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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you make of this message?

15 replies

Trazo · 25/02/2023 12:46

I'm in a long distance relationship of nearly 6 years and we're in the middle of plans for him to come and join my family home with my two teenagers.

We always new it would be this long, so this is the prize we've always talked of, naturally it means discussions and practical realities.

For example, a simple thing, now the time for building a new shed for storage. And because of the distance and it's here, this falls to me.

There's obviously other things too, day-to-day reality, emotions, money, work etc

So last week he asks in message for a chat, says I interrupted him in a conversation and he's feeling that I'm under pressure. Then after work yesterday I sent him a quick hello, how are you? to let him know I'm back home and he sends this...

I’m ok lovely, thought it best not to bother you as you’ve got a lot on your plate XXX

He sent a 'hope you're dealing with all your challenges well' message today. No question mark.

I'm quite angry and don't know what to say to him.

AIBU? Is this a healthy boundary for him to set

Or

IANBU? to feel this is him saying you're on your own with this? Esp as 'this' should be us working through the ups and downs of us living together together?

Thank you x

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 25/02/2023 12:49

I'd be cross with those messages too! It makes it sound like he's expecting you to run around and sort everything so he can just rock up an move in.

I'd be putting the brakes on his move until he explains himself.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 25/02/2023 12:49

I are Definitely NBU

DashboardConfessional · 25/02/2023 12:50

I would too. You're not upset about a work issue here, it's joint practicalities!

tiggergoesbounce · 25/02/2023 12:58

Sounds like bizzare wording. So without knowing how you usually message eachother its hard to know. But i would be very confused as it sounds like these are all your worries rather than "ours"

Have you talked a lot of "your challenges"?

Surely the practicalities of him moving here have already all been discussed during the 6 year relationship.

Is he now taking a step back on organising certain things from his end?

Is he getting cold feet and looking for a way out by pissing you off?

Treetopviews · 25/02/2023 13:03

I don’t really understand the issue with the messages, I’m not sure what you expect him to do. Build the shed when he gets there if it’s an issue?

DoesItMakeYouFeelBetter · 25/02/2023 13:20

It doesn’t need a question mark because it’s not a question. It sounds like he is trying to be caring.

Gemmanorthdevon · 25/02/2023 13:33

Sounds like he is treading on eggshells a bit?! Maybe he is very aware of how much of a challange this bit is for you, and wanting to make it clear he realises, but at the same not add any extra pressure?

But whatever he is trying to convey, please remember that making assumptions based on what YOU read into a WhatsApp message has the potential to cause great damage. So maybe not make your mind up until you have spoken to him. I'm a little blown you ready havnt, after 6 years you should be calling him straight away rather than asking mumsnet to dissect it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Everyonesinvited · 25/02/2023 13:37

No one can know based on what you've said! It sounds a bit crackers. Don't get angry yet. This is a communication breakdown. Take the time to talk to him and articulate what you want from him as I have no idea and I doubt he does.

BabyOnBoard90 · 25/02/2023 13:37

Feels like there's useful context being left out of the post as it doesn't really add up.

In any event, it doesn't sound horrible that he's giving you space to sort out your affairs.

DashboardConfessional · 25/02/2023 13:38

It's the "your challenges" for me. As opposed to being specific. If my friend's mum has cancer or she's been turned down for a job, I don't send her a generic "Hope you're doing ok with your challenges!" message.

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 25/02/2023 13:43

OK but presumably he has offset of packing to do, cleaning the place he's moving put of, taking metre readings...

Are you sure he's not at least as busy as you are?

I wouldn't fancy building a shed though and if it's for him I'd tell him to build it when he gets there

Youre both bound to be nervous as the day approaches but try not to fight about things

The text's are kinda OK to me

Theyresexpeoplemn · 25/02/2023 13:47

Not a clue. But if you're having doubts then there must be a reason for this. Trust your instincts and think it through carefully while you can.

Thelnebriati · 25/02/2023 13:48

I might be reading into it but it sounds like he is setting up an expectation that he's not there to support you emotionally.
Caveat; I've been through similar and that's how it played out. Then I was framed as being needy. That was after a breast cancer scare when I got literally not one encouraging word from him.

KrisAkabusi · 25/02/2023 14:18

I can't see a single thing wrong with any of those messages. I genuinely can't see why you're angry. It looks to me like he's being considerate.

Original poster
Trazo · 25/02/2023 15:24

Thank you all x

I'm sorry for the space you were left in @Thelnebriati you remind me this is exactly what my stepdad did to my mum. So very hard. Sending understanding and kindness to you Xx

Perspective gained here and baggage owned. Thank you,'it's these messy triggered parts that I do so appreciate being able to sound out here. Sometimes long distance isn't resilient for long emotional dissections, it's good to turn up balanced and thought-through.

We've spoken - and it definitely went better for the feedback here. Big thanks

OP posts:
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