Do I need to cut my cousin off?

[ClemC122]

I've got no one to talk to about this so just trying to sound off and hopefully someone can offer some advice too if they have experienced anything like this.

We all grew up dirt poor. Some of us worked hard, got good careers and saved and are doing well. My cousin is 33 and does nothing other than spend her time on holiday or buying things she cant afford like fancy handbags, coats and shoes that cost thousands. She's my little cousin and when I had a good job I always paid for everything. But I have recently had another baby and given up work meanwhile she has got a great promotion at work and has said she is earning well.

She hardly ever gets to visit as she lives far away but she came this time and once again its the same as always - moaning about the price of her flight until I offer to pay for it, pleading poverty at every turn with a Burberry coat on and assuming I will pay for everything the entire time she is here.

She doesn't come to London often so I used to let her pick whatever things she'd seen she wants to do on insta but this time my circumstances are totally different. I explained I don't have as much money and with two kids in tow things are a bit different but she still picks flashy bars and restaurants AND NEVER PUTS HER HAND IN HER POCKET. Never once has she paid for drinks or a meal or anything! She will let the bill sit on the table until its just too awkward and I pay it. At one bar we had food and drinks and she was saying she wanted to get one of everything on the tapas bar menu so I said "ok, we'll i'll just have X and a coke" and she went up to the bar then as we were leaving she went to the toilet and said "Oh I opened a tab by the way" and off she went out the door so I had to pay for it......

I was so annoyed that I pretended I broke my bank app that night and asked her to help me fix it just so she would see I literally have 0 disposable income! Then the next day - basically the same thing happened again!

I'm not good with confrontation but her behaviour is starting to make me hate her so I need something to change.

I know i'm not being unreasonable to hate her behaviour and to think she's taking the P but am I being unreasonable to assume she would change / care that its not my job to pay for her lifestyle? I just assumed she would grow out of it and stand on her own two feet....but maybe I need to actually outright say to her??

Or...another thing has crossed my mind...she just uses me and doesn't care about me at all in which case, what's the point in trying to salvage something. I know she pays when shes out with other people cos shes mentioned it in passing.

You've answered your own question here. You know she's taking the piss and you need to either tell her or stop enabling her. Honestly it sounds like you know what you need to do already. She sounds awful.

You need to find your courage. If you’re going to cut her off, then you may as well just say, “look, you’re an adult and clearly have far more cash than me. I cannot afford to bankroll you any more, and I wouldn’t want to even if I could. If you could pay me £300 to cover the bills you’ve cost me on this trip then it would help heal the rift that’s grown between us. Otherwise I cannot see our friendship getting past this, as I feel really used and taken for granted.”

This is insane, but you’re part of the problem. She’s rude and grabby, but it happens because you let it.

Tell her before somewhere is booked that she’s paying half. Tell her before you go out, tell her when you sit down, tell her as she orders, tell her when the bill comes.

If she still does it, then you have to make a decision about whether you want to do that sort of socialising with her.

You've enabled this behaviour.

Stop hinting and start telling her that she is due you XYZ or that you got the last one so she needs to get this one.

She obviously doesn't get away with this with anyone else, which is why she pays her way with them.

But you let her do it?! I utterly hate confrontation but I’d have no problem saying ‘ I’m absolutely poor, we can go their but will need to pay for our own meals’ or ‘I’ll cook something nice later’.

Why not try that before cutting a whole relationship off, it would be the less dramatic option.

*there

I don't understand how you've let this happen.

Why can't you tell her, using actual words, that you won't be paying for her?

Hold on, you paid for her flight? You paid for a flight for an adult who is employed and earns well?

Don't get me wrong, I'm fond of my family and everything and I earn bloody well (the fabled MN six figures and all that), but I'm not subsidising travel for somebody else's jollies (younger or older family members excepted, obviously).

That's not on. Put your foot down and mean it, because I expect that raising two kids in London isn't going to leave you with much spare.

I’d cut her off.
Regardless of whether you manage to speak up and tell her that you will not pay for x,y,z as you have no spare money, she’s using you as a cash cow. And the fact that she is manipulating situations so that you pay just shows that she doesn’t give a shit about you.
Id turf her out and tell her to fuck off to a hotel until her flight back as she has used you over and over. Brazenly and selfishly.

It certainly is less dramatic, but since this is a CF the OP is dealing with, the CF is likely to create a stink anyway.

plus, it’s not just the money, it’s the fact that the CF must not really care about the OP. Her behaviour demonstrates that - and that’s the bigger problem.

I agree you've been a bit silly letting this happen again and again. You just shouldn't have gone out with her.

I have a cousin like this. I tried explaining it nicely to her, tried asking up front, and realized she was just going to take the piss whenever she could. I don't talk to her now, as once I would not stump up for everything, it became clear she was not really interested in me at all, just a cash source.

Work out how much you have spent and send her a message stating “I added together all the food and drink bills from when we were out. It’s comes to X so please transfer your half of X. I haven’t included any associated costs with your lodgings and will treat you to your flight. Please send to (bank details) by the end of the week as my credit card needs paying.

It doesn't have to be confrontational. You can just say, "we can't afford to come with you today". She sounds a bit mean though. So maybe add "hosting you is not really fun since I have had children " and hope she takes the hint. You are at different stages in your life and she sounds quite footloose and thoughtless. I absolutely wouldn't take her out any more or invite her again.

I’ve voted YABU because you’re behaving like a child.

You tell her she being a sponging twit and to bugger off.

Stop paying for her. Tell her straight out you cannot afford the types of nights out you funded before, she needs to pay her half.

If that's problematic, then distance yourself.

I voted yabu. You pretended to have a broken app so she could see you bank balance instead of saying 'cool will we split in half or just pay for what we had?' Or 'go ahead and order whatever you fancy, I have not much cash right now so will just order a coke and a drink and pay for mine.' Honestly i find these situations really uncomfortable and hate any kind of confrontation but even i wouldn't have an issue with saying these things casually to a close (I'm assuming since she stays with you/is comfortable enough to let you pay) family member. You don't have to cut her off if you don't want to just tell her straight.

I wouldn't cut her off but I would be telling her straight that I can't afford to pay for her any more. If necessary, when the bill is on the table, put down your half in cash. Don't be a mug!

I'm not good with confrontation

This is so much of an understatement, it’s ludicrous! Honestly, you are letting her wipe her feet all over you again and again. Why would you? You have two kids now-that’s a perfect excuse not to go to repeated bars and tapas restaurants. But you really paid her flight?!!

Cousin, my financial circumstances are different now. I am not paying for you. I have young children. You have your own job.

You need to pay your own way so please stop expecting me to pay. We'll get separate bills from now on "

Next time she says oh it was expensive say "yes I know , everything's expensive. I don't work anymore and have two young children, so I have even less money than you "

It's your turn to pay now you're working and earning far more than me. Great if you want to go to that expensive restaurant but you'll need to pay for both of us"

I don't understand why you've just been passively paying this whole time. Just tell her no, and that she owes you half from her trip. If she kicks off, ask her why she thought you'd be paying for it all (make it jokey if your inability to confront anyone is that bad - "wait, why would i be paying for everything? You're loaded compared to me haha" etc).

If she then never visits any more, or refuses to pay because she expects you to, THEN you stop seeing her.

And practice not being a doormat to her whinging and just shrugging it off.

"My flight was so expensive" - "Aw no, what a nightmare! Still, at least you got to come for a fun trip."

When she doesn't pay - "are we splitting this one or do you want to pay and I'll transfer you half?"

When she suggests somewhere expensive you don't even want to pay half of - "ah that one's out of budget, not got the same disposable income now the kids are here, sorry! Do you fancy X instead?"

And then if she pushes on any of these:

I can't afford it, I told you
I can't afford to pay for us both, we're both adults now so it makes sense to go halves
Etc etc

You're making a rod for your own back. She's obviously got used to you paying and while she's a cheeky cow, it's clearly been left to you to correct her.

You need to speak up. "I'm happy to do X, but I can't afford to pay for you, so you'll have to pay for yourself." "That restaurant is out of my budget, I'm afraid."

@ClemC122 I think you need to have a firm conversation with her. If you don't feel like you can then be stricter when out - when the waiter comes over with the bill say 'we are splitting it across two cards please. 'When they come back with the card machine say '£20 on my card please' or whatever you owe. If she walks out not having paid the bill I'd pay my bit and ask if she'd paid hers (knoeing she hasn't), then say 'I will get her' and just say seeely to her 'oh I've paid my bit of the bill, I told them you'll come in to pay yours.' Don't accept any excuses. If she moans aboutvthe cost of something just say 'oh dear' and change the subject. If she's still a CF after that don't see her any more. She sounds awful. Don't enable this behaviour any more!