AIBU to not what anything to do with my drug addict older brother.

[Cwinters]

My brother has a history of being verbally abusive to those closest to him. I’ve watched for years how he speaks to my parents with disrespect and aggression, to threatening and violent behaviour yet they’ve done everything they can to support him. Too much if you ask me.

He’s 42 with no prospect to want to do well. We found out 2 years ago that he had moved on from a long history of cannabis smoking (from what he tells us he was 14 when he started) 5 years ago he binged on cocaine during the day and smoked cannabis at night. Then we found out 18 months ago he has been taking ecstasy.
He has always been angry at life and aggressive but this time he’s worse. From threatening my parents with their lives to lying about needing money. Pawning items for money getting them easy pay day loans. Wonga loans etc, he’s been bankrupt twice the second being a year ago to help get him back on track.

18 months ago but parents had enough and feared for their safety, he was later arrested for public disturbance due to kicking off in the street. He was detained under the mental health act section 2 as he was saying things that didn’t make sense but this still did not make things better. 18 months on and things have escalated and my parents are being told they will get stabbed and that he can’t be done with carrying spoons.

my mum wants to help/fix him as he is clearly unstable but I’m fearful that she will end up being unwell - she’s already said that if she were to commit suicide herself then this agonising taunt and terrorism from her own son would stop. Not what a daughter wants to hear.

Ive later found that because the council were unable to house my brother and he mentally wasn’t doing well in shared accommodation with other addicts when he got released from the mental hospital again my dad got a flat out in his name for him to live there as he wasn’t able to get a flat himself due to bad credit.

The last 3 months I’ve been told he has gone backwards and possibly even worse than before, ringing continuously my mum and dad demanding money. Asking if he can have a bath even though he has a shower at his flat to get washed then whilst he is there he feeds himself starts cooking food.

reluctantly they allow him in to their home just to keep the peace but they are nervous of him being there. They’ve told me that they buy him food as to not give him any as at least they know what the money is going on.
My dad is retired so every day he just wants to live a peaceful life and my dad also said he thinks he’s suffering with anxiety every time the door bell goes and every time his phone rings.

My mum has 4 years left before she retires so I just want for them to live a peaceful happy life. Well what’s left of it for them as who knows how long anyone has but I certainly don’t want it shortened by someone that treats y parents poorly and isn’t willing to accept professional help and thinks he’s too clever.

Now he has been arrested again my dad has handed in his notice at the flat resulting in my brother homeless well in 4 weeks and
my mum has put an injunction order so they can hopefully live in peace. Now she’s worrying if he is deemed unwell ie paranoid schizophrenic from drugs etc is it the right thing to do. I personally know that being away from a toxic and unstable environment makes me a feel and be a better person. I was only at the family home till the sale of my house went through and that was too long. But just recently I visited and I couldn’t stay there due to the upset I could see and taunt still continuing. There’s so much I wanted to say at the time but I was shocked and upset but I am also fearful of my safety whenever he is is at there house and the smell of cannabis is a trigger for me whenever I smell it. This is not acceptable behaviour and certainly not how people should be living in fear or having to tolerate. It’s sad that it’s got to this but I know we are not the only family that this has happened to. Our extended family don’t want anything to do with him and he has no friends because of who he has become so he literally will have no one.But are we doing the right thing by essentially saying enough is enough your an adult and we don’t want to live like this. Your on your own.

Im so sorry that you and all of your family are having to endure this.
Shocking though it is to read, your reality is clearly beyond what most have to endure.

I don't have any knowledge of this situation but have you contacted Narcotics Anonymous ? I've just googled and found UKNA.
They may well have family support/advice for people living with drug addiction and could signpost you to other agencies who could help regarding the law , emotional support and practical and positive ways of coping with this awful situation.

All good wishes to you.

Hi op, this is exactly like my brother. He has serious mental health and addiction issues, drugs and alcohol, has been arrested so so many times is aggressive, verbally abusive, steals, harasses. His crisis mode goes on and on. He now lives in his own 1 bed flat having been on the council list for 2 years. He is on full PIP so has no issues financially. Before that he made my parents lives hell by living with them. He is 47. Your parents have done the right thing by getting an injunction, they must stick to it and call the police every time. Your brother won’t and can’t change. Elder abuse is real, they are from what you have said in real danger of being hurt and they are right to be afraid of him. You also need to make sure you keep yourself safe. Do they have security at home in place? Your brother needs to get himself independent with housing and benefits. While your parents step in and help this will pro long the process and keep him on their doorstep. My brother continues to regularly get money from my parents and harasses my dad from a Distance but the situation is far better than when he was living at home as that was a continuous round of police. I wish you the best of luck op. I am so sorry this is not going to have a happy ending. Your parents need to accept this is the way he is.

@GlassBunion We’ve tried to contact several organisations which we just get no luck with as we are not those with the addiction and now he doesn’t live in the family home it’s difficult to get support, since the recent event for the first time my parents have been contacted regarding safeguarding support for them and they were advised to seek advise from their GP for counselling. But like they said their not the ones that need the help the source starts with my brother who needs the help but I guess he has taken drugs for so long now his brains chemically unbalanced and I’m no professional to say is there any coming back from it? Such a sad frustrating unknown time for us. I’m not one to wish anyone harm even if they have caused such an upset, I hope he gets well and sees sense of what his actions are doing to others and the upset he’s caused but I’m not sure he ever will it’s gone on for so long. I’m surprised to how much we’ve gone through when you read it back but thats not even half of it. Thank you 🙏

Oh bless you OP. You're all at the end of your tethers.
Like other addictions, I feel that he needs to reach rock bottom before he'll admit that he cant carry on the same way.

The problem with a bath here, some pocket money there is that it is enabling but so awful to witness and endure.

Other than standing firm, there's not much else you can do really.

Hi op, this is exactly like my brother. He has serious mental health and addiction issues, drugs and alcohol, has been arrested so so many times is aggressive, verbally abusive, steals, harasses.

Mine too. I dont think he will ever change his drug use has been going on for so long now. He would take everything we have, and it still wouldn't be enough.

I'm NC with him now.

@Spambod I’m sorry to hear that you too have been through such an ordeal with your brother. It’s an upsetting and difficult time as you want to do the right thing. But I’ve told my parents that he’s chosen to be selfish albeit an addict so therefore brain washed if you like, but we can’t help him. To help him will be to stop enabling him to show him that this is the consequence and that he needs to accept the professional help that’s offered and see it through.
My parents have the biggest hearts and literally will do anything for anyone and they certainly don’t deserve all of this. They need to think of themselves now for their own health. They’re not too old but they’re old enough to not have to he living through such a nightmare. They deserve to live a happy life in retirement. It’s not going to be easy for them these next few months but they have to see it through for their own sake. Thankfully I bought a home in another district away from it all which wouldn’t be such a bad idea for them but other family members have said why should they. I guess because it’s easier. But are we wrong to think like that. I guess it’s the guilt in me as I have been encouraging them to move forward with the injunction as we’ve run out of options it seems.
I thank you for your kind response Spambod

@Sarahconnor1 even when I was living in the family home we would never speak I would make my tea and eat in my room and wedge the chest of drawers against the door.

I would hear all the arguing and abuse going on when he wouldn’t get his own way. I’d turn the tv up to block out the noise.

I blocked him from all social media 8 years ago as the stuff I use to read that he would put about us even though he lived in the same house was disturbing. I’ve had a new mobile number for last 7 years even though I blocked him prior to this as his texts would be none stop and being NC helped the anxiety of not having to hear from him. I can’t imagine what messages he would have sent me, which I’m glad of not reading.

unfortunately I don’t have any other siblings for support.

I hope you have the support of those closest to you. I’m grateful that although they can’t comprehend what we’ve been through but I have family that offer their support.
It’s easier for them to give judgement and advice to what we should be doing or what we should have done, when they are not living through it themselves. I’m not yet a mother but can only imagine that it’s heartbreaking for my mum to feel so helpless, after all he is still her son. But I see it that he is a 42 year old man the time comes when the roles are reversed and the children look after their parents and I can’t see him doing that and not like they would want him to. Sinai have been worrying what the next days/weeks/months bring.

I hope you too find safety and peace.