To give up on my depressed mum

[Daisyinchains]

DM is in her 60s. She's had MH problems all her life, she's very up and down mood wise, very low most of the time. It really impacted me growing up - it's awful but I genuinely couldn't wait to leave home.

I'm now in my mid 30s and she's recently been quite bad. She calls me up out of the blue saying she feels like she's going to die from a panic attack, or wants to kill herself to try and make me drive 3 hours to be with her. She's ultimately disappointed I don't live nearby and hang out with her all the time, like she did with her mum.

Aibu to think she can never get better? Do these things ever get any better? Do I have to just distance myself from her? Me and DH may start trying for a baby in the next couple of years and just won't be able to deal with it. She refuses to take medication and won't do anything to help her MH, eg. leaving the house, gentle exercise, eating proper meals, getting a part time job or little volunteering role (which she is capable of). And MH services local to her are non existent. MH crisis team took 5 days to respond last time she was having a meltdown.

The only thing keeping me in touch is guilt and sadness that she'll be alone to be honest. I have a brother but he has depression and can barely run his own life. I have MH issues too, but I've figured out how to help myself cope.

Some people who suffer from poor MH can unintentionally be quite selfish. They can’t see past how they feel and how things affect them. It’s not meant to hurt you. She won’t have been doing it on purpose. She’s more likely to be completely unaware of how she’s affecting you.

Have a look at Mind.org. I think they have some advice on how to cope as a family member 💐

That must be so frustrating, especially the fact that she's not doing anything to help herself. I think you have to put yourself first.

No wonder you and your brother have MH issues. It sounds very difficult growing up with your mum.

Does she have any other support? I'm not sure what you can do if she refuses to engage.

I mean this nicely but maybe a care home would be better for her? I know she's young mid 60s but at least she'd be around people all the time, with carers on side ready to help her.

That or maybe a local befriending service would be best?

YANBU though to distance yourself, depression is hard let alone dealing with a parent who has it.
My mum was depressed for a few years as I moved away and she wanted the close relationship in the end I got her a little Yorkshire terrier, and she's really happy in herself. she goes out twice a day for walks, and has met so many new friends through walking him. Maybe another idea?

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks Unfortunately she hates animals. We once looked after a relative's dog for 2 weeks and she was convinced the dog was personally out to get her because it wouldn't do anything she told it to do. (Failed to understand it was dog). After the first week she refused to be downstairs unless the dog was shut in the conservatory/dining room away from her.

She just hates everyone and everything. She just wants to sit in silence staring at the walls or watching TV all day. It's like she's stuck in her own brain.

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks I've wondered about care homes but we can't afford it. (Sorry my last message sent before I'd finished it)

I feel for you and want to send you a hug.

Stepping back can sometimes be the only answer, for your own mental health too. Yes some people might want to cling on but for me, personally, I have very little contact with my own Mum.

Now she plays the poor me, little victim role but I've developed a tough skin. That role is completely created by her and I've no time for it.

Could you say you're going away on holiday for a couple of weeks and not contactable, just for some peace? Or is that not a feasible excuse.

Rather than a care home, how about an over 60's, Warden controlled retirement village? My DM sounds very similar to yours (in fact there was a thread similar to this one the other day, where I made a similar comment), and she is much happier in her little flat with only people she knows around her. They have social areas, and the only people in them will be residents, including a garden and regular quiz, music etc. type evenings. My DM bought her flat (we're in the SW and it was about £80k), but I know there are plenty available for rent if your DM isn't in a position to buy one. It's made a world of difference for my DM (she even has a boyfriend from the same building, and he's great at getting her to take her meds and make sure she eats etc.) and it's also made a world of difference to me and my family. Although we are only 10 mins away, and I will always go over in an emergency, I no longer have to see her every day, and we just have daily catch up calls, rather than late-night-"it's-the-end-of-the-world"-type calls!

At the end of the day, you need to put yourself first (put your own life jacket on first etc.), but I really understand the pressure having a mentally ill DM puts on you. I always feel like if I were to upset her, or not be there when she needs me, she's going to kill herself - I know she's stable(ish) now, but it's what's happened since I was about 13, and it's incredibly hard to change that internal monologue, isn't it? I would say that I became better at putting myself first when I had DC, as I was, and continue to be, determined that they won't be as horrifically affected by my DM's mental health and me and my DSis have been - in fact, I'm trying very hard to make sure they're not affected at all!

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you're able to find some peace with your decision. I know I've had times when I've thought I'd have to cut her off, but I know that I wouldn't be able to, as the guilt would eat me alive.

I really feel for you. My dad had MH problems and sometimes would have flare ups and say/do strange things, but he did sort himself out, went to the doctor, took what he needed to take. It's not unreasonable to expect your mum to do similar although it's possible that she can't. Set your boundaries and be proud of the new life that you've made for yourself. It's so hard to worry about your single and unwell parents but it's not really fair, decide for yourself when, how often and how you want to visit.

Has she ever been diagnosed with anything? Because it sounds like it could be a couple of things that are a bit more complicated than depression, and there are therapies and medications aimed at those more complicated conditions that might enable her to have a better quality of life. I don't know how to get help for someone unwilling to help themselves though, she'd need to talk to her GP and ask to be referred to the mental health team and be assessed.

How old is she? You say 60s. I assume she doesn’t have a job. When did she last work? What income does she have to live off now? Does she live alone-I assume? Sorry for the questions.

I'm pretty sure she can get help towards care home care off the government, won't be as nice as the private ones but it's something. I'm not clued up about though but it's worth looking into.

@Changingnametime She's just turned 60. She hasn't worked for about 15 years. She has no money of her own. My dad has always brought in the income. My dad lives with her but it's taking its toll on him, he's unhappy and at the end of his tether. He lives a separate life without her essentially. Goes to work, has his own hobbies and does his own thing most of the time. I think he may leave her at some point.

@IsItBedtimeYetNope She's been diagnosed with GAD/OCD and postnatal depression in the past. We wonder if she has a personality disorder but it's impossible to get her any sort of assessment locally.

@OliveWah Thank you for this, I relate a lot to the part about worrying that upsetting DM will cause her to harm herself. That's been a constant worry since I was a child. It's tough isn't it.

It's really hard. You need to mentally distance yourself I think. It's your responsibility to fix things for her, only she can really do that by seeking appropriate treatment etc. If she moans, say something sympathetic then get on with your life. Let go of the guilt and responsibility. She may never change but as long as you act like her emotional crutch she certainly won't. Your father is an adult and again, all you can do for him is support his choices, let him know that if he chose to leave you will still love him.