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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I contact her or is it too late?

27 replies

Panda129 · 26/02/2023 21:25

I was close to a colleague and yet when I left, it didnt end up being the case that we really stayed in touch. She tried but I was going through a lot what with a new job and then a significant birthday (mine and several others in my family ). It's been seven months now and I do still think of her from time to time but of course, life gets very busy and she's not on Facebook which doesn't help matters as it's much easier to stay in touch with peoples lives that way.
Anyway. I heard from other colleagues at my old place that she has had some bad news about her health. Do I contact her again or is it too late for it to be welcomed? She was very good to me when we were at work.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 26/02/2023 21:27

Don’t take this the wrong way OP… but it depends on wether or not you’d get back in touch and the be flakey again, because that’s probably the last thing she needs. But if you are committed to not flaking then I don’t think it’s too late.

Original poster
Panda129 · 26/02/2023 21:52

There was just a lot going on and a lot of people I wanted to stay in touch with.
I will give her a text I think.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 26/02/2023 22:00

Are you going to say sorry for not keeping in touch and that you want to stay friends? And mean it?
I think that would be the difference to me.

purpleme12 · 26/02/2023 22:04

Can still text her of course but really depends on what you say and think about her as to what she'll think about it

Ponoka7 · 26/02/2023 22:06

Panda129 · 26/02/2023 21:52

There was just a lot going on and a lot of people I wanted to stay in touch with.
I will give her a text I think.

She didn't make the cut first time around, has anything honestly changed? As said, she doesn't need it right now.

titchy · 26/02/2023 22:06

When you said you didn't stay in touch because 'you had a lot on', I was expecting ill health, death of a parent or divorce. Not a new job and family birthdays. Confused You sound flaky as hell tbh OP, and probably not the sort of person she needs in her life right now.

DuplicateUserName · 26/02/2023 22:09

I really wouldn't because starting a new job and having birthdays in the family, is no excuse for not sending a few quick texts to keep in touch.

Now it may look as though you're either giving her your 'sympathy' or digging for details.

I think the ship has sailed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 22:11

Hard to imagine being too distracted by birthdays to manage to send a couple of WhatsApps to someone you say was good to you. So message her if you’re not going to be too busy to carry on if she replies.

She’s obviously got actual real stuff going on, don’t mess her around.

DuplicateUserName · 26/02/2023 22:11

titchy · 26/02/2023 22:06

When you said you didn't stay in touch because 'you had a lot on', I was expecting ill health, death of a parent or divorce. Not a new job and family birthdays. Confused You sound flaky as hell tbh OP, and probably not the sort of person she needs in her life right now.

Exactly.

All the OP had to do was send a few texts over the months, not sit there with a quill and a pot of ink, pouring over a long letter by candlelight.

DrHousecuredme · 26/02/2023 22:12

Contact her if you feel it's right but to be honest you'd have no right to be upset or annoyed with her if she didn't want to know. You haven't really been much of a friend and now she's unwell she might want people around her that she can rely on.

Original poster
Panda129 · 26/02/2023 22:14

I can't be expected to have stayed in touch regularly though with all my old colleagues? There were loads at my old company.
I only missed one of her messages. Just because I haven't been in touch doesn't mean I haven't thought of her or that I do not care.
It's just as I said, easier on Facebook as I see everyone's life updates more easily.

OP posts:
DrHousecuredme · 26/02/2023 22:19

But you said in your first post that you were close?
No you don't have to stay in touch with anybody you don't want to of course not.
But if you're close to somebody then ignore them for 7 months due to a few family birthdays you can't automatically expect a warm reception when you do decide to re-start contact 🤷🏽‍♀️

purpleme12 · 26/02/2023 22:20

Panda129 · 26/02/2023 22:14

I can't be expected to have stayed in touch regularly though with all my old colleagues? There were loads at my old company.
I only missed one of her messages. Just because I haven't been in touch doesn't mean I haven't thought of her or that I do not care.
It's just as I said, easier on Facebook as I see everyone's life updates more easily.

No you can't be expected to be in touch with all colleagues.
But it's how you've come across on this thread.
You must see that?
You have put.
I was close to this colleague
She tried to stay in touch but I didn't basically (indicating you even thought you should have)
The fact that you did this thread in the first place indicates you so have an inkling that you should have responded...
And the fact she's not in Facebook so it's harder sounds like an excuse.
I think you must know this really

TimeForChanges123 · 26/02/2023 22:26

Just text her x

GroggyLegs · 26/02/2023 23:10

I'd just text her 🤷‍♀️

Divebar2021 · 26/02/2023 23:16

You could have text her in the time it’s taken you to start this thread

DuplicateUserName · 26/02/2023 23:20

Panda129 · 26/02/2023 22:14

I can't be expected to have stayed in touch regularly though with all my old colleagues? There were loads at my old company.
I only missed one of her messages. Just because I haven't been in touch doesn't mean I haven't thought of her or that I do not care.
It's just as I said, easier on Facebook as I see everyone's life updates more easily.

You said she tried but you (from all your 'reasons') basically couldn't be arsed.

Now she's got health problems, it's like you can suddenly be bothered to type a quick text all of a sudden.

I wouldn't blame her if she thought you were being false.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/02/2023 23:55

You weren't busy though you just didn't follow through because while you vaguely liked the idea of it, you didn't want to put the time in. That's not necessarily wrong, there are only so many hours in the day, and it's natural for most people to go in and out of your life, rather than stay.

However, as you were fond of each other, I think a text to ask after her is a nice thing to do. But don't go implying you are offering friendship - it's just a hello.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2023 00:09

A new job and a few birthdays doesn't make you so busy that you can't contact a friend.

Meterry · 27/02/2023 00:17

I wouldn’t, just sounds like you’re being beaky about her illness.

MutantNinjaTurtle · 27/02/2023 00:42

When my DH had cancer the 1st time managing his friends was a nightmare. Calls, visits, WhatsApp

they seemed to be mired in a personal grief -it was odd and quite frankly I found having to support them all through it a total pain

GailTheSnail · 27/02/2023 01:00

As someone who was diagnosed with cancer last year, i wouldnt (and didnt) mind a supportive text, even from someone i hadn't been in regular contact with. Life is busy and i think she'd understand that - after all communication is a two way street .

The key is to make clear there's no pressure to reply and you just want them to know you are thinking of them. Personally speaking that's what i would want.

Summerfun54321 · 27/02/2023 01:01

I don't understand the Facebook thing. Do you want to stay friends and see her? Or do you just want to have a nosey and see what she's up to for your own curiosity? It isn't easier to stay in touch on Facebook, its easier to look at what she's up to. If you want to stay in touch just txt/WhatsApp her and meet up, no big deal.

Mothership4two · 27/02/2023 01:54

Panda129 · 26/02/2023 21:52

There was just a lot going on and a lot of people I wanted to stay in touch with.
I will give her a text I think.

She would probably appreciate it but why not arrange to meet up which might mean more to her?

Original poster
Panda129 · 27/02/2023 22:19

I meant we were close at work but we all know that doesn't necessarily translate to close outside work.
I texted this evening anyway. No reply as yet but just wanted to send my good thoughts.

OP posts:
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