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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secrecy

25 replies

Livelybutlonely · 25/02/2023 21:43

Aibu? My dh had an affair with a friend of his not mine, I found out and said we could stay together if it didn’t continue.
He ended it with her.
It nearly killed my self esteem and have been very anxious since yet, wanted to save the relationship because he is a good guy and we have a 7 year old. I love him and was happy to give him a chance because things happen. I thought he would be much more open with his phone seeing as that’s how I found out and he had agreed to that . Should I be concerned or am I overthinking?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 25/02/2023 21:59

I could never trust my partner again. Listen to your gut.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2023 22:00

He is not a good guy.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 25/02/2023 22:00

I wouldn't be able to trust again but everyone can make their own decisions. I'm sure that would be in the back of most peoples minds for a long time.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 25/02/2023 22:01

“because he is a good guy”.

Guess again.

AllAboardTootToot · 25/02/2023 22:03

Im not sure what your question is?

how’s he being secretive now? After how long since affair? Was he open with it but not now?

Did you set the boundaries on how open he had to be? If you haven’t then do it.

Original poster
Livelybutlonely · 25/02/2023 22:03

But if you felt you could have been more active in the relationship to keep things alive? Would that be a factor. I wasn’t really that forthcoming with sex.

OP posts:
Oohhhh · 25/02/2023 22:04

What do you want him to do with his phone? Let you look through it all the time? I mean that shouldn't be a problem if he's being faithful now, but that's no way to base a relationship if you want to root through his phone...and you know that.

Whatthejackdawsaw · 25/02/2023 22:04

He isn't a good guy, he only ended it because you discovered it and gave him an ultimatum.

If im reading it right part of that ultimatum was don't hide phone and he isn't even able to give you that knowing the impact it has had on your confidence and trust. Can you be sure he ended things with the OW? Leaving is easier said than done especially with children in picture but I'm not sure I could cope with the lack of trust.

ChocChipPancake · 25/02/2023 22:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

Original poster
Livelybutlonely · 25/02/2023 22:07

our agreement was no secrecy yet I dare ask anything as he hits the roof.

OP posts:
Littlemissmagnet · 25/02/2023 22:08

You found out. I assume he didn't tell you. If you hadn't found out, would he have carried on?

Original poster
Livelybutlonely · 25/02/2023 22:09

@Oohhhh exactly the person I don’t want to become.

OP posts:
AllAboardTootToot · 25/02/2023 22:09

Sorry but fuck a relationship like that!

if he’s being arsey about that then LTB

MrsHughesPinny · 25/02/2023 22:11

Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you were to blame for him having an affair. If he was unhappy with something he should have talked to you about it. That’s incredibly unfair of him and he sounds like you’d be better off without him. (And your friend!)

Oohhhh · 25/02/2023 22:11

You either need to forgive or move on. Hovering in between will end you.

It shows you haven't forgiven and can't trust him if you're feeling like this.

MrsHughesPinny · 25/02/2023 22:11

Sorry, just spotted it was his friend, not yours.

Original poster
Livelybutlonely · 25/02/2023 22:12

The problem is that I love him

OP posts:
Jobalons · 25/02/2023 22:13

If you can't ask you DH to look at his phone then that's not a relationship. I have access toy DH phone email everything he would not bat an eyelid.

But because I know I can I don't feel the need too. People who hid things generally have a reason. He's not a good guy or to be trusted. He need to earn your trust and that starts with being 100% transparent and open.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2023 22:14

What does hitting the roof look like? He might have agreed to more openness but by reacting like that he’s training you not to bother asking. Again, not the actions of a good guy. And not an ideal environment for your child to live in. You must be heartbroken by his betrayal and you can change your mind about trying to stay and live with it as you don’t trust him and he’s giving you every reason not to!

Jobalons · 25/02/2023 22:15

Livelybutlonely · 25/02/2023 22:12

The problem is that I love him

The problem is does he honestly love you or are you just some one too keep him company whilst he shags around or does he just like his cake and also eats it else where too.

Original poster
Livelybutlonely · 25/02/2023 22:16

@Jobalons thats the question I can’t answer

OP posts:
Oohhhh · 25/02/2023 22:17

You need to set a boundary with him. If you feel the need to look at his phone and he's not prepared to let you then that's a done deal.

GladAllOver · 25/02/2023 22:17

So he's shouting you down when you need to talk about it, and allowing you to think it's your fault for not giving him enough sex.
This is NOT a good man.

Jobalons · 25/02/2023 22:19

Livelybutlonely · 25/02/2023 22:16

@Jobalons thats the question I can’t answer

From personal experience if a guy truly love you he will bend over backwards to please you. If he sees your upset he would want to make it up to you. If he's hitting the roof just by you asking to see his phone he does not love you.

Humans generally don't like change we like routine, he will be perfectly happy living with you getting sex now and again, and getting it on the side.

Relationships that lady need trust, understanding and compassion.

Littlemissmagnet · 25/02/2023 22:20

Livelybutlonely · 25/02/2023 22:03

But if you felt you could have been more active in the relationship to keep things alive? Would that be a factor. I wasn’t really that forthcoming with sex.

No. In a loving relationship, nether partner would have been expected to get sex elsewhere. I guess not unless there is a prior agreement in the relationship. Do not blame yourself for his actions. He sounds unsupportive as to the reasons why you weren't "forthcoming, "as you quoted. Bit of a unilateral decision on his part to have an affair to deal with it. I'm sorry OP Flowers

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