Platonic friendship or cheating?

[WhitePeonyLondon]

Hello! Apologies, as this is going to be long, but I feel it is necessary to provide some context…

On Friday my husband is going to central London for a rare occasion of meeting up with his colleagues for team lunch. He mentioned that likely he’ll be coming home late, because he might stay out with them for drinks in the evening.

I happened to oversee some messages where he was making plans to meet a woman on that day since he is going to be in central.

He knows I don’t particularly like that woman and he hasn’t mentioned to me his plans to meet her. They’ve known each other for over 10 years - he was courting her at the same time as me back in the days. He says she’s a friend. She’s been married long time, which was a big surprise to me when I found out, as by her behaviour with guys at work you would’ve never guessed :D

I still work with this woman at the same company, but the level of our interaction - if we see each other at the office we’ll only just say hi to each other in passing. I tried to talk to her before at various events at work, but it never really went well, I just feel like she really despises me for some reason…

Over the years my husband would meet up with her from time to time, every time away from home. To help break the ice and become family friends I suggested to him to invite her and her husband over to ours, but that never happens. Also, from their previous interaction I oversaw - she was suggesting to do something fun together just with him - ie going for a bike ride etc.

We have two little kids (4yo and 1.5yo). This “good friend” of his never saw the kids, never had any interest in them. That is just to say - if you’re truly just friends, wouldn’t you care to see your friends kids when they become a parent?

And talking about kids - on Friday I’ll be working from home and looking after our 2 little kids at the same time (that’s the only day they don’t go to nursery), which is not an easy feat…

My husband and I are going through some troubles in our marriage. In fact, we have started discussing if/how to separate… with kids this age and no family in this country to support us it won’t be easy. I’ve been the one trying to make things work and also developing lots of time and effort to working on myself, going through therapy.

AIBU for suspecting that there is some foul play? That their friendship is not just a platonic friendship? Should I mention anything to him today or just wait and see what will happen on Friday?

It’s definitely quite weird, especially as you two work together. Wouldn’t he be worried that she would randomly drop it into conversation with you? I know you two don’t like each other or talk but I feel like she’s purposefully say something to wind you up. Either that or she knows to keep their meet ups quiet.

I have male platonic friends, they don’t necessarily come to the house to meet my children because they are not family friends. I wouldn’t hide meet ups with them from dh though, I’d keep him in the loop of what we are going to do. We’ve gone to the cinema, mini golfing, out for dinner etc but there’s usually more people there and we do occasionally have our other half’s there too. I think the bike ride is a little too romance like.

It is bothering you so you need to speak to him. Explain you’ve seen the messages and you don’t like that he’s keeping this from you. He’s going out to meet team mates and told you he would be back late so he’s lying by not saying he’s also going to see her. I assume he wouldn’t go and meet her inbetween seeing his friends so either he sees her first or last.
Its an awkward one as I wouldn’t want to put my dh on the spot of cutting a friend out of his life but I know if he realised I felt really uncomfortable with one then he’d be open about the friendship with me.

Absolutely mention it!
Why wouldn't you?

He's kept it from you which possibly means he has something to hide.

You've already discussed separation, sounds like you might need to seriously consider this as an option.

You've never liked her, so why would she be talking to you at work other than a greeting, and why would she have come for dinner? I wouldn't, if someone's wife didn't like me for no reason.

If they've been friends for years, have met up previously, why now are you are you thinking he's having an affair with her?

Seems like this has been a long term affair,

@TootHole Did you miss the part where OP mentioned that her husband hasn’t discussed any plans of meeting said colleague? Or that she will be working from home and taking off two children by herself? Or even the part where OP said that she and her husband had discussed separating etc.? Clearly OP’s instincts are telling her that not everything is as it seems.

taking care of*

@WhitePeonyLondon, I don’t like the sound of this. Your H is lying by omission re his arranged secret meet-up with this OW, with whom he has a history. I would absolutely confront him asap.

Your marriage is on the line, so you are investing time and energy into your relationship and yourself. He, however, is damaging the marriage with his secrecy and dishonesty.

Something illicit is going on. OW is not ‘a friend of your marriage.’ She acts like she despises you and has rebuffed your attempts to reach out. Nevertheless, H dismisses your discomfort by participating in cozy 1:1 rendezvous with her. I agree with @Hiddenvoice that a bike ride sounds romantic and intimate. This would not be happening in my marriage. Are they messaging in between their dates?

@WhitePeonyLondon, you haven’t detailed your marital issues, but H’s current deception speaks volumes about his lack of commitment.

@WhitePeonyLondon, did you confront him?

It sounds like, at best, they have a flirty relationship/friendship that they wouldn't want partners to witness. It could 'just' be that they get an ego boost from the flirting, or could be something more. Either way I don't think it's very respectful to you, especially considering he didn't tell you he was planning to meet her. I hope you get some answers and a resolution.