in the real world, it's not really what I imagined. I think I spent so long working towards having kids (7years). I never really asked whether it was a good idea or if I would actually be any good at it. I have always wanted kids but the reality is I'm not that good at being a parent. In my case the trauma of IVF, the miscarriages and then birth of my first (emergency csection) left me pretty emotionally fucked. When I eventually got my daughter my head was in a really bad place. Everyone expects you to be happy that you've had the baby and they don't understand that it's not that simple. I spend years in a cycle of hope, grief, loss and basically was exhausted and on the verge of a breakdown. All that doesn't go away when you get the baby it's compounded by having this baby and all that comes with that. Anyhow, I have 2 children. The second was unassisted. I sometimes have buyers remorse and think I should have had 4 holidays a year instead. I don't necessarily regret it. I love my kids but if I had to do it all again I don't think I would. Hindsight is a cruel thing.

I'm slightly different in that I didn't have infertility as such just lots of losses and it took years to have my child. I then became pregnant without much hassle 2 years later. It definitely surprised me how the baby didn't take it all away, I presumed that it would 'fix' everything, but no. Like others if I had to go back I would enjoy my child free life so much more! All those years spent miserable and depressed, such a waste. Having children is an utter joy but a total slog and you do feel guilty saying that when you wanted nothing else for years and years. I struggled with denial, I was genuinely surprised not to have a stillbirth and took a while to believe the baby was staying. But you'd never know that to look at me!

The having the actual kids part yes, it has for the most part been amazing BUT I was very lucky that I had fairly textbook children - good sleepers, no health issues etc. that sounds crass but what I mean is up until now my actual parenting experience has been smooth (although the teen years are shaping up to ruin all of that!)

Looking back I was shockingly naive and actually pretty lucky. I just assumed that once I had my babies they would be 'fine'. I put 2 embryos back and had twins. I was the very edge of an ok weight for private ivf etc. I was so focused on a baby that I didn't give headroom to anything else or mitigating any other risks.

That said, I'm not sure how different that is to a couple who just decide to give up contraception but I look back and I am baffled that I could be so relaxed about some big stuff.

Also as others have said, the kids don't make the pain go away. It broke me quite majorly in that I developed an anxiety disorder which got extreme post partum and I have never been the same since. Even 14 years later my reaction to illness (mine or theirs) is disproportionate.

For all that it was completely worth it and I adore them and being a mother beyond all things. But I was lucky.

I think infertility just changes you, wanting something so much that just seems to happen for others just doesn't go away even when you have your baby. My daughter was finally born after 5 years and our 5th transfer from IVF and whilst I was absolutely over the moon, as they wheeled me out of theatre I asked my husband for another. The need for a baby just didn't go away even with one. So when she was 11 months old we had another round of IVF that failed, then 2 months later I caught pregnant without intervention - thought the universe was giving me the baby I deserved finally. But I lost him at 16 weeks pregnant, caught pregnant again - lost her at 16 weeks pregnant and I've just had treatment for an ectopic. I can't seem to be able to recognise when enough is enough, I'm certainly not there yet. A large part of me wishes I could say no and just take having a baby off the table - but my life is changed having my daughter now, I might as well do my level best to give her a sibling.

I guess what I'm saying is, I think you're right your numbness and lack of focus might not change with the arrival of your baby, you'll probably just shift that wanting elsewhere so as with most things in life maybe work on being happy with things as they are and whatever happens around that will feel better anyway.

I absolutely do not regret my daughter though, I just wish I could sit and enjoy her without constantly wanting another - but I'm older than you, so have much less time

Hi, yes I would actually really love to hear your experience please if you're happy to share.

I was so lucky to get pregnant with my DD. We had one FET in August 2020 which didn't take and then one left which we put back in January 2021, now nearly 18 months old eating her beans on toast for her lunch. But my heart aches that I can't have another. One ovary removed in 2012 and the other in 2019 which is when they did me an urgent IVF cycle for which I was incredibly lucky to get two blasts from.
The only way I could have another would be to use a donated embryo and the cost is prohibitive and obviously not guaranteed but can I spend the rest of my life thinking "what if I just tried?".
I feel so selfish because I know so many people who haven't been successful at IVF.

We adopted our son after 10 years or trying, fertility treatment was unsuitable.
It was amazing. I felt like I was healed. I had been sick with an awful illness called infertility and I was now recovered. The scars are still there but no pain any more.
5 years later we adopted our daughter. 2 months later I hit a brick wall with depression. It a really hard time but I got through it.
My kids are 15 and 19 now. I love being a mum and I wouldn't change a thing

Infertility does change you and never leaves you. It took us eight years to have our daughter. Parenthood is incredibly hard and it is not unusual for people who have been through infertility to be more prone to post-natal depression. I don’t know why it is, but for me it was a mixture of things. I was already emotionally and physically exhausted from years of infertility. Having a newborn on top of the trauma was almost too much. People also expect the baby to heal the past. If you bring up the previous years of struggle, you can be shut down: You have the baby now, forget about it. It’s all fixed…

Finally, newborns are unbelievably hard. At 3am, on a cold winter’s morning, as you walk up and down, sleep deprived beyond belief, you think… this? This is what we spent thousands on? Gave up holidays for? Tested our relationship to the limit for? Cried buckets for? Had undignified medical treatment for? I know many people mourn their old life after children, but I think when you have a child after years of infertility, it is magnified.

Initially, the payoff doesn’t seem worth it. For me, and I can only speak for me, as my daughter has grown into the little girl she is now, every moment of pain has been worth it. I still marvel that she’s mine. I am probably overprotective of her and a little obsessive. It is worth it, but infertility will always be part of your journey, and it will affect how you parent and see the world.

Thanks OP for starting this thread. I had years of TTC / IVF / miscarriage, and decided quite a few years ago to remain childless… I’m approaching 39 and lately have been wondering if I made the right decision. It’s really interesting to read people’s perspective. Most days I’m happy with our decision, but sometimes it’s nice to have it confirmed. Good luck to you!

we tried for 7 years for my boy ended up having ivf. He was and it's still the single best thing that has ever happened to me. The sleepless nights, the now tantrums are worth it 1000 times over. I didn't find any part of raising him (so far) particularly hard.
i honestly look at him and could just burst.
he just slotted right into our family.
infertility is cruel and unless your part of the very shit club you never really understand. Hope you get your baby one day.

This is how I felt.

Desperate to be pregnant, once pregnant so scared of loosing him, once he was born I was in shock.

It did take me afew weeks to realise he was mine. Very surreal feeling but once my emotions and hormones settled, best feeling in the world.

I would do IVF again at the click of fingers.

I was 41 when I gave birth to my IVF baby last year. It was my third transfer after two losses. This was our second egg collection our plan was if this transfer didn't work then we would have had one more frozen transfer then if that didn't work we would stop trying.

It might sound daft but I don't think I was quite prepared for how much I would love him, his little smile melts my heart and he really is a dream come true. Even at 3am!

To give you another perspective my sister had unsuccessful IVF and for various reasons stopped trying. She has dogs and loves her nephew and says she is glad they stopped when they did.

It was/is the best thing ever

Took 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf to get our one and only ever bfp

Mini blondes is now almost 6

She is my world

And made our life so much happier

We are adopters following multiple miscarriages. I felt at the time we applied that this was not a "cure" for infertility and no, it isn't, and if I meet a friend whose child is now an adult who was pregnant at the same time as me, it still cuts.
But the day to day experience of infertility and miscarriage is no longer with me. At some point we will need to tell the children about what happened before they came along but it seems odd to think that happened in the past when we now have these two bundles of craziness in our lives, it feels like they've always been here.