He didn’t buy me a birthday present?!

[Whyisitallsocomplicated]

So I have been dating a lovely man for a year. We both have very complicated backgrounds and twatty ex partners 🤦‍♀️ we both have 2 children each of similar ages. He is kind and very supportive of my past (domestic abuse and ongoing family court struggles) however has issues of his own (struggles with expressing emotions, being in a loveless marriage for 12 years.)
Having previously been in a marriage I thought that I wouldn’t get out of alive I thought that I would be too broken to ever date again and there are times when I really struggle especially as my bf is so emotionally repressed and struggles to verbalise how he feels about me.
Anyway it was my birthday 2 weeks ago and bf didn’t get me a present. He gave me a card from him and his kids and just said ‘I haven’t got you a present yet’ then hasn’t mentioned it again.
i feel really upset and like he doesn’t care. He bought me (and my kids) really lovely Christmas presents. He is the kind of person who isn’t bothered at all by birthdays and said previously when he was a kid he would get just 1 present if he was lucky. However, it’s made me feel like he thinks I’m not important and don’t matter…
AIBU?

My husband of 10 years regularly doesn't get me presents. (He is very generous when he does but its usually paying for something I've been looking at/thinking about i.e a weekend away.). He's really awful at making decisions and finds it really stressful, so he just avoids it instead. My MIL is the same, she'll either buy EXACTLY what you describe, or gives you cash, which I hate as it just get absorbed into daily spending and lacks thought. I like a surprise!
The kicker was my husband not even getting me a card when I had my birthday in hospital 2 days after giving birth....
He is a good partner otherwise and contributes to most things equally so this a small thing really.....
I always say even if the present only costs a pound, as long as you have thought about why I might like it, that is all that's important. Although if you want to get me something extravagant, go ahead!
I don't think you're being unreasonable as such, but he's probably just not a great present buyer or could be skint and doesn't want to get something disappointing.....it's nice to have something though. So I get it.

I wouldn't like this either, OP.

If he is lovely, considerate and thoughtful in other ways, this alone wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. But it’s absolutely worth a discussion. It’s early days renyour relationship, now is the time to lay your expectations down and discuss how you feel. Perhaps he and his ex wife never bothered with birthday? Explain to him how you feel hurt and disappointed, see his reaction.

There is no ‘right’ way to feel about this - some people think presents are important, other people just don’t. He’s probably the latter kind. It doesn’t follow that he doesn’t like you.

Yeah, I think it’s worth a calm conversation to see how he responds.

“Hey Steve, I’ve been feeling really hurt that you didn’t buy me a birthday present. I’m sure you didn’t mean for me to feel hurt but the feelings are still there. Can we talk it through, so we can better understand each other for the future?”

Yabu
You've said he bought you and your children lovely xmas presents, and that by his own admission, he doesn't really do birthdays, so stop being so needy.
Celebrating birthdays past 18 is pointless, and basing whether or not someone likes you on the basis of the giving / receiving of birthday presents is sad

Some people (me) aren't really into giving and receiving presents. Luckily DH is the same as me! I do get DH a birthday present but we sometimes give each other token gifts or ask for something to make things easier. I have been known to forget our anniversary too. I adore DH so it's nothing to do with how much I love him.

It would be a deal breaker for me, not because birthdays are a huge deal but because it suggests he just can't be bothered, especially if it's your first year together when you'd normally expect more effort.

I like @Toffeeappler s approach. And I don’t agree that you should just accept his viewpoint that he doesn’t really do birthdays. Why should your feelings take a back seat to his and why wouldn’t he want you to be happy by getting you something thoughtful??

You can just ignore his birthday if that’s his preference but if your preference is to celebrate yours, then that’s what should happen

I think that’s rubbish. Did he do anything to mark it bar a card? Cake? Flowers? Nice meal?

What happened with both of your birthdays last year?

That’s a bit brutal…
this is my first relationship outside of an abusive marriage and I’m just struggling to deal with what ‘normal’ looks like.
it’s also harder because my ex husband would shower me with gifts but also beat the shot out of me on a semi regular basis…

He didn’t do anything else but in fairness I was away for my birthday with my kids and he was too with his kids so he couldn’t have done anything on the actual day. I guess it’s more the fact that he just said ‘I haven’t bought you anything yet’ and just left it… his love language is not words at all as he struggles to verbalise his feelings however he’s always been really good at showing his feelings through his actions so not doing anything for my birthday just feels a bit of a kick in the teeth…

I’m going to do a bit of armchair psychology and suggest that because he didn’t have a good experience of birthdays as a child he has protected himself by pretending that birthdays aren’t important.

You say you’ve both got some issues and difficult pasts, I’d be inclined to go gently on this. Maybe say something along the lines of, ‘oh we haven’t done anything for my birthday yet, how about a nice lunch/ film?’ If he says it’s not your birthday now that’s your opportunity to say nicely that it is important to you and even a bunch of tulips would make you feel special.

I do think this will probably be a long term issue though. He might not be great with words but you can remind him that your birthday is coming up and you’d like a little something.

Thanks for your advice - we talked about it, I told him how it made me feel and he totally understood it from my point of view and has now booked to take me away for a weekend as a late birthday gift.
Navigating relationships when you both have previous baggage is really hard!

Well done for talking about it OP.

Hope you both have a lovely time

I can relate to this, I’m having the same feelings towards my birthday. My backstory is very similar to yours. I do feel it’s a sense of not feeling worthy, psychological reasoning behind why gifting is important to us because we’ve never had it