to want my DS to be invited on more playdates (long - sorry)

[notalone]

My DS is 6 and an only child so he craves company his own age. However although I have invited plenty of kids round for playdates, the favour is rarely returned. Now I realised there is no obligation for this to happen but when I see DS's hurt face when he realises he hasn't been invited back it breaks my heart.

Bit of background. If I am honest Ds does have a tendency to be a bit excitable when he is going into school or coming out of school as he loves being around other kids. I guess if I wasn't his mum perhaps I may be a bit reluctant to invite him too. However, what the other parents don't know is that he is actually really well behaved when he is at other peoples houses. Whenever he has been on a rare playdate to someones house the parents have always commented and said that he was actually the best behaved and most polite child they have had to play so far. My friend in Brighton who we often stay with when we are down, jokes that I must either be very good at bribery or must drug him as that he how good he is, but other parents just don't seem to want to give him the chance and I don't know how to bring it up without sounding precious.

The last two playdates at our house have not been reciprocated and I feel on these occasions they really should have been. The first was with boy A in his class whos mum had recently given birth. I offered to have her DS and also her younger DD for the day to give her some time with her newborn DS and to get some sleep. The invite didn't come back which was fine as I knew it was probably because she was knackered. However since then she has invited at least two other boys over to theirs and DS always asks why he can't go too. The last was with boy B who came over after school. He was supposed to be picked up at 6pm but his mum called at 6pm to say she was out with a couple of friends and was really enjoying herself - could she pick him up at 8pm instead. I told her of course and offered to give her DS a bath with mine and lend him some PJ's to go home in so he could literally go straight to bed when he got in. She said that would be lovely and thanks so that is what I did. DS asks almost every day if he can go to Boy B's house and again I have to say no as the invite just hasn't come back.

I am starting full time work in 2 weeks so that will be the end of playdates from my end and I feel a bit sad that he may not have anymore at all if no-one will invite him to theirs.

Sorry this is so long and I applaud you for getting this far if you have. I just don't want Ds to be sad about not being invited to play anymore

I know exactly how you feel. I am for ever inviting dds' friends round, feeding them, entertaining them, sleepovers etc ( they are aged 9 and 11)They get very few invites back and like your ds are very well behaved and easy to please.

One of dd2's friends has been round to play 14 times (including 2 sleepovers) without an invite back.

IMO it's just down right rude not to reciprocate. (which is obviously possible if other dcs have been invited round to said friend's house.)
Not sure what the answer is short of asking or asking for a favour in return.
If he enjoys other kids company, perhaps you could encourage him to join some after school activities (if your child care allows)or something at the weekend if this is not possible.

dd never gets invited. She's 4 and goes to mainstream school. in a wheelchair and can't talk so guess she's not considered good 'playdate' material but she is starting to notice

well, I totally see your point about those last two playdates, anyone with any sense of courtesy would have returned them.....I can see that the lady with the newborn might take some time to return it but it would still be polite to do so!

I have experienced the same thing exactly, people don't see it as an obligation to return the dates. I have had a couple of people return the invite to us though so it DOES happen, but most of the time it doesn't.

I wouldn't let it seem too big to your ds though....if you weren't going to work you could just keep inviting boys over to you and just forget the invitation back; just say to ds not everyone wants to do playdates, or has the room, etc etc etc.

I think you should just take the pressure off yourself now. You've done all you can to promote things for your ds....just wait a little longer and when he's older he may have a close friend who he wants to spend time with out of school. Or he may not - I think either is fine, he gets lots of social time at school after all.

for you and ds. Some people can be pretty thoughtless. Cant you find a way to bring it up in conversation with the other boy's parents? It's a toughie though and you have my sympathies, those maternal protective feelings are soooo strong arent they

Thanks Smartiejake. Was getting a bit worried as I posted quickly after letting it all out and was half expecting a flurry of replies going "YABU - you don't invite to get invited back" etc. I just don't like seeing DS looking hurt and sad. He goes to music club on a Tuesday, swimming on Fridays and has recently joined a drama group too which he loves and our CM has already said she is happy to carry on taking him to these, so maybe this will be enough for him.

Bless you, my little one is only 6 month old but did not want to read and run. In my day we just played in the street with other kids I have a lot to learn with this play date stuff lol. But trying to be helpful what about getting him into clubs instead like swimming, football sport is such a great way for kids to make friends and spend time together I think maybe he just hasnt found his right friends yet there is probably another boy out there feeling the same.

Sorry - posts crossed again! Its not as bad when its just us who notice but as needmorecoffee said, its when they start to notice that makes it so sad. DS has 2 last playdates this week, a girl is coming over on Tues then next Sat myself and a friend are taking DS and another girl to the theatre to see the BFG. These 2 girls parents have both returned the favour before so hopefully he will get more with them. I actually get on really well with both mums of the last two boys I had over but just don't know how to broach the subject and time is ticking now!

I saw this just as I clicked on another thread and I thought you wanted your dog invited on more play dates!

Now I havr read your post I feel sorry for your little boy. he sound slovely and if you live near me he can come to ours!

oh notalone that is just downright rude. How horrible for you.

I think most mums have experienced an unreciprocated playdate and it urks.

I would approach boy B's mum and tell her that you need a favour. Would she look after ds for a couple of hours after school as you are needed somewhere/anywhere.

I would invite a wide range of friends from school, even the boys ds rarely mentions. Ask them round. You're bound to get at least one return.

ROFL Nab3 - no dog but I do have a smelly hamster whom I would love to go on playdates. Maybe DS's room may smell a bit better then!!

Am in Yorkshire - you are probably in Cornwall or Scotland!!

Thats a great idea Joan - wish I had thought of it sooner. Am going back to full time work in a couple of weeks though so won't be at the school gates anymore nor will be able to have afternoon playdates either

swap numbers with some of the mums before you go back to work. Say it's so you can arrange some things to do on the odd weekend or day off during the holidays. You never know when you may be able to squeeze a playdate in and you'll have the contacts all ready.

I tell you, I've gone from being such a shy person to an assertive, sometimes pushy one since my children started school. The thought of them 'friendless' fills me with horror. So I do all this, arrange days out, playdates, afternoons at the park etc. Some may think I'm a right pain in the arse, but I don't care. It's working. Dd's have a good range of friends (though it is me who does the bulk of the playdates but so be it!)

Also, clubs away from school are good I think. Friends away from school is important too. Good luck

Thats another good idea Joan - will definitely do that as I won't be working at weekends so could arrange things for DS then. You sound very useful actually - could you come to DS's school with me and be his social secretary??!!

I could, I really could. Two years of my dd being at school and I'm really rather good!

I started off slow but once you get your momentum going, they'll be no stopping you I promise.

would stress that you shouldn't take it personally if your ds doesn't get an invite back. If ds wants them round again, ok, but if he's not bothered leave it and don't ask again. Some mums I know just don't bother about playdates. Their attitude is that if their dc gets invited, fine. But it doesn't mean that they're going to return the favour - and fair enough I suppose. Though I couldn't be so brazen.

If you don't let it bother you, it won't bother your ds (who sounds lovely btw).

I could be really out of order, and absolutely no criticism of OP intended, but having read a few threads on playdates, I don't get it.

When I was little, I was occasionally invited to a friends for tea. And vice versa. Mostly we played informally after school, no big arrangements made just random going back to a friends for an hour - with a phone call to check it was ok (and no, my mum wasn't making arrangements on my behalf without me realising it, she really didn't have the time and just wasn't like that). My parents, and my friend's parents, seemed to have better things to do, like working, and being adults, to organise the social lives of a bunch of kids. If we were ever upset that someone didn't want to include us, Mum/Dad would just say, "never mind, play with so and so instead" or "if she doesn't want to be friends with you, you don't want to be friends with her" and that was that. I assumed that this was still the case but I clearly have much to learn (DS is nearly a year).

Please don't flame me, honestly not attacking just really surprised.

Georgiemama I have the same sort of memories, but I think it's different these days. Kids don't play out in the street, and children are often collected from school by childminders or go to afterschool club, so there's less opportunity for that impromptu get together. I think we're also more determined to make playdates for our children - I don't recall playing with many people when I was six, but really like to arrange them for DS.

Notalone, don't despair. It will get better, and I know just where you're coming from. I often do notes in bookbags so that parents have my number and the offer of a playdate. And if a return visit isn't offered, I get DS to ask the parent directly, well why shouldn't he? Politely of course "hello, can I come and play with your DS at weekend?" Or get his mate to ask.

Joan - thanks for that about my Ds . I guess I need to be a little less sensitive about the whole thing. He does get sad but its quickly forgotten - its me who dwells on it an gets upset on his behalf.

Georgiemama - its a fair point but it is different these days. I am sure DS won't be traumatised by this when he is older but I want to be able to say on the off chance that he is, that I did everything in my power that I possibly could. My parents rarely did play dates at my house and we lived on a supposedly "exclusive" street with no playing out, so I do remember how I felt about not often having other kids to play with outside of school and it made me feel very and a bit lonely too.

Peaches - DS does - he is brazen and has no shame lol. Boy B's mother always says "Oh notalones DS, of course, we MUST arrange something, we will soon I promise" then to me goes "God I am so busy lately but soon I will have him over" and I just can't push the issue any further so that is as far as it goes sadly

Well I am just going to try being brazen about it too, not that DS's friends wont be welcome in my house when he is older because they will be, but I don't want to be his social secretary. I would do anything for him but I won't organise a diary for a six year old.

I'll let you know in 5 years whether I've cracked

Notalone, thanks for taking my comment in the way it was intended, ie not a knock at you, sorry it is upsetting you and your child. If you can stand to, I would just keep inviting. I suppose the reason my parents never arranged stuff was because ours was the friendly house where kids were always welcome, maybe your house is like that too. If its any consolation all my friends adored my mum and thought she rocked.

Notalone - I really feel for you and your your little boy.

My DS is in reception, and I have been inviting lots of his friends round after school. But I don't pursue the return invite because DS has a lot of difficulties with food and I just don't want to get into explaining all of that to a stranger. Think I have read too many threads on here with people complaining about fussy guests and have the fear of somebody whingeing about my son like that.

My experience is that most people will eventually return the invitation, but it might take weeks or months. But if you're not quite proactive in setting it up then it's less likely to happen. Most people will have more than one child to sort out, and it can get a bit hectic sorting their various social lives out. And some people just don't like having other kids back for all sorts of reasons - my friend told me she doesn't like having other kids round because her son is usually too naughty when guests are there.

Maybe you just need to be a bit more proactive about arranging the return visit, so if somebody gives you a vague 'you must come round to ours some time', just say 'ok, how about next Thursday?' and get it arranged ASAP

I think perhaps as Monkeymagic suggested I do need to be a bit more proactive about return visits. I only have a week to crack this as its currently half term but I think I will try and get phone numbers and suggest weekend get togethers etc.

Cat64 - I appreciate arranging stuff isn't always easy with more than one dc and work too, but I do wish things were a bit more equal. I know its not like a tit for tat thing and I know kids change their friends more often than their socks but its just hard when I see that DS is hurt by it. When he went to a friends house a while back he came home with such a grin and said it had been one of the best afternoons of his life bless him, and I know he would be so happy to get more invites back.

Georgiemama - let me know if you do crack!!

Well, I am in Kent so it is still too far!