Friends and my mother‘s funeral

[Joder]

My mam passed away recently and my sister and I were the only ones to arrange all her wake ( InIreland) and her funeral.
Our family were amazing, they took complete control and looked after all the guests at the wake and offered food / refreshments etc. so my sister and I could talk to other mourners.
My sisters best friend from High School, who she rarely sees, called over and took control of mam’s kitchen, got food prepared, consoled us, greeted guests, all while being in the background. She held us both while we cried and was just AMAZING! It’s what I thought my best friends would do, but sadly neither of them came near me! One of them came to the funeral, but wasn’t there for me in person at all. the other never turned up at all, blaming me for not telling her times. It was on the website for all to see and I really wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be reminding anyone. I had to get my small kids prepared and console them too.
I got plenty of memes from them both through social media and texts saying they were thinking of me.
AITA for expecting them to come hold my hand, be there for me in person, or just for a hug?
I am so angry right now. I’m grieving and just feeling so alone friends wise. My husband is amazing and has been my rock, but am I selfish for expecting more from my friends?

What is normal for your community? The expectation that family would prepare for the funeral and host it is normal where I am but if you are feeling let down it sounds as if there's a different version of 'usual'.

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling hurt - that is really difficult alongside the loss of your mum. Don't forget that different people help in different ways. You might find that your friends really come into their own as a support for you once the ceremonial elements are over - don't push them away over this.

I guess I just wanted her to comfort me at some stage with a hug or a hand hold.
I got neither, which would be very unusual for a ‚best friend‘
i haven’t heard from her in three weeks since. She phoned me today but I ignored it and text her to say I wasn’t up to talking. I don’t feel like talking to her ever again.
she wasn’t there for me when I needed her most, but looking back, she hasn’t been there for me through a lot of life upheavals, whereas I have always dropped everything for her.
when she had covid, I did. her shopping and dropped it off at her gate. When I had covid, she text me once and that was it!
I was there for her every day when her marriage broke down, when I was having problems with my husband, she never text me yet again.
She lives 5 minutes away from me.
I do so much for her, give her children lifts when she’s not available, call round to hers when she’s down.
she’s been to my house once!

Sometimes it takes these big moments to realise how one-sided certain friendships are. I don’t know if that’s the case here, it’s just been my own experience that the people who ‘step up’ aren’t always the ones you think will. I’m sorry for your loss 💐

My first piece of advise would be to hold fire on any major decisions around your friendship. You're, tired, stressed and grieving and this is presenting as anger....much easier to handle than heartache!

Where I'm from it would be usual for family members to arrange the funeral, so maybe you, your sister (local siblings), some input from your dad (if he's around) and other siblings (further away). I'd then expect your own spouses/partners in turn to support you and take up a bit of the family slack that you've let slide. Friends would play a smaller role but step up if you were single. I certainly would expect anymore from them in terms of 'help'....just to turn up on the day for the funeral. In fact depending on their job/family commitments I wouldn't be shocked if my Hest friend said eg they can't make Thursday.
I would however expect extra calls and maybe visit if that's whatvyou seemed to want but I'd let you lead. Could it be that you're one of these very capable 'salt of the earth' typecwho just gets on with things and no one knows how hard you're finding things? It would be my spouse/partner I'd lean on most.
Give it time and reassess your relationship when you've had a bit more time to process that someone you love has gone x

I'm in Ireland and there's absolutely no excuse for your friend not knowing times. As you say, there's a website where every single funeral gets posted and everyone knows it.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve always thought funerals and weddings being out the best and worst in people. I wouldn’t immediately cut her out your life but view this as a realisation that you’re not as close as you thought you were. I’d immediately pull back on doing so much for them. If you want to stay friends, you’ll need to match the same level of effort they make so you don’t continue to feel so resentful.

bring out bloody autocorrect

Thank you everyone for replying.
We have whats called a 'months mind' in Ireland where we have another mass when someone is dead a month. We're not very religous at all but my best friend is very much so. She always goes to church.
I met her on the way into church and she nodded hello and kept walking. My husband remarked how strange it was that she didn't stop to talk seeing as she hadn't seen me in weeks!
After the church, she text me to say she had gone especially for my mum, but I think she was lying and didn't know about it. When mam's name was called out, she would have realised. I was so angry but just text back 'Thanks' and left it at that.
I haven't heard from her since. Some 'best friend'.

Who asks the family for times? I'd have thought that was fairly unheard of in Ireland. And you certainly wouldn't expect them to volunteer the information. So bizarre. I feel it does take a type of person to take over the kitchen and you wouldn't expect everyone to do this. So your sister is very lucky with her friend. But going to the funeral is the absolute minimum. Even my friends who I imagine wouldn't be used to a wake in a house would still figure it out for those they love.

Thats exactly it, I didn't want 'help', just a hand hold or a hug.

I’m sorry for your loss.

However, I don’t think your friends has done anything wrong. Maybe they didn’t react as you’d expect (apart from not knowing the time), but they were respecting your privacy. Funerals can be very much family affairs and maybe they didn’t want to intrude. If anything, your sisters friend could be seen as overstepping the mark and intruding on a family situation, a touch of the hero complex.

This is a very emotional time for you all. Don’t let your perception of your sister having a better friend ruin your friendship with your own.

My friends were exactly like this but I put it down to them not having lost a parent and the awkwardness of not knowing what to do. It's hard when you feel you would of done much more if you were in their situation but it's a difficult time and emotions are running high, it makes you see them in a different light but focus on your healing.

In Ireland, this would be just downright odd - as others have said, everyone knows where to go to find out funeral times, and not sympathising with you at to a 'best' friend's mother's funeral, or helping out at the wake, or /something/ , is just strange.
Funerals are very codified in Ireland, 'what you're supposed to do' is a really well known thing

How long have you been “best friends”

before this… presumably a very good supportive friend for you to have regarded her as your “best friend”?

I’d expect your husband to be your main support in this situation, I’m not sure the friend who has attended has done that much wrong? Funerals and grief are quite difficult for many and maybe you’ve inadvertently given the impression that you were coming and didn’t want hugs etc? If you want something from a friend sometimes you do have to ask

The excuse about not knowing the funeral details is crazy. In Ireland there is one website that every funeral is listed on.

However I would hold off, some people can be funny about death etc and can react in strange or hurtful ways. Give it some more time and see what happens. Sadly it could be that you see her more as a friend that she sees you. It does seem you do a lot for her and she does not for you.

I'm sorry to read this.

I'm afraid it's not unusual to find out at the worst possible time in your life, that your best friends are just the 'fair weather' variety.

I speak from a very similar experience. I was so angry - and still grieving. Eventually I wrote her a heartfelt letter about how disappointed I was, but never sent it!

Now it's 3 years on and too late. She never got back in touch. I still think about her and wish things were different, but am still so hurt.

I understand where you are coming from @Joder . In Ireland it is normal for friends, neighbours, extended family to flock to offer comfort when someone dies. The wake is a big part of this and is where others are on hand 'to make the tea' 'drink the whiskey ' 'offer the sandwiches ' or just sit and share memories. It is such a big part of the grieving process prior to the funeral.
Your friend is no friend and given your explanation above is a user. She knows she should have been there for you and how important her support would have been. Living 5 minutes from you and she texts after the months mind? She has shown you who she is so time to concentrate on healing yourself and moving on without her.

I am so sorry for your loss. I get that some people feel uncomfortable around death but suck it up. In general most irish people especially from rural backgrounds understand the importance of physically amd emotionally being there. Your disappointment is warranted. After my father died I was extremely angry and focused on this rather than my grief as it was too painful. Ah your lovely Mam x

Thank you all for your beautiful replies, it means so much xx

It sounds like from your updates, that she doesnt have the same definitions of friendship as you OP and thats shit, especially if she is happy to accept help from you when she needs it.

It's up to you what you do from here, I'd maybe give it a few months before making any final decisions. But I certainly wouldnt be giving anything else to her in terms of emotional space, time, practical help next time she needs it, as it is too one sided. It's up to you if you feel like you get anything else from this friendship and if you want to continue on the basis of, say, you know you will never be there for each other in times of crisis but you have fun when you meet up for a drink

I'm sorry about your mum

You're not unreasonable at all. When my dad died, I had two of my friends arrive but not come to the wake because of work. That annoyed me, BUT one of those friends texted me daily for months after to check in, and that really helped.
My best friend didn't text much at all, which was shit BUT she was a constant at the funeral,and the wake right till the end which was great.
I can only see this in hindsight, not everyone knows what you need. X

My best friends were amazing at my mum’s funeral. I didn’t “expect” it as such but both of them being there for me, despite not really knowing a lot of the other guests, meant the world.

So no, YANBU. That’s what friends are for. And I know you’re not meaning they should have done the organising, but to be there for you and show their love and support.