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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My cleaner wants to bring her 7yo son

23 replies

blindmelon123 · 23/02/2023 20:37

AIBU that Im finding it increasingly inconvenient for my cleaner to bring her 7yo son to our house when she cleans? She’s Ukrainian and came to the U.K. six months ago, at first she said it was just a one off as he was about to start school, so I said yes without hesitation - I wanted to be kind and as a mum I totally understand the juggle with childcare. I also didn’t appreciate the reality until he had been a few times.

It’s usually limited to school holidays but it’s happened about 7/8 times now in only a few months of cleaning for us and she has asked again to bring him tomorrow and I have no idea why as half term was last week (and he came then). Maybe he’s sick in which case I definitely don’t want him to come.

I have two toddler boys who he doesn’t play well with and he gets all of my 3yo sons toys out, pieces are lost or misplaced, it really upsets my 3yo who understandably doesn’t want to share his toys at home although I have tried to encourage that. I have to then sort his toys out once she’s left and hunt around the house for various parts, a job I don’t have time for.

It also means I can’t be in the house whilst she’s here as he plays rough with my son and it’s really hard to watch them both whilst also looking after my one year old who needs all eyes as he’s quite accident prone.

She doesn’t speak English (nor does her son) so language is an issue when it comes to addressing it with her - I’ve tried asking her if he can just play with the duplo for example, which can’t be broken and my son doesn’t care much about, but it didn’t work and he ended up getting everything out and breaking a toy. I also asked her if she could ensure he doesn’t move toys around the house but again the message doesn’t seem to have got through because it still happens each time, I dont think she realises what he’s doing as she’s busy cleaning.

What would you do?! I don't want to be unkind and if I say no to him coming she won’t be able to clean for us during those times because I don’t think she has childcare, she’s otherwise a very good cleaner and I feel awful telling her she can’t bring him as I know how I’d feel in that situation. But equally I’ve never considered taking my child to my office job - AIBU?!😵‍💫

OP posts:

oneproudmumma · 23/02/2023 20:39

YANBU! I wouldn't put up with that set up. Cleaners are meant to make your life easier not more stressful. I'd find another cleaner.

AHelpfulHand · 23/02/2023 20:40

When I was looking for a cleaner years ago, one applicant asked if she could bring her child during school hols.

I didn’t even give her an interview as I didn’t want to start that.

I would just say that it’s very stressful for your children to have other child playing with their toys, and it’s not worth the hassle for you.

if it’s a problem for her, I would just find someone else

itsgettingweird · 23/02/2023 20:42

It's a tough one.

Tbh I'm wondering how she managed to get much cleaning done with 2 toddlers and you in the house anyway!

Maybe suggest she comes another time when he's not with her? Or give her details of holiday clubs a for holidays? Council run ones are cheaper and I'm assuming she gets UC or similar and so she can claim costs towards it?

Or lay down some rules. He can come but he has to sit at dining table with a tablet or something?

I understand your dilemma - you don't want to stop her income but it's not working currently so you'll need to decide where your line is and what compromises you are willing to make (if any).

Feel for you though when your torn between heart and head.

GreenWheat · 23/02/2023 20:45

It would be a no from me. Fine as a one-off but not as a habit, as this has become.

SettingPrecedents · 23/02/2023 20:45

Not unreasonable! I’d be happy for him to come in the holidays and sit and watch TV or something, but not what you describe.

For what you can do about it. You could write a proper explanation and say that he can only come if he doesn’t get toys out, or that you don’t want him coming at all and get it translated? Or have you got any local drop in groups? Presumably there’s some kind of go between who helped you set up the arrangement - can they help to translate?

Elfandwellbeing · 23/02/2023 20:45

I would not accept that. It’s more hassle than it’s worth.

watchfulwishes · 23/02/2023 20:46

Oh help. I'd probably put up with it due to her circs but I'm a soft touch.

ShyMaryEllen · 23/02/2023 20:48

Over the years I've had a couple of cleaners who have brought children and it just doesn't work. It is tricky when the arrangement has been made, but there are so many ways in which it goes wrong. The child breaks something, the mum needs to look after him instead of doing the cleaning, your children want their space, or don't want to share their things with a stranger, you want a bit of peace, it just goes on. Also, the child probably hates it too.

How do you communicate if she doesn't speak English? Assuming you can make her understand, could you tell her that your insurance only covers people who are doing work in your house, which doesn't cover her child? Or it would be better if you could just say straight up that you would prefer to stick to the original arrangement which was that she would come without him.

fluffylampbear · 23/02/2023 20:50

I would have him sit quietly on his own away from your kids and watch tv or something. Why does he need to be in the same room as them? Do you have somewhere he can sit e.g. kitchen table?

EmmaDilemma5 · 23/02/2023 20:54

I think maybe there's some middle ground. Can you just have your house cleaned term time? (And say no to son during term?)

The odd week or two without a cleaner is fine (I do 52 wks a year without one).

Ultimately though, you wouldn't be unreasonable to say no and give notice if it's a deal breaker for you. Maybe try saying no and see what she does, she may have someone who can watch him if push comes to shove?

ssd · 23/02/2023 20:54

My mum was a cleaner and used to take me. I spent the time going on walks as the house was remote or i petted the cats and dogs. Anything else would have got in the homeowners way and i would have been a pest.
You must do whats right for you.

Annabananna1 · 23/02/2023 20:54

Hm. I wouldn't mind at all if he was well behaved / occupied himself. But this doesn't sound good. Not sure where you go from here other than telling her it doesn't work with her bringing her child, but you're gunna sound like a knob.

AnotherDelphinium · 23/02/2023 20:57

YANBU.

If he’s been in school for six months he’ll have a pretty good grasp of English by now, so maybe talk directly to him rather than his mother?

Can you put something suitable on TV? Like a movie? That might work well for a seven-year-old.

I’ve noticed that culturally Ukrainians seem to take the “it takes a village“ quote much more literally than here, and are very happy to leave younger children unattended or with slightly older children, so it may be a cultural difference too.

JessePinkmansgirl · 23/02/2023 21:00

I wouldn't have a problem with it if he wasn't a pain in the arse but it sounds like he is.

Just say he can come but needs to watch tv/play on an iPad. Failing that just change the date as to when he's at school.

How old is he?

Smithstreet · 23/02/2023 21:01

My cleaner brings her kids in the holidays. They sit and watch TV or play on their tablets, they do not play with my kids toys. I would never know they had been there when I get in, and my cleaner is just as thorough as when its term time. So I dont mind kids coming, but what you describe would not work for me.

2023willbemyyear · 23/02/2023 21:04

Dies she have a host through the homes for ukraine scheme that you could get to talk to her about it?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 23/02/2023 21:04

YANBU I'd just say "we can rebook to a day he's in school."

Everyotherone · 23/02/2023 21:07

You could use google translate to speak to her.

Swiftswatch · 23/02/2023 21:08

If it doesn’t suit you to have her son with her then just say.

I can’t imagine how she can do a good job around you snd 2 toddlers though.

WeCome1 · 23/02/2023 21:10

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 23/02/2023 21:04

YANBU I'd just say "we can rebook to a day he's in school."

Yeah. Is next week because of strikes?

AffIt · 23/02/2023 21:14

Our former cleaner asked (very nicely) if she could bring her daughter with her during school hols, as she was a single parent.

Child was a delight and very fond of animals and had a lovely time playing with our ridiculously needy house cats so her mum could get on with her job (she was a very good cleaner).

Was all fine: mum happy, us happy, daughter happy, cats very happy with the extra Dreamies!

This is different, though: do you have any nearby charities or community organisations with Ukrainian / Russian speakers who could help out?

ButterCrackers · 23/02/2023 21:18

Get another cleaner and say from the start no bringing a child along to your house. This cleaner must know that her son is a hassle to you and your kids but doesn’t care.

Zippidydoda · 23/02/2023 21:21

Just say you’d prefer to reschedule or miss the weeks clean. It hardly makes sense to let her keep bringing him if he makes the house messy while she cleans.

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