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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money as a present

39 replies

mnnewbie12 · 24/02/2023 13:04

Honest opinions please.

I am in my 30s and on MAT leave. Pay is now at it lowest on SMP and so I was hoping to ask for money from family for my birthday, rather than a present. Is this an odd thing to do? I've not asked before.

OP posts:
Luoisa · 24/02/2023 13:07

Do they normally ask you what you'd like? If they ask, and you answer saying a couple of pounds would be lovely then there's nothing wrong with that. Depending how close you are, asking for money would also be ok if you know for sure they'll be gifting to you anyway. Otherwise, it's cheeky.

PaigeMatthews · 24/02/2023 13:08

i cannot see why not. My mil always gives cash to me, dh and kids on top of presents.

mindutopia · 24/02/2023 13:09

I wouldn't think it odd at all. I asked for a contribution towards our nursery bill as a birthday present from my family when dd was little. I didn't need more stuff, but a bit less financial strain was nice.

redskydelight · 24/02/2023 13:10

Depends on your family dynamic. Mine would be horrified if I asked for money as a birthday present (but would happily give it to me if I'd asked for it because I was struggling).

Original poster
mnnewbie12 · 24/02/2023 13:12

Luoisa · 24/02/2023 13:07

Do they normally ask you what you'd like? If they ask, and you answer saying a couple of pounds would be lovely then there's nothing wrong with that. Depending how close you are, asking for money would also be ok if you know for sure they'll be gifting to you anyway. Otherwise, it's cheeky.

Yes they always ask what I'd like. It just feels different asking when you're an adult.

OP posts:
Curiosity101 · 24/02/2023 13:12

It would be fine / normal in our family. Some of my family members don't like giving cash though.

Gift cards for something like Amazon or Netflix or similar tends to make them feel better. Then I use it to subsidise any purchases I would have been making anyway or in the case of Netflix it covers my bill for a few months which frees up cash that way instead. I don't necessarily tell them like that though.

Rellywobble · 24/02/2023 13:13

Absolutely no problem with my family. My mother always gave me money and I would do the same for my children.

Luoisa · 24/02/2023 13:15

If they ask and you reply saying money that's perfectly fine

AnotherSpare · 24/02/2023 13:15

I never give money as a present. To me, the whole purpose of a present is to think about someone and choose an item or experience that they would enjoy having/doing. To me, giving cash is pointless because them buying themselves a gift (or not) with my money removes the whole purpose of the gesture.

But as a previous comment says, if my friend or relative was struggling and asked for financial help I would happily give cash/food/etc to help out in general, just would not do it under the guise of a birthday gift.

But everyone is different. If your family often do cash gifts then no harm in asking.

Luoisa · 24/02/2023 13:18

giving cash is pointless because them buying themselves a gift (or not) with my money removes the whole purpose of the gesture

Completely still a gesture. And now that person can put a meal on the table if that's the difference. Lots of people wouldn't want to speak up and say can you help me put a meal on the table, but would gladly put a meal on the table with their birthday money.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 24/02/2023 13:18

I don't like giving money as I like ti know the present is for the intended person. But I'm happy to if I know why like to go towards a bigger purchase not to go on bills. But every family is different. We once gave grandson money for a ps5 and he never got one and just spent the money on take aways and that, but then if family member was struggling I would help out

Luoisa · 24/02/2023 13:23

Ohdearnotagain76 · 24/02/2023 13:18

I don't like giving money as I like ti know the present is for the intended person. But I'm happy to if I know why like to go towards a bigger purchase not to go on bills. But every family is different. We once gave grandson money for a ps5 and he never got one and just spent the money on take aways and that, but then if family member was struggling I would help out

Each to their own obviously. But isn't this a gift with conditions? Surely a gift is a gift? You'd be happy if it was for a bigger purchase but not to go on bills? I mean I fully understand I wouldn't want to be paying anyones bills, but I'd also feel sad that they were having to use birthday money for bills because people are currently struggling. I'd never dream of thinking wait I'm going to get you a bottle of perfume instead so you don't pay your gas bill with my money.

rainyskylight · 24/02/2023 13:26

I see no problem with this.

I absolutely do not understand not wanting to give cash gifts if they are to be spent on bills, and preferring to give a personal gift.

The recipient then enjoys their nice new cardigan/plant/whatever, but then eats toast for dinner every night and stays up at night worrying about the heating bill.

Zola1 · 24/02/2023 13:33

Fine in my family, my Dad will sometimes say he would rather give me vouchers etc though so I don't spend it on children

Skyeheather · 24/02/2023 14:03

I decided to stop asking for money because I end up spending it on the kids and getting nothing for myself. I put it in the bank for "when I see something I like", then one of the kids needs something and I'm a bit hard up so I think "oh I'll just use the birthday money." One year I spent my money on a pushchair and another on a baby carrier. My friend spent her money one birthday on a Jumperoo.

Nothing wrong with asking for money but make sure you spend it on yourself.

MIL, DP and DM always ask what I want and were always happy to give me cash before I decided to ask for some things that I would like!

Bubblebubblebah · 24/02/2023 14:06

We get small present and cash in my family. It works well if you have an eye on bigger item for example.

They might be bit concerned if you need that money to cover bills though.

Aprilx · 24/02/2023 14:06

I would be very unimpressed with a relative in their 30s asking for money for a birthday present. I think money gifts are for children and teenagers and even then I don’t expect to be asked.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/02/2023 14:07

As long as they usually get you a present, but tbh I’ve never understood getting adults presents.

Original poster
mnnewbie12 · 24/02/2023 14:08

Aprilx · 24/02/2023 14:06

I would be very unimpressed with a relative in their 30s asking for money for a birthday present. I think money gifts are for children and teenagers and even then I don’t expect to be asked.

I'd never ask. It's only if they ask me what I'd like (and for this mat leave Year only)...

OP posts:
Luoisa · 24/02/2023 14:11

Aprilx · 24/02/2023 14:06

I would be very unimpressed with a relative in their 30s asking for money for a birthday present. I think money gifts are for children and teenagers and even then I don’t expect to be asked.

OP clearly said they ask her what she wants, in return she was wondering to ask for money. So if you asked someone what they wanted, they have to say anything but money?

Movingsoon21 · 24/02/2023 14:16

Fine in my family

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/02/2023 14:18

If they’re not keen on cash, can you think of vouchers that would be useful and you’d spend on yourself? EG for a coffee shop or clothes shop?

Mrsjayy · 24/02/2023 14:23

mnnewbie12 · 24/02/2023 13:04

Honest opinions please.

I am in my 30s and on MAT leave. Pay is now at it lowest on SMP and so I was hoping to ask for money from family for my birthday, rather than a present. Is this an odd thing to do? I've not asked before.

No its not to say you'd like cash you can wrap it up as " oh I'm not sure maybe cash then I can buy myself something.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/02/2023 14:51

Would vouchers be a happy medium- to put towards say the food shop?

BarbaraofSeville · 24/02/2023 15:05

Do you have something in mind that you'd spend the money on?

If so, you could ask for the item, or a voucher so you could buy it yourself.

But it depends on your family dynamic. Some people genuinely want you to feel like you've had a treat, so would be perfectly happy if you asked for cash just so you could go shopping and choose and buy yourself something without worrying about where the money came from.

Others get themselves tied up in all sorts of weird and illogical dilemmas about social norms, forgetting that one persons treasure is another's pointless trash and that you should be grateful that they've put the effort into choosing a present for you, whether the actual item is something that you like or not.