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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone want to ever just leave it all behind?

11 replies

Iamanon55 · 26/02/2023 10:15

Just that really. I am married and my 2 kids are still at home (18 and 20). I pine for the days when I lived on my own in a beautiful tidy little flat - I wish I had never moved on from that. I am treated like a bloody skivvy, no one ever helps. They say all you have to do is ask for help but am I being unreasonable in thinking that I shouldn't have to bloody ask, that they can see as well as I can when the dishwasher needs loaded and unloaded, when there are dishes and shit lying around the house. I work as hard as any one of them in my job yet I'm supposed to wait on them all hand and foot. I could cry!!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 26/02/2023 10:16

You’re NOT supposed to wait on grown adults hand and foot.

Stop doing it. Entirely.

TheLeadbetterLife · 26/02/2023 10:18

Why can't you leave it all behind? They're all adults, you've done your bit. You only get one life.

Amboseli · 26/02/2023 10:19

It's a weird thing. DD is at uni and keeps her flat clean and tidy, does the washing up etc. But when she comes home she stops. I have to keep asking her.

DS doesn't do anything.

I just do what I can and don't worry about what I can't manage. DH does what he can too.

Maybe you could try and get away on a holiday without the family somewhere?

RecommendedForYou · 26/02/2023 10:19

Have they always been like that?

My kids are similar age and would not see me run ragged. Yes they can be lazy and often don’t do thinks off their own bat. But if they are veering towards that, I say can you put a load of laundry on, or do some washing up they will always do it. And of course they make some of our meals, do the bins etc.

Why is your husband not doing anything?

This is an unfair setup. I am guessing it didn’t happen overnight. Stop enabling it. Stop doing their stuff. Get them to write a rota of tasks they will do.

Stop being a skivvy and a martyr. The choice is yours.

Springpetal · 26/02/2023 10:22

I’m in same predicament,but I’ve 4 kids all adults ,but 2 have autism ,so won’t lift a finger ,so therefore the other 2 do fuck all.
i remember asking for the middle one to hoover stairs age 18 ,and I was accused of trying to make her fail her Alevels .
husband was waited on hand and foot by his mum ,she would bring warm towels in to the bathroom while he was in the shower as an adult .
so no support there

donttellmehesalive · 26/02/2023 10:25

When did your kids stop being helpful and considerate? For anyone reading, with younger children, that is the time to take action and avoid this situation.

I know that doesn't help you op. If you are serious about living alone op, then make plans and go. I have several friends who do and love it. If you really just want them to change and step up then I guess you could try - family meeting, rota for chores, natural consequences (not doing their laundry if it's on the floor, not making dinner until the dishwasher is emptied). Your kids will move on eventually.

Springpetal · 26/02/2023 10:25

I just do less tbh
i now do the bare minimum
im not running round after the fuckers
im just working on gettIng 2 of them in to assisted living ,and then I’m fucking off with half the value of the house
that’s my plan and I’m sticking to it

Knitterofcrap · 26/02/2023 10:27

Who told you that you have to wait on them hand and foot?

Just stop it.

Unless you’re a martyr?

Barbie222 · 26/02/2023 10:29

It's time to explain about the mental load and create a rota. This sounds awful but the first time the rota isn't stuck to, you need to absolutely go unreasonably, awfully batshit, even if it feels like you're acting and it's no big thing. Otherwise this will slip too and then you'll have nowhere left to go as the next time you ask to make a rota it won't work!

shrunkenhead · 26/02/2023 10:31

Yes, there are days I'd happily walk out the door and just disappear. (Just not quite sure how that works though as it's really difficult with modern technology.)
I even wondered if that's what NB was doing.... women of a certain age have just had enough.

LocalHobo · 26/02/2023 10:32

Do you set such high standards that they feel anything they do isn't good enough for you? I see this with some parents/spouses who moan about lack of help but, the worktops are smeary, the eaves still have cobwebs etc. so the rest of the family give up trying to please.
Otherwise the rent from the young adults could go towards a cleaner.
If none of them respect you then you do need to "walk the walk"

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