Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable old friend ignoring eviction-SS won't bring her here will they?

66 replies

canthelp · 26/02/2023 16:09

An old friend who has become more and more unreasonable and paranoid in recent years is going to be evicted and I am really afraid she will be brought to me. I can't take her in. What happens if social services bring her to my doorstep?

She is adamant that court orders and repossession notices etc mean nothing, and it is all just a scam

I have helped her a lot in the past, but am in poor health now, and can do absolutely no more, but there isn't really anyone else either, as she turns down all other help from social services, etc

What happens on the day she is evicted if she gives my name and address? I would have to literally shut the door in her face, wouldn't I?

OP posts:
AllWorkYoPlait · 26/02/2023 16:30

Don't feel like you need to take responsibility for her. It's difficult to watch, but it's not your job to rescue her. She needs help that you can't provide and her reaching crisis point is probably the quickest way for her to get the right support.

Don't answer the door if you think you can't stay strong.

gamerchick · 26/02/2023 16:30

She'll be asked to gather important documents and take herself down to the council. She'll have a bit of time to arrange the rest of her stuff to be moved out.

I think you're right that she will turn up on your doorstep if she doesnt trust anyone else OP. I get it. You'll have to ignore the door if she won't accept outside help because she won't take it if you let her in either will she? The issue will have to be forced and will probably involve police and a hospital in the end.

It sounds as if she needs some sort of supported accommodation really.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/02/2023 16:30

What happens if she point blank refuses to leave?

She'll be removed - physically if necessary - with some kind of welfare worker almost certainly in attendance. They'll explain the next steps she needs to take, and if she resists these and claims she can move in with you they'll probably call you to check

If they've not already worked it out for themselves this would be your opportunity to tell them she's vulnerable but that your place isn't an option, then you step right back
What you absolutely don't do is suggest you might have her for a while - even "just for tonight" - because if you do that's a box ticked and a whole lot of grief coming your way

Original poster
canthelp · 26/02/2023 16:31

AllWorkYoPlait · 26/02/2023 16:30

Don't feel like you need to take responsibility for her. It's difficult to watch, but it's not your job to rescue her. She needs help that you can't provide and her reaching crisis point is probably the quickest way for her to get the right support.

Don't answer the door if you think you can't stay strong.

very good advice - that is what I am going to have to do, I think

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 26/02/2023 16:31

If she won’t leave the property when bailiffs turn up, they will call the police to remove her.

If she is obviously frail and her mental state arouses concern, then the police might involve the crisis team, and that could be a pathway to support. If she appears to present a risk to herself and refuses help, she could be sectioned.

It depends how she presents on the day, really.

HamBone · 26/02/2023 16:31

Harsh as this sounds, perhaps she needs to hit rock bottom, in order to start taking the situation seriously.

Original poster
canthelp · 26/02/2023 16:33

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/02/2023 16:30

What happens if she point blank refuses to leave?

She'll be removed - physically if necessary - with some kind of welfare worker almost certainly in attendance. They'll explain the next steps she needs to take, and if she resists these and claims she can move in with you they'll probably call you to check

If they've not already worked it out for themselves this would be your opportunity to tell them she's vulnerable but that your place isn't an option, then you step right back
What you absolutely don't do is suggest you might have her for a while - even "just for tonight" - because if you do that's a box ticked and a whole lot of grief coming your way

no, thank you - this is what I am very afraid of, she comes in, and then we can't get her out - we don't have space, or bed, or food, or washing facilities suitable for her, and I have my own health problems, and can't possibly care for her, and my daughter works from home and needs the internet, and the space, and the peace.

It sounds callous, but I just can't let her in.

OP posts:
Original poster
canthelp · 26/02/2023 16:34

PuzzledObserver · 26/02/2023 16:31

If she won’t leave the property when bailiffs turn up, they will call the police to remove her.

If she is obviously frail and her mental state arouses concern, then the police might involve the crisis team, and that could be a pathway to support. If she appears to present a risk to herself and refuses help, she could be sectioned.

It depends how she presents on the day, really.

I think this could be the best outcome

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/02/2023 16:35

You'll have to ignore the door if she won't accept outside help because she won't take it if you let her in either will she?

Exactly, gamerchick

If you feel uncomfortable not helping, canthelp, you could remind yourself that by taking her in you'd actually be slowing down her access to professsional support - and it would be the truth

Original poster
canthelp · 26/02/2023 16:36

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/02/2023 16:35

You'll have to ignore the door if she won't accept outside help because she won't take it if you let her in either will she?

Exactly, gamerchick

If you feel uncomfortable not helping, canthelp, you could remind yourself that by taking her in you'd actually be slowing down her access to professsional support - and it would be the truth

Yes, that is something to keep at the forefront of my mind, thank you

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 26/02/2023 16:39

Why do you think they will bring her to yours?

That never happens unless it’s a child and they take them to family members.

As PPs have said it’s very likely that she may turn up though and you need to be prepared for her to catch you off guard.

Don’t be paranoid but she may try knocking on your door or wait until she sees you going out to catch you - so have some things ready to say to her incase she does.

If you have a family member who is more blunt than you then get them to say it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/02/2023 16:43

It sounds callous, but I just can't let her in

As explained in my previous post, far from being callous it's actually the best way to ensure she gets the support she needs

If you're (understandably) worried about her turning up in hysterics and barging her way in, it could be worth having a few ideas in mind; maybe taking her to the housing office yourself - if necessary fudging where you're going - and leaving the situation in their hands?

Original poster
canthelp · 26/02/2023 16:53

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/02/2023 16:43

It sounds callous, but I just can't let her in

As explained in my previous post, far from being callous it's actually the best way to ensure she gets the support she needs

If you're (understandably) worried about her turning up in hysterics and barging her way in, it could be worth having a few ideas in mind; maybe taking her to the housing office yourself - if necessary fudging where you're going - and leaving the situation in their hands?

I can't really take her anywhere, I am housebound - so is she, really

OP posts:
xSilverandcoldx · 26/02/2023 17:01

If I were you I'd give social services a call and give them a heads up on the situation. Explain that you think she is not fully understanding the seriousness of what's going on and that she is physically frail. Also explain that despite anything she may say, you are not able to take her in even temporarily (it wouldn't be temporary!).

LakeTiticaca · 26/02/2023 17:12

Does she have no family?
If she has Full mental capacity I don't think they can force her to engage. Perhaps this is her plan so you will sympathise and take her in. Why is she being evicted?

Redebs · 26/02/2023 17:12

You cannot take on caring for her in your home and nobody will ask you to. Social Services will need to be involved in finding the right support for her, even if she is uncooperative with them. Have you spoken to them? Can you contact your local Older Adults Mental Health team?

Talking to these services won't lead to them turning round and asking you to take her in. Nobody underestimates the difficulties it would cause; it's just not an option.

Get on the phone to the duty Social Worker tomorrow morning and make sure they get things moving for her.

On a personal level, you need to be very clear that if she asks to stay with you, it's a no. You can go and visit her in her new place when she gets sorted.

CambsAlways · 26/02/2023 17:22

She is not your responsibility though is she, you’ve helped her in the past and cannot do anymore you are not well yourself, she’s turning down help from others so depending on how she presents herself on the day . I don’t see how anyone can involve you, so stop worrying

Whyareblokesonhere · 26/02/2023 17:26

You can help her though.

You help by not taking her in, not doing things for her, this is absolutely the best help she can get.

Trying to actually do something for her, take her in, make calls, give money will be the opposite of helping in this case.

Stay strong. None of it is your fault.

Honeysuckle16 · 26/02/2023 17:28

A very difficult situation for you. However, for many valid reasons, you’re not in a position to help her. Be sure not to answer the door if your friend turns up. Are you a member of a church who might have someone to support her?

Your friend might become more open to receive help when she realises she will be homeless. She might need to reach this stage to really accept the situation. Her position isn’t your responsibility beyond contacting organisations that could help her but you’re bound to feel badly about it.

Trainham · 26/02/2023 17:46

Just be strong and say no. Dont even offer a few days while ss look for somewhere . In my experience you then get lumbered for more than a few day.
If you don't feel you could say no to their faces. Phone and speak to her SW or duty SW and explain your concerns and tell them not to contact you to accomodation them when eviction occurs.

GloomyDarkness · 26/02/2023 18:01

flag her to SS yourself as a vulnerable person.

If you haven't already I'd try do this and tell them you are not in a position to take her in whatever she says and won't be doing so.

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 18:16

GloomyDarkness · 26/02/2023 18:01

flag her to SS yourself as a vulnerable person.

If you haven't already I'd try do this and tell them you are not in a position to take her in whatever she says and won't be doing so.

DO NOT DO THIS! Social Services will unofficially consider you if not her next of kin, but certainly your problem and will refuse to help because she 'has you' essentially. I know, I know. It sounds ridiculous but I've seen this first hand. Adult Social Services could give Insurers a run for their money on wriggling out of providing help.
The only way to do it is to NOT give your name and withhold your number before you call!!!!

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 18:22

I've had Adult Social Services try implying that my very unwell NEIGHBOUR "had me to turn to therefore wasn't entitled to support" - simply because it was me who called them to express my concerns. I told them I'd never had so much as one coherent conversation with him, let alone been in his house (not him in mine) and that I only knew his name from a wrongly delivered letter! It took 2 weeks of buck-passing and one Special Delivery letter absolving myself of any & all responsibility for him, in order to get them to accept he didn't 'have me' 😳🙄😳

Original poster
canthelp · 26/02/2023 18:28

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 18:22

I've had Adult Social Services try implying that my very unwell NEIGHBOUR "had me to turn to therefore wasn't entitled to support" - simply because it was me who called them to express my concerns. I told them I'd never had so much as one coherent conversation with him, let alone been in his house (not him in mine) and that I only knew his name from a wrongly delivered letter! It took 2 weeks of buck-passing and one Special Delivery letter absolving myself of any & all responsibility for him, in order to get them to accept he didn't 'have me' 😳🙄😳

wow, that is alarming

OP posts:
dooneyousmugelf · 26/02/2023 18:30

I don't know why you would think this. This wouldn't even happen if she were your (adult) child. You sound vulnerable yourself, no offence intended. You're not in a position to rescue this person.
Just don't engage. She isn't entitled to be 'taken in'- no one is. It's sad for her of course but I'd put this situation of hers out of your mind.