My elderly family member appointed their adult child as attorney for health and finance, which could be activated even with capacity 15 years ago. Since then, the donor has been widowed and the adult child has been increasingly frustrated by their lifestyle - wanting them to prepare better for older age, save money, move to a better accommodation etc. The elderly family member has resisted this, and wants to do things their way. Last year, the elderly relative agreed for the power of attorney to be activated as they were becoming more frail with some memory problems. The attorney then found out about changes the relative had made to their will and how they had been spending their money, and got angry with the relative as felt these decisions were unfair on them and wrong. They both have short fuses, said they didn't want to see each other again, and haven't spoken since.
Since this time, I have taken up some caring responsibilities for the elderly relative, including helping them sort out a care package so they can remain in their home. The attorney/adult child initially ignored the situation, but when I said that their actions were not helpful (partly as I worked full-time and they are retired) they said they would 'act professionally and less emotionally' in their role as attorney.
In the past month, the attorney has provided the information as needed for social services, which has been helpful. But they have also continued to raise concerns about how the relative is spending their money. Some of this is justified, as the relative was giving large gifts that they can no longer afford with their contributions to a package of care. With some careful discussion with me, the relative has now taken this on board is not planning to do any further. They have also agreed to be more cautious about their online shopping, which can be excessive (as they forget what they've bought), although the attorney continues to be concerned about this and keeps updating me on their outgoings and wanting me to mediate.
The elderly relative is not fully aware the adult child is still acting in the attorney role. If asked, I think they will want them removed as they will say that the attorney wants to tell them what to do and gets angry with them, and wants their money. We have a financial capacity assessment soon and I'm guessing this may come up. I've spoken to the adult child and asked they contact the donor to at least try to reassure them this is not their intention. They refuse to do this, saying that if the elderly relative does not want them as a donor they get them to give it up, and they'll have to appoint someone else (likely me). My view is we should at least try to reassure the donor and try to resolve the situation from when they had the falling out, but the attorney thinks this could be viewed as coercion. AIBU? What would you do in this situation?