How to deal with Early Help?

[UndertheCedartree]

A while ago I contacted Early Help as they were going to be starting a neuro diverse service as a route to diagnosis. Was looking at it for my DD but they told me they hadn't started it yet but while chatting the lady said they could help me out with another issue around my DS's education.

The way it was all explained to me was they're not Social workers, it's all very relaxed, they help with what you ask for help with. However, it didn't turn out that way. Before any help could be offered, they wanted to do an assessment which involved going into my whole life in intricate detail. She wanted to get to know my DD (even though I wasn't asking for any help for her), a man began contact with my DS - despite my concern of someone coming and going from their life and spent lots of time telling us how much she cared about us and that they would be seeing us for at least 6 months. The reason I say about coming and going as due to my mental health the children have had many social workers in and out of their lives over a short period.

I'm currently waiting for trauma therapy and had been warned by my previous psychologist about being 're-traumatised' and making sure people who worked with me were careful not to do this. This woman just went in all guns blazing into really traumatic stuff and when I said she was re-traumatising me just said 'sometimes we need to have tough conversations'. The second time she did it I assumed she didn't understand and explained it all and what my psychologist had said and told her how what she was doing was impacting my mental health. She told me I couldn't blame her for my poor mental health and I yet again tried to explain and things became a bit heated.

So the next thing I know is Early Help have referred us to Children's Services. An assessment has been done and the DC put on a Child in Need plan. I have read the report today and the information supplied by Early Help is in all honesty almost pure fantasy. But yet, I feel if I refute it, it will look like defensiveness. Because it is unbelievable how inaccurate it is. I also know from experience once something is written on a report it never disappears and you just have to constantly challenge it.

As some examples, I apparently was bad at engaging with them because they had to wait a couple of weeks to see us (this was because we were in another country at the time!) - they say I had a 'problem working with services'. My exDH 'comes and goes as he likes' because he has a key to my house, despite me telling her the set times he sees the DC. I wouldn't 'safety plan' around my ex. My partner has been banned from my DD's school - school have told me this isn't so after a lot of toing and froing but as above that will sit on the DC's plan and be taken as true. I wouldn't consent to her going in my almost 16 yo's room. Well, no I wouldn't because it is not for me to consent to, not that I remember it ever came up as not sure why it would?

Any advice on the best way to deal with this, much appreciated.

Oh, and obviously I also had to pay for the children's diagnoses privately, because the NHS neurodevelopmental paediatrician who put them on the pathway said it would be FOUR YEARS before they got their full assessment. So, I as a lone parent (who is disabled myself!) provide a home, and specialist childcare for these kids, and also had to pay for their diagnoses and therapy. And when I told SS very clearly from the start that this private therapy was a stopgap and I cannot pay it long-term as well as their childcare and the mortgage etc, and their psychologist says that SS/NHS need to put long-term trauma therapy in place, what do they do? Nothing. They demand a disabled lone parent fund this themself. 🙄 No respite care, no help with the additional childcare costs, no communication with school or nursery, no linking up to any charities that might be able to provide support re. the abuse, no communications with OTs. Nothing. I struggle to understand why I pay so much tax to pay for these people, they are completely useless. What has to happen before they will help? They say they want parents to engage but even if you're actively self-referring and shouting for help and chasing them, with two traumatised kids with autism, they overrule the recommendations of professionals and say they will provide no support, ignore you, and then harrass you with "unannounced visits" for spurious reasons. This woman made some comical and inappropriate comments about my finances also, asking how much I earn, and assuming that my nanny's (fancy) car was mine, when actually the battered up old 8 year old one belongs to me. They seem to have huge biases, no objectivity, very little relevant training in autism/ trauma etc, and be incapable of keeping accurate records. Thankfully I did: I emailed them "minutes" of our discussions and agreed action points after any telephone call or physical meeting, stating "if your recollection differs to the above please respond stating how so we can correct any misunderstandings". Then there was an indisputable record of what had happened: would recommend everyone does so.

I believe you op. I had a very similar experience. I had terrible pnd and was referred (voluntarily) by a healthcare worker to whom I confessed having suicidal ideation, stupidly thinking they would help me. The healthcare worker had asked me if my son was in the house at that moment (yes) and if he was in my care (no, with his dad). By the time the SW turned up their story had changed to my son being in my sole care, with this being their primary concern. The conversation with the health worker had actually been recorded but they wouldn't listen to it, despite my repeated requests. The "sole care" allegation is still on my record, presumably.

Like you, I experienced a load of invasive, retraumatising questions with an insistence that they "just wanted to help", even when I told them clearly and calmly that they were making things (considerably) worse. I'd experienced huge amounts of trauma in the preceding few years (think multiple important bereavements, near death experience, child with a significant disability) and had been seeking a MH referral for many months with no success. I thought they would finally get me access to help, but they did absolutely nothing on that front, and made me feel like I was a bad mother and being watched. When I talked about stress, the social worker simply told me that "sometimes we need to find ways of coping with it".

Thankfully they closed my case pretty quickly, but following this I, like you, agreed to early help for my son, believing this to be purely about access to disability services. Instead, the SW who showed up had been briefed about every detail of my personal life. Stuff that I desperately wanted to put behind me and was completely irrelevant to getting help for my son. She was actually a kind and pleasant person (she even encouraged me to complain about the breach of confidentiality) but I absolutely regret agreeing to contact.

No substantive help was offered and it took up lots of time and made me feel even more scrutinized and stigmatized. And what's particularly infuriating is that they could have signposted me to a bunch of benefits worth literally thousands of pounds per year. But no, we just drew diagrams of my support network, and I was encouraged to go on patronising courses that I couldn't attend because I was a full time carer for my son.

I totally sympathise with the feeling of things "never going away" because they're on a report, even when they're demonstrably false. And I find it interesting that someone has chimed in, without any apparent justification, and despite the very clear and factual account you've given of incompetence and errors by the SW, to accuse you of "gaps in your insight". (And also places the blame on you for not understanding the sw's concerns, rather than the SW for failing to communicate them). The assumption of "parent wrong, SW right" is very evident in this post, and I find it concerning, if unsurprising.

I do hope that people complain about this kind of thing, because harming vulnerable families is not ok, and it's clear from this thread that you are not alone in your experiences.

In the meantime I do have a useful tip, which is that if someone is insisting that they're "just trying to help", then call their bluff and tell them what you need. After pleading many times to be left alone, I finally snapped and requested a whole bunch of practical support (e.g. respite care) that would actually help improve my mental health. At this point they mysteriously decided that actually everything was fine, and the case was closed immediately.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Unfortunately, it has been the same experience for me that when my DC were on a Child in need plan before, there was absolutely no help offered ever. It is such a waste of resources. Every meeting the same report was read out, I pointed out the inaccuracies, actions were recorded. Next meeting, same report, same inaccuracies, no actions done - all rolled on to the next meeting and repeat. Their dad stopped attending the meetings after a while as they were pointless. Of course, I couldn't do that as I would be 'not engaging'...dad can do whatever he likes, though! It really is all so frustrating! My ASD boy particularly hated the intrusion. It made a difficult time for him much harder. And the reason now he point blank refuses to speak to the SW.

That is appalling. Do you get DLA for the children now? I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

That's a good idea about the 'minutes'. In between meetings I usually text the DC's SW, but I will make sure to make my own notes at meetings.

Does anyone know is there an age where the SW will stop insisting on seeing my son. She has stopped trying to talk to him after he told her to piss off. But says she has to see him, which he is unhappy about. He's 16 in April.

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. It does seem we are far from alone. And yes I agree about the SW right, parent wrong mentality . And this is why I'm so worried the SW won't believe me about the errors made by EH.

I am going to try your tactic. Got nothing to lose, after all.

I'm sorry to hear your experiences @ThatOldHag I'm guessing you were under a Child Protection Team rather than Children with Disabilities Team. I work in the Disabilities branch of Social Work and we support with direct payments, respite etc and have much more specialised training(understandably) in Disabilities than our colleagues on the general teams. Works differently in different areas, qe often get a lot of flack for having very high thresholds due to funding but worth exploring if you haven't already. We very often get families coning up from Early Help with issues regarding disability when Early Help are beyond what they can provide.

That is appalling. Do you get DLA for the children now? I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

That's a good idea about the 'minutes'. In between meetings I usually text the DC's SW, but I will make sure to make my own notes at meetings.

Does anyone know is there an age where the SW will stop insisting on seeing my son. She has stopped trying to talk to him after he told her to piss off. But says she has to see him, which he is unhappy about. He's 16 in April.

I have applied for DLA for both a couple of months ago but heard nothing back.

Minutes definitely are worth sending to them after each meeting because then it gives them a chance to disagree with what happened at the time, and if not then they can't later claim something else entirely was said/ that they don't remember/ dispute the accuracy of your own notes later.

I can't help about when they will stop insisting to see your son as mine are still so young, and in our case we had the opposite problem with them closing the case without doing anything that had been the point of me making the referral in the first place, despite all of the instrusive behaviour. I totally understand why he doesn't want to soeak to them though, after his experience, especially as he has ASD. You'd hope by his age his wishes would be considered? Idk.

Sorry, NC fail!

Thank you. Yes I did also mention being transferred to that team but nothing happened, ignored like all other communication. No idea why we were put under child protection team as there were no issues in that regard ever, as they concluded in both of their reports. Such a waste of resources when presumably there are many children at risk that that team should have been protecting, as well as being useless for supporting us. I will ask the support worker we finally have from Early Help if a transfer to your team is possible as that would be most appropriate given my children's issues.

At least with this recently allocated support worker from Early Help, she does seem to have some idea about the basics of autism. And be trying to contact nursery/ school/ CAMHS to make some progress. She also listened to what I said and told me I am a really strong person for having managed all of this with zero support to date. So I have no complaints about her personally so far, it's just that the previous totally incompetent social worker destroyed my faith in them as a service. I mean there could always be a useless person in any profession - there are plenty in mine that I've come across! - however that is what the complaints procedures are for. And what was utterly shocking was that when a formal complaint was raised it was fobbed off at stage one, and at stage two is still to be answered 6 months later when the statutory deadline is 60 working days maximum. So it isn't just a failing of one individual, it is a service that does not take accountability and its legal responsibilities seriously and weed out the "bad apples". It tries instead to make it so time consuming and stressful to report incompetent behaviour and get it rectified that I imagine most people give up, and that seems to be entirely intentional: they have no interest in firing the incompetent ones who do more harm than good and close ranks instead. Whereas in my own profession, for behaviour so egregiously incompetent, you'd be stuck off and never work in the field again.

There really needs to be a culture change, from what I have witnessed. I imagine many parents would not have the resources I have to combat this incompetence: legal expertise so the ability to look up and understand relevant legislation; funds to fill the gaps their services leave with private therapy/ reports; the ability to cope with the unnecessary stress they have caused, the foresight to keep accurate records of exactly what was said/ happened when. But why should I have to take on effectively an extra full time job to do their job for them? They seem to be oblivious to the fact that they are meant to be providing a service and support, not making life even more difficult for people who are asking them to help. And then as I said earlier, what happens to the kids who don't have a parent to advocate for them constantly and chase up all of the ignored communications over and over again? The children who are actually at risk if harm won't have parents who do this in many cases, so no wonder there are so many tragic stories.

Works differently in different areas, qe often get a lot of flack for having very high thresholds due to funding but worth exploring if you haven't already.

@clareykb is there somewhere I can find the thresholds for the disabilities team online, for my local service? So that I can see whether we would meet them. I take it from your post that there is no national standard/ statutory threshold set for when a transfer to that team is meant to happen? Which in itself is madness.

I made such a stupid mistake of telling my health visitor that I was struggling with my ds behaviour sometimes although I was clear that felt it was related to me and his dad separating and he just needed a bit of time and understanding. Unfortunately I also revealed to her that I was struggling with my own mental health due to a bereavement and she tried to refer me to something that sounds similar to this, although she didn’t call it ‘early help’. As soon as she mentioned it it I realised I had made a massive mistake. I turned down the referral but HV has phoned me several times since then to see how things are and advise I have this involvement. It’s been causing me so much extra anxiety, and reading this thread I can see I was right to be concerned! I have never told the HV anything personal in the 13 years since DD1 was born, but I’ve known her all those years through having 3 kids and I really thought she would just be a friendly, supportive ear to talk to while I was struggling. I could tell straight away it was the wrong thing to do and I don’t think she is just going to let it go now either 😭

I totally agree with the comments about culture.

For the record, I'm sure that there are many kind and competent social workers out there, often doing thankless, dangerous work for little pay. But I also think that there are clear problems in some services with confidentiality, respect, accountability and transparency, and there is also a lack of quality control in the hiring and monitoring of SWs.

I also often see a defensiveness in the sw's posting on Mumsnet ("they must have a good reason" "they're extremely busy"), which is ironic given that a similar reflex would be considered an important red flag if a parent was doing it. Being a SW is a position of enormous power and there is therefore huge potential for unprofessional behaviour. Most parents are terrified at the prospect of having their children removed, and will tolerate treatment from SWs that they would never accept in another context. Judging by the number of negative experiences I've read on Mumsnet, unprofessional behaviour is not that rare, and very rarely challenged.