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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DP ex bad mouthing me to kids?

22 replies

Shawaddywaddeee · 24/02/2023 10:53

There's been a few instances which make me think this could be possible (too much to go into)

I originally got on really well with DSD (she's 8) we have her 50% of the time so I spend a lot of time with her.

Recently though she's changed towards me.
My partner and his ex had a big fall out and it's kinda changed since then.

She's come out with things like..

"you and (my teenage daughter) are not my family"
"You're not my step mum you're my dad's partner"
"You're a YES mum"
(Which apparently means I say yes to everything which isn't the case I'm just quite easy going and pick my battles)

Now I have never pushed the whole step mum title thing.
She's never called me her step mum.
Although I live with DP, we're not married and I think things like that need to happen naturally, led by the kids if ever.
I am her dad's partner and I'm not trying to play mum.
But I do do a lot for her as we have her so much so it does hurt slightly she seems to have changed towards me.

But what I'm really wondering is if these are terminologies an 8 yr old would suddenly start using of her own accord?

Plus her and my daughter used to jokingly call each other step sisters but now she says we're not family.

I'm just ignoring it but I'm worried there is a bit of sabotaging going on and it's going to ruin our relationship
:(

Thoughts? And how would you manage the situation?
X

OP posts:

Eastereggsboxedupready · 24/02/2023 10:56

Maybe step back. Give her a chance to see what you actually did add to her life...
But being told not to be rude is a must. And told by you. As the adult you need say you won't be spoken to like that.

Solittletimeforwine · 24/02/2023 10:59

It sounds like she’s struggling. I’d not make this about you or even make it worse by chastising as the first poster was keen to suggest. Instead I think your husband needs to talk to her. Spend some quality time 1 on 1 and try to get to the bottom of this.

she is very young and if she’s having issues from her mother, or is confused , struggling then it’s on him to try to understand better.

Solittletimeforwine · 24/02/2023 11:00

Eastereggsboxedupready · 24/02/2023 10:56

This is just awful . It’s actually cruel. Step back. Let her see you’re doing nothing for her, and give her into trouble too.

no wonder so many dysfunctional relationships about when people treat young kids struggling like this.

Original poster

Shawaddywaddeee · 24/02/2023 11:04

Yes me and my partner have both said we're going to carry on as normal and he's going to have more 1 on 1 time with her x
Do you think he should cautiously probe or just leave it?

But do you think this has come from the ex?
I suppose I'm just trying to work out where she's suddenly got these things from? X

OP posts:

PeekAtYou · 24/02/2023 11:07

Playing devil's advocate here but
Is her dad stricter than you?

"You're not my stepmum" is something that could be from tv/film?

Is it possible that she has overheard discussion about the falling out/situation and is repeating it?

Yabu to expect her to be grateful for all you do. She's a child. If you are doing too much then you need to talk to your partner and explain what you can't/won't do. You are helping your partner rather than sd really.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/02/2023 11:08

I wouldn’t probe. I’d ignore it as much as possible, just carry on as you were.

If anyone says or asks anything it should be your DP.

PeekAtYou · 24/02/2023 11:08

I agree with the others that you need to do less and your partner needs to do more. If she's insecure about things then she will need dad more.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/02/2023 11:09

Could be from tv etc I guess.

Kids also just push against boundaries. So she might be just reassuring herself that you are there for her, won’t be scared off by this etc

So the worst thing you could do, I think, is back off from doing things for her.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/02/2023 11:10

Yes Dad should be doing the bulk of it anyway, but she shouldn’t be left thinking “oh have I upset her”.

Original poster

Shawaddywaddeee · 24/02/2023 11:13

He does bulk of childcare and I do bulk of home making etc which suits us both

They have a very close bond which is lovely

This is more about how she is being with me

OP posts:

Eastereggsboxedupready · 24/02/2023 11:20

Step back and let the df parent his dc. Why should op leave herself open for criticism? Her dp should be the dsd main carer. Op should carry no feelings of responsibility surely?

lookluv · 24/02/2023 11:39

She is growing up - understanding her world, relationships in it, testing boundaries.
We expect a lot of DC in blended families - they have to accept the situation, do not get a say and we expect them to like it. They form opinions, they have likes and dislikes and they are allowed to express them.

Being rude - no. Only one of those comments is rude - the rest are facts.

She will know mum and dad had a falling out and she will form an opinion on the rights and wrongs of what happened.

PumpkinDart · 24/02/2023 11:44

I had similar with my step child, I know for a fact it was their mother as we've all seen/ heard it. I'd just calmly tell her she's being rude and that you don't mind that you aren't officially her step mother or what label she wants to give you but that won't change the fact that you love her very much. I did more 1:1 with my step child when things got rocky and that definitely helped. I wouldn't pull back the relationship, she's 8 that's still young and she's likely confused if one of her key relationships has a negative view of a relationship she considered to be a good one. Just stay constant and make sure your partner is supportive and doesn't let the rudeness become an accepted thing.

laroisenoire123 · 24/02/2023 11:50

I would not tell her that she is being rude.
She is 8 years old and trying to figure out why her world fell apart and all these different relationships. Even as a adult, we cannot understand relationships.

Be more sympathetic. When she says those things, just say " I can be your friend. Would you. like that ? we can do some fun things together. How about......."

and she is worried that you will replace her mother.

maddy68 · 24/02/2023 11:57

It's very hard for a parent to be partly being brought up by another mum. She probably has said some of those things but she will also be rebelling and learning about her family situation with other kids at school who are in similar situations.

Kids are cruel , step parenting is thankless

Vastula · 24/02/2023 12:21

She might have got it from TV or a friend but as it’s started since her parents had a big fight, yes, it’s probably come from things she’s heard from her mum or overheard during arguments.

What was the fight about? She probably feels her loyalties are divided and it’s easy to take it out on you than her parents.

I’d be consistent, not accept rudeness and continue as you are.

Pardon44 · 24/02/2023 12:23

I wouldn't probe. What would be the benifit? You can't stop her mum talking shit. Don't take it personally. In all honesty it will probably get worse in the teenage years. Kids are brutal. I would never be a step parent again. It's hard, thankless and your always having to tread a fine line and not oversteping boundaries but not being treated like a dick. Challenge rude comments but factual ones agree with.

"you and (my teenage daughter) are not my family"
Your right we are not related but families all look different.

"You're not my step mum you're my dad's partner"
Your right. I'm not your step mum because me and your dad aren't married.

"You're a YES mum"
I think you are being rude. I don't appreciate you commenting on my parenting.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/02/2023 12:31

It does sound like it

I'd gently question her. Not in an aggressive way more like she says you're not my step mum' you say 'yes I guess you're right as I'm not married to your dad, but what difference do you think it makes to the relationship between you and me and how I feel about you? I still love / care about you, do you think that would change if I married your dad? Why do you think it's important to keep mentioning it?'

NewNameNigel · 24/02/2023 12:31

You might get a bit more insight on this if you pop it on the step parenting forum op.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/02/2023 12:32

Becsydr you cant stop her mum saying this stuff but you can give her the skills to question it

aSofaNearYou · 24/02/2023 12:57

I would say she's almost certainly getting those phrases from her mum, yes.

She just needs gently reminding not to be unkind when she says things like this, it's not a huge deal but it's mildly rude and I don't think you need to say nothing as some suggest. Yes it's fine for her to think these things, have likes and dislikes etc but I don't agree with people that say we don't need to teach kids when it is and isn't nice to express those feelings to people. For example, my 4 year old often tells me she loves me more than her daddy, and things like that. I don't give her a bollocking but I do tell her it can hurt people's feelings to say things like that and she doesn't need to rank the people she loves. Tact is a learned skill.

Original poster

Shawaddywaddeee · 24/02/2023 13:36

Thanks for all the replies x
I Def wouldn't tell her off for such comments
I don't really see it coming from her as it's such a sudden change in behaviour.

I did say she was correct I am not her step mum as me and her dad aren't married.

And I said I'm not a "yes mum" I'm just a mum who only says no when need be and she's such a good girl I never really need to say no and that's just the truth
But I did say if I needed to I would say no x

OP posts:

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