Funeral

[ChangeMyNameChangeMyName2]

Name changed.

A former colleague died recently. She was in her 50s. She was ill for quite a long time. We got on well at work and socialised at the occasional work night out.

Her long term partner is a married man and they have been together for 20 plus years. He never left his wife and my colleague accepted that. She even got engaged to him despite the fact he still lives with his wife?! He obviously lived a double life as far as his wife is concerned.

I don't agree with affairs. I've never had one and hopefully my husband wouldn't have one either.

Regardless of this, I'm sure her partner must be upset at her death (how does he hide that at home)?

I'm going to the funeral but really don't know how to be towards her partner. I've met him briefly previously. As far as I'm aware he's met all her family and they just accepted he's married.

Do I just talk to him as if he is her long term fiancé and give him my condolences (and ignore the fact he has a wife and kids at home)?

I'd like to avoid him altogether because I feel awkward but that seems unkind?

Once the funeral is over I won't see him again!

This is a non issue for you
she was your colleague, not friend
her family already knew about the situation and are fine with it
she was happy with the arrangement , he was happy with the arrangement
it really is none of your business to be honest
you are going to the funeral to pay respects to her. You do not have to interact with him at all. You are going as a colleague not family member.
Pay your respects to your colleague and then leave

The funeral is to say goodbye to her as a colleague nothing else is your business

I would go and address conversations as comes up as I would normally do

You're paying your respects, so my advice would be to keep a respectful distance from the people who are actually grieving.

I think some of these initial responses are a little harsh. You are not 'just a colleague' you clearly consider her a friend too and I am sorry for your loss. I agree with the advice that you are there for her not him though. Especially as you will never need to see him again. I would go, pay my respects. Focus as much on your friend / colleague as possible. Acknowledge but don't go out of your way to interact or gush over her partner. Acknowledge and be respectful to other friends and family members. Take your leave when you feel appropriate. Don't create any drama which may detract from your friends commemoration. 💐