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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unreliable MIL

16 replies

Ohmy88 · 26/02/2023 19:32

I have a 2 year old & another on the way.

I love my MIL & we have a great relationship but since becoming a mum 2 years ago it really bothers me that she is so unreliable.

She always has been, as mother to my DH & since I’ve known her (17+ years). Cancels plans at last minute or just doesn’t return calls until you take the hint.

We never ask her for help with childcare because it would be more hassle than it’s worth - knowing it’s likely we’d have to make alternate arrangements at the last minute because she’d changed her mind or “something came up”. So surely it’s not too much to ask that when we make plans to do something as a family she sticks with those. Now my son is 2 he understands when we have plans with her and is disappointed when they don’t go ahead.

Would it be unreasonable of me to broach this with her? And how exactly would I do that without causing ww3?

Outwardly she dotes on her family but her actions don’t match up. I know it frustrates my husband too but he is so resigned to her behaviour that his attitude is to expect nothing & then you’re not disappointed.

I just feel like there’s only so many times (more than I could count on 1 hand even just this year!) I can take it before I stop making plans with her. But as it’s me who initiates 90% of the time we spend with her if I were to do that my DS would miss out…

OP posts:

Prancingponies · 26/02/2023 19:33

Your DS is already missing out.

So stop making the effort.

MRex · 26/02/2023 19:34

I would try the passive aggressive route first, nicely but "DS was sobbing about not seeing you today, he'd got so excited." and hope that worked.

ChickenDhansak82 · 26/02/2023 19:34

If you're initiating the meet ups and she keeps cancelling then just don't bother arranging anything and leave it up to her.

If she wants to meet up she will then call and arrange it.

RahRahOhLaLa · 26/02/2023 19:35

it’s me who initiates 90% of the time we spend with her if I were to do that my DS would miss out

What he gaining other than the very occasional meet and then lots of disappointments when she flakes? Just stop making plans and including her and save your DC the disappointment. You can’t force GP to be involved or have a relationship, my PIL rarely bothered & only then just a handful of times when teens. It’s their loss.

Ponoka7 · 26/02/2023 19:36

I think that you've got to be honest with her. If it causes WW2 then that's on her. Explain that she is now letting your DS down.

DowntonCrabby · 26/02/2023 19:38

If she is chronically unreliable and has been for decades, I wouldn’t expect her to be able to change. I’d set low expectations of her attendance at events and focus on other family/friends. You’re already doing the right thing not relying on her for childcare.

How does your DH feel about it all? If he isn’t really bothered Id be inclined to follow suit.

Bunnyishotandcross · 26/02/2023 19:39

Don't assume she will keep your word. And never appear fussed or surprised when she cancels. Bet once she gets zero signs of disappointment she starts to see it's just her missing out. Just never tell dc your plans.

GHxx · 26/02/2023 19:39

I have a similar problem, for a while when my son was a baby she was asking to take him walks to ‘give me a break’ but she could only do a time that suited her and she doesn’t get up until lunch time so it didn’t ever fit in with his naps or feeds but I’d change my whole day about to make sure he was fed, changed, in the pram etc and she messaged three times in a row very last minute to cancel for minor things, once to say it was ‘windy’ when it was a lovely day 😑 It was like it came to it and she just couldn’t be bothered. I eventually messaged her and asked if she could make arrangements to take him a walk at the weekend when my husband was about as I was relying on her coming and then my day was up in the air (I put it really nicely). She’s just never made any effort since and he’s now 2 and only sees her if my husband takes him to her house. We’re also due #2 and I so can’t be bothered with it all starting again, just for her to keep cancelling. She’d complain she was tired sometimes when she’s a young MIL, doesn’t work, has absolutely nothing else happening in her day and I’m the one that’s been up half the night 🙃😂

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/02/2023 19:40

Stop making plans that rely on her involvement.

If you're doing something that can go ahead whether she shows up or not, fine, invite her to those.

But anything that grinds to a halt as soon as she changes her mind/goes silent/disappears - nope, no more of that. Just do those things without her at all, don't mention, don't invite.

Don't tell kiddo if she's coming or expected either, if she shows up to something, lovely - if not, he'll never know she was expected.

If she wants to see him she will then make the effort, if she doesn't then better he accepts that than is constantly disappointed and upset.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 26/02/2023 19:41

My inlaws are unreliable. When the kids were little I just didn’t tell them if nana and grandad were coming to something. If they turned up it was a lovely surprise. If they didn’t then nothing was lost.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/02/2023 19:41

Invite her to things without telling DS she might be coming. Tell her what you're doing and ask her if wants to attend to be at such and such at whatever time. If she doesn't come, DS is none the wiser and you still get to enjoy your day out.

Gremlins101 · 26/02/2023 19:44

Stop arranging stuff with her and if you are meeting her don't tell your son beforehand until you have her in your sights. My parents live abroad from me and would give their own limbs to have more time with their grandchildren so don't bother busting yourself to accommodate her.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2023 19:50

Stop telling DS she's coming then - I don't know why you keep setting him up for disappointment and upset when you know how unreliable she is.

Original poster

Ohmy88 · 26/02/2023 19:54

Thanks everyone. General consensus seems to be give less of AF. My husbands attitude also.

It’s just alien to me - my family mostly live close by (MIL does also) & we all make a huge effort with one another.

I do need to keep it on the QT for my DS’ sake when we have plans with her. A lot of the time that’s not in my control though. We video call MIL once a week (again initiated by me because we see so little of her I almost feel it my duty) & she will always tell my DS “I’ll see you at the wkend” etc etc. That’s really needs to stop. But I guess it would if I stopped VC!

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 26/02/2023 19:54

I don’t think it’s your place to have this convo and your husband should have it as he can be a bit more robust and straightforward in what he’s saying

Craftybodger · 26/02/2023 20:11

Someone needs to be blunt with her. Telling her to stop making promises that she doesn’t fulfil.

Start making plans that she can be included in but not a crucial part of - we’re going to the zoo on Friday, it would be lovely if you joined us. Nice surprise for DS if she does show up, lovely day out even if she doesn’t.

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