To want Dh’s friend to just go away

[Thatlittledogwontstopbarking]

Dh has had a friend for around 20 years, they first worked together, then went to different workplaces, then worked together at the previous two places (Dh still in the second current workplace)
He’s not a bad person and we get on okay, but he’s very negative about life and not very ambitious or motivated. There are always issues/problems in him and his family (wife, 3 children) all financial etc and never being able to progress in life. I really feel for them but think a lot of people are struggling at the moment, as we have and sometimes it’s down to yourself and attitude. His wife (also a friend) is often texting Dh and saying how down his friend is and can he ring him etc. They recently moved away to try to progress and buy a house, but weren’t happy and have now moved back to live with his parents. They have no jobs etc and Dh has started going round to theirs again most nights, where they talk (moan, I imagine) and smoke a joint.
They’re decent people and he’s interesting and v intelligent, it’s just all so negative. Dh has admitted when he worked with him, it often brought him down, this guy was always complaining about the boss etc.
It’s obviously Dh’s choice to see him, but Aibu to wish he’d just sort of go away a bit?

Don’t know how to vote because it’s difficult to say. I get why you would prefer they have less contact but on the other hand, you don’t want to be overly controlling because you probably wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot and he was discouraging you from seeing your longstanding friends.

I think I would just look for an opportunity to say that it can be unhealthy being around all that negativity too often, in your opinion. And I’d also say you don’t want to hear about all their tales of woe secondhand from your DH.

Sorry, that’s really no help…

I do think his wife is BU trying to make your DH responsible for her DHs MH. If he is that depressed that she’s trying to guilt your DH into phoning him, the guy probably shouldn’t be smoking joints (that’s not likely to help with the MH) and he probably needs more help than your DH can give him. Just IMO…

@Peachy2005 You're right, that’s what’s I’ve done so far, but I see Dh becoming a bit more down, the more time he spends with him.
True, that I could start saying I’m not really interested in hearing about their problems 😬
It annoys me the wife messages to Dh to contact him etc, she can be quite persistent if Dh doesn’t reply (he’s often rubbish at texting people back) I mean at the time we have our own things going on, our own small Dd etc 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd be worried that he could maybe be suicidal and his wife is worried and trying to seek support and friendship for him. Could be completely wrong of course but there are so many times when someone kills themselves and the people around them are shocked and wish they'd seen it or done more to help. Not to minimise the impact on your DH and how hard it can be to be around negativity all the time but you just never really know how close to the edge someone might be.

@Peachy2005 Exactly! Posted the above before seeing your second comment. Or she should be talking with him 🤷🏻‍♀️We do have our own life and all
that comes with having a child etc. My Dh is a very nice person and the type likely to find it hard not to put a few boundaries up in this situation. She’s also always messaging to see if Dh can get him a job etc and ask the boss to have him back (he left on good terms, but Dh doesn’t think the boss wants to take him or anyone else on at the moment)
I just feel it’s all being too reliant on dh, are they taking the piss a bit?

Sounds like your DH has become a massive crutch for both his friend and his wife.

Ultimately you cant tell him who to be friends with but cut back on you spending anytime with them.

@HermioneHerman I don’t think it’s that, he’s always been like this, it’s his character, but seems to be worse lately. I just think it’s a lot to put on Dh and to me seems a two sided friendship. He’s already said how one of their friends from one workplace never really replies to him anymore etc and he blamed it on the wife. This guy was a great guy with a young family! Likely nothing more than growing apart

I think your DH will have to set some boundaries with this woman. Maybe you can help him with that.

Maybe next time she asks about the job thing, he should reply along the lines of: “please don’t ask me this again, it’s totally inappropriate“.

And then put together something to reply when she’s persistently texting your DH (which is also very inappropriate). Include the fact that he’s very busy with his own family and if she’s that worried, she needs to look at getting her DH some help, if he thinks that’s warranted.

This situation can be really damaging to your DH, I definitely agree.

Does your husband want him to go away? I find your op very difficult. And your subsequent posts. It’s like you’re talking about your child and their friend and not your husband and his,..

does your husband have additional needs or learning difficulties where he needs you to decide who he is friends with and how often he can see them?

@Solittletimeforwine Of course not. He decides which friends to see obviously as I do mine, I just think this friend puts a lot on him and it makes Dh more negative

Is that really it? You’ve a kid and he works. But he spends most evenings round his mates doing drugs?

@Solittletimeforwine I obviously don’t love that, he has one occasionally as doesn’t really drink, he doesn’t go drinking pints at the weekend etc, he does sports or this to relax

@Solittletimeforwine I don’t really understand what you’re saying?

Sorry I should have explained better. I’m saying is it not the amount of time he spends with his mate rather than you and his child, annoying you?

so is it really you think his friends sad circumstances are rhe issue, or is it you think he spends too much time there.

id be royally pissed off if I’d a young kid and my husband was round his mates most nights.

Does that man really not know the link between smoking weed and depression?

I think a frank chat with your husband is needed telling him exactly how you feel. If I'm getting it right, you feel they are draining and it's effectively impacting on your lives now. I would be pissed off if my DH was going round to his pals most nights and leaving me with DC. I don't know what else to say really apart from be honest and say his pal is a mood hoover and it's creeping into your relationship. Can you text the wife or do a face to face and request she backs off with the messaging? Say its intruding on your lives and really they both need to get off their arse and job hunt themselves, not rely on your DH getting him a job. Xx

Me too.

I would be seriously unimpressed.

OP, I certainly wouldn't be having any more children with a man whose priorities are elsewhere.

He has a wife and child yet is pouring his energies into this man and his family.

You sound very soft and too understanding, I know I wouldn't be.

Does he want to move in with them? Because I would be helping him pack.

He needs to cop on and you don't need this negativity in YOUR life.

Stop being so understanding, it will get you nowhere.

@Solittletimeforwine @WoofWoofBeachLife @billy1966 Its when Dd is in bed, we alternate nights and it’s sometimes on the nights I do Dds bedtimes
He was here alone for a bit when the wife and children moved first to live near her family, at that point Dh was going lots and it did piss me off! They’ve just come back (was hoping they’d stay) and he’s been going round again, but I’m hoping it will be much less as she’s there too…surely she doesn’t want him round most nights. It’s all odd to me

@determinedtomakethiswork He must do 🤷🏻‍♀️He’s never drank or smoked cigarettes but does use weed

You'd be unreasonable to dictate who OH can and can't be friends with but you're not doing that. You're reasonable to not get involved in this negativity your husband has chosen to be part of. That includes hearing him moan about their moaning It's also not unreasonable to put a limit on the amount of time your OH spends around their (parent's) home. Tbh going out 5 nights a week is a lot.
He needs to consider your feelings. He's being unfair. If his kaput was having a positive affect I'm sure you'd support him.

Sounds like in this case a problem shared is a problem doubled!

maybe the friends wife has a crush on your husband because he is reliable and shes tired of her depressed whingey man

shes using this drama as an excuse to keep contacting your husband and get him round the house