Page 2 | Childcare for abroad weddings

timeforachang3 · 2023-02-26T08:51:50+00:00

not necessarily an aibu but would like a wide range of opinions of what you would/have done in this scenario. So we’ve been invited to two child free weddings on weekdays this year (one is uk based so marginally easier to figure out). the one I’d like some help with is in Europe (we’re in uk). Not somewhere like France or Spain where I’d probably feel ok using hotel babysitter services… my parents are busy that weekend so can’t help. Baby will be 11 months. I feel bad asking other family/friends when they’ll likely be working etc as they’d have to take a day off and then also if he doesn’t sleep well I feel like a working person doesn’t need that agg! He’s generally a good sleeper but can never account for them being ill/teething etc What would you do? Use a hotel babysitting service? Just send one of half of the couple? so as not to drip feed, they are my partners friends and he has several weekends away booked in this year whereas I have none and any child free events seem to be arranged by mates on his side so I feel like I’m always the one missing out. We’re normally very equal on letting each other have nights off/out etc so this sudden imbalance is starting to grate on me so would like to find a solution to this that isn’t me missing out again!

GoldilockMom · 26/02/2023 09:26

Go with him and take the baby - he can go to the wedding and you can get some sun!
They’ll be evening food one night with his friends surely?
Or take a friend to babysit the wedding part.

Clymene · 26/02/2023 09:28

I doubt my partner would want to not go to this wedding, was debating asking him to give up one of his other weekends away if he feels that way as I’m currently struggling to fit a weekend away myself. Tried to arrange one with the girls recently and every weekend that was suggested he was already away but don’t want to be that partner haha

'Great dad'

🙄

Spellcheck · 26/02/2023 09:30

We had similar last summer. I paid for my 18 year old DC to come and a) have a holiday with us, and b) look after our younger DC (and those of friends) during the wedding and all the evening fun. It was worth every penny and as a student she was pleased with the money. Is there anyone you know well enough to come and do that for you?

Thatisme · 26/02/2023 09:37

I definitely wouldn't go and surely they'll understand why.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/02/2023 09:39

We would have declined. No way would we have left our kids with a stranger.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2023 09:44

Yeah. ‘Great’.

Original poster

timeforachang3 · 26/02/2023 09:45

Spellcheck · 26/02/2023 09:30

We had similar last summer. I paid for my 18 year old DC to come and a) have a holiday with us, and b) look after our younger DC (and those of friends) during the wedding and all the evening fun. It was worth every penny and as a student she was pleased with the money. Is there anyone you know well enough to come and do that for you?

Ah that’s a lovely option - great that it helped others out too! We could probably take a friend to do that but feels like an expensive option although I’m sure my partner would happily pay!

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R0ckets · 26/02/2023 09:48

We could probably take a friend to do that but feels like an expensive option although I’m sure my partner would happily pay!

Or he could just say no. Hes a father now he needs to start prioritising his child not his drinking buddies. The fact he's also taking on a new business which will mean he is spending less time with your son and no doubt leaving even more of the bulk of household responsibilities and childcare to you is also not a good sign to be fair.

FourFour · 26/02/2023 09:48

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 26/02/2023 09:01

I don't think either of us would be bothering with the abroad one.

I don't think so either. In fact dh very close friend, had an abroad wedding and we declined. We had a 1yo at that time, and dh being a fully hands on parent knew exactly how tough it is especially one that isn't a good sleeper, reflux issues etc. no way would I be using hotel babysitting either, they are strangers to my child.

Original poster

timeforachang3 · 26/02/2023 09:51

R0ckets · 26/02/2023 09:48

We could probably take a friend to do that but feels like an expensive option although I’m sure my partner would happily pay!

Or he could just say no. Hes a father now he needs to start prioritising his child not his drinking buddies. The fact he's also taking on a new business which will mean he is spending less time with your son and no doubt leaving even more of the bulk of household responsibilities and childcare to you is also not a good sign to be fair.

With the rising cost of living and upcoming childcare costs we’ll have when I return to work, I’m grateful he’s taking on extra work rather than sitting around tbh

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Inertia · 26/02/2023 09:52

Best case scenario- decline the invitation.

Given your partner is unlikely to do that, you should go with him and just not attend the wedding , assuming it’s a public resort. If they’ve privately hired e.g. a villa, that makes it trickier.

You really need to start putting your foot down about him caring for the baby at weekends. There’s a big difference between ring ‘that partner’ and being a doormat.

Original poster

timeforachang3 · 26/02/2023 09:52

I’m relieved to see so many of you with dh’s that would decline. I think I have some sort of complex of not being a controlling partner and feel like if he didn’t go, it would be my fault but you’re right, it’s our new life as parents. This makes me feel better, thank you!

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mindutopia · 26/02/2023 09:56

We had 2 of these one year. One we declined the invitation and the other just Dh went (he was the best man and it was for one of his closest friends). No way I’d be sorting out that level of childcare or leaving my baby with someone they don’t know just to go to a wedding.

Clymene · 26/02/2023 09:57

timeforachang3 · 26/02/2023 09:52

I’m relieved to see so many of you with dh’s that would decline. I think I have some sort of complex of not being a controlling partner and feel like if he didn’t go, it would be my fault but you’re right, it’s our new life as parents. This makes me feel better, thank you!

The time of being a cool girl is over. You're parents now which mean your lives change irrevocably- both of you, not just you. He cannot carry on booking weekends away and assuming you're childcare. You both need equal amounts of downtime and childfree time. Get this sorted now before resentment starts to build.

R0ckets · 26/02/2023 10:02

timeforachang3 · 26/02/2023 09:51

With the rising cost of living and upcoming childcare costs we’ll have when I return to work, I’m grateful he’s taking on extra work rather than sitting around tbh

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Yes there will be extra costs in terms of childcare when you return to work that he should be contributing equally to but you could argue he wouldn't need to take on more work further taking him away from his responsibility to parent if he wasn't spending what is probably not an insignificant amount of money on so many weekends away.

londonrach · 26/02/2023 10:03

You don't have to go you know!

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 26/02/2023 10:14

R0ckets · 26/02/2023 10:02

Yes there will be extra costs in terms of childcare when you return to work that he should be contributing equally to but you could argue he wouldn't need to take on more work further taking him away from his responsibility to parent if he wasn't spending what is probably not an insignificant amount of money on so many weekends away.

Show quote history

Yes, if he's got several weekends away booked already and also feels entitled to this one, that's likely to be well into the four figures for his solo jaunts. That has to be paid for somehow. It doesn't make him a good dad and certainly not a good husband that he's incurring these extra costs and evidently expecting OP to pick up the pieces wrt childcare.

Original poster

timeforachang3 · 26/02/2023 10:41

The costs aren’t really my concern at the moment. We’re in a fortunate position currently and are being cautious with the upcoming rising costs to ensure we have more income to match this.
(doesn’t mean I want to throw money at the situation)

it’s more about time and balance in our relationship!

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GeekyThings · 26/02/2023 11:11

You need to do something about it now. Leave it any longer and you'll just be one of those mums who sits at home while hubby goes out to play every weekend.

Tbh even if you manage to arrange care for the wedding all you'll be doing is being the little wife on hols, which is not equal to going away with mates to let your hair down. Which means he gets to play the family man and also have multiple weekends being the fun guy who goes away, and all you get is the former, maybe, if YOU can arrange childcare. In what way is that fair or equal?

I honestly don't know why you're bothering to try and find care for somebody else's wedding, I'd say no to the wedding, he can go on his own; and I would tell him he also needs to cancel whichever weekend suits your friends best so you can go away too. Then he still owes you at least one weekend away, as he's still getting the wedding, but you can save it to do something more fun than hanging around at someone else's big day in a place they've chosen.

Absolutely NO WAY would I sit at home with my partner found away for multiple weekends - I would have the same, or he would have to cut back, it's that simple!

user1492757084 · 26/02/2023 11:26

I would both stay home or both go and afford a trusted, paid nanny/babysitter to come to your home.

Sparklesandsunshine1 · 26/02/2023 11:37

I’ve been invited to 2 child free weddings abroad this year
as much as I’d love to have gone I’d rather spend my time as a family on holiday so have declined both - if in uk I’d have left him with his grandparents for the night and had a lovely child free night but he’s still a toddler so decided we’ll leave it and use the cash / time for a family holiday

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 26/02/2023 11:38

I wouldn’t go, but mainly because I wouldn’t want to leave my 11 month old baby.

Original poster

timeforachang3 · 26/02/2023 12:16

Thanks - really good advice and points. Has helped rationalise and look at the wider picture.

he’s currently away on one of said weekends away, probably why when i received the invitation it felt a bit raw ha! So shall discuss with him tonight and hope he’s on the same page as me/you all!

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R0ckets · 26/02/2023 14:07

timeforachang3 · 26/02/2023 12:16

Thanks - really good advice and points. Has helped rationalise and look at the wider picture.

he’s currently away on one of said weekends away, probably why when i received the invitation it felt a bit raw ha! So shall discuss with him tonight and hope he’s on the same page as me/you all!

Definitely have a conversation because it certainly sounds like he isn't actually being all that cautious or that he's economising to help save more money. The very last thing you want is you cutting back and making the effort and him spending even more because he's now working more with the new business and therefore deserves more downtime.

I'd also be querying with him why all these weekends away if they need to happen so frequently seem to be solo trips that leave you looking after your child singlehandedly, surley some of them could be combined with weekends away with his family so he actually spends some time with you both?