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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband a control freak or am I the problem?

31 replies

Milenacaldo · 22/02/2023 23:32

Please can anyone help or advise as I’m so lost as to what to do anymore with regards to my partner. He is controlling but he does it in such a covert manipulative way I didn’t actually realise I was being controlled until the last year. He has all these unspoken/unwritten rules made up and if me or the children don’t abide by it we are in the wrong.

One incident this evening made me lose it as I just quite simply had enough. He has this rule where our daughter can’t go on her phone until 7pm, that’s not the issue at hand although he just makes these decisions all the time without speaking to me regarding the children.

The problem caused tonight was apparently I didn’t adhere to the rule as I let her go on it to finish watching 10 minutes of a movie on Netflix we were watching earlier and her baby brother was watching something on the TV so I said she could have the phone to finish the movie. He comes charging down, questioning me in front of her “why is she on the phone?” I explained my thinking and he wasn’t listening and started saying no she can’t have the phone at all now! which in turn made her upset and she burst into tears so then he started shouting at her which I then told him to stop and I shouted out of frustration and apparently now he’s so angry at me that I shouted and he’s not talking to me or the children and is giving us all the silent treatment simply because he wants to always dictate how we live our lives and control such trivial things. He doesn’t care about the impact it’s having on the kids and I’m just so done. How is he able to twist things every time to make me look like the one who’s done something wrong and when I react to his controlling behaviour I am the issue??!!

OP posts:
LittleMG · 22/02/2023 23:38

No he should not be making unilateral decisions like that and enforcing his laws if you’ve not discussed it. Also, couldn’t he have just said on the quiet btw shouldn’t we get her off that phone for a bit? Etc… not shouting and being nasty, what a horrible atmosphere he’s creating. I wouldn’t like that either, it’s not even like it’s a family rule. YANBU he’s gaslighting you.

TheShellBeach · 22/02/2023 23:39

This is no way to live, OP. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I think it's time to split up. He sounds awful and quite scary.
What would you say to your daughter if she had a husband like this?

redastherose · 22/02/2023 23:41

You are not the issue and yes he is unreasonably controlling by the sound of it. If he is making up rules and you don't know what they are or why they've been made and he's not discussing any of this with before they are set then you're not in a partnership your in a dictatorship. Why would you want to live this way and why would you want to force your kids to live like this? Much better to leave and have a calm reasonable home some of the time for them rather than this 24/7.

Danneigh · 22/02/2023 23:42

Why has he made that rule up?

LittleMG · 22/02/2023 23:44

Danneigh · 22/02/2023 23:42

Why has he made that rule up?

Yes, I mean what is the purpose of this rule? If it was no phones after 7pm or no phones at the dinner table but he’s just making shit up to be in charge

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2023 23:50

That rule is really weird and controlling. Why can’t she have the phone before 7? Normally it’s no phones after x time, not before.

Wouldn’t you be upset at that age in her shoes if a baby was allowed to watch the television and you weren’t allowed to watch anything yourself?

Id want to get away from him asap

user1492757084 · 22/02/2023 23:55

Your husbands' silent treatment sounds over the top. And his shouting and anger should have been managed better by himself. He should have calmly reminded his daughter of the agreement between them. Is he quiet due to feeling very hurt and betrayed?
He sounds like he thought you both knew the phone rule and both made up the rule. If you had heard him make this rule for your daughter and decided to dismiss it then that undermines his parenting. Parents need to have each others'backs. Did you know of the phone restriction?
Phones are an issue with teenagers. You do need to discuss the reasonable rules and come to an agreement and both help your daughter adhere to them.
Screen and phone time is monitored by most parents.
Other rules also need to be clear and known and made by both of you together.
A serious and productive discussion needs to be had with paper and pen and at a calm time away from the kids. This is the only way you will be able to support each other. You deserve to be 50% part of the parenting team.
If the man is just an oaf seek out some counselling until he learns better manners with his own wife.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/02/2023 23:59

He is gaslighting and upsetting you all, and your children will thank you for getting them away from this dictating bully. You don't need them growing up in an unhappy, stress and anxiety inducing atmosphere - can you imagine how this will impact upon them, and their future relationships too? They need to feel safe and calm at home. & so do you. He is disrupting that.

It sounds as if he spoke at you as if your daughter wasn't even there. Why is "She" on the phone🙄. The nerve of him. Good for you for finally standing up for yourself. Well done. Absolutely don't put up with his shit any longer. Let him give you the silent treatment, sounds as if you're better off when he keeps his bloody big mouth shut.

Be careful though. Control freaks do not like to be thwarted.

Goodread1 · 23/02/2023 00:30

Narastistic personality disorder

Could be another personality disorder like schiopathic tendency one

Another's words control freak Arseholes types
Make Total shit Partners and same shit Husbands type too

BabyOnBoard90 · 23/02/2023 00:35

All sounds rather trivial tbh.

He's being unreasonable for sure.

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 23/02/2023 00:38

WTAF? This sounds absolutely horrendous and very typical of coercive control - you don't even realise that you're being controlled in the first place. You're definitely not the problem here and your husband sounds like he's way beyond being a control freak.

I have this horrible feeling that this is just the tip of the iceberg with regards to his controlling behaviour.

forageintheforest · 23/02/2023 12:06

It might help you to look at some other examples of this behaviour and share them on here if you want to. Its often one thing that makes people post and then the whole history comes tumbling out and the poster then realises with the help of MN, what the reality is. Of course this may not be that case at all for you but do think about what I have said.

Thoughtful2355 · 23/02/2023 12:19

He will find himself having kids who want nothing to do with him when they are older. I would have gone NC with a parent like that.

Baabaa75 · 18/04/2023 07:46

He won't change, decide whether you want to live like this or leave him 💐 he's an abusive twat by the sounds of it, my dad was the same. They only get worse not better x

onefinemess · 18/04/2023 07:56

Going against the grain here OP.

You knew about the 7pm rule, so presumably you were OK with it prior to this event, so by letting it slide, even for ten mins, you would have demonstrated inconsistent authority, and therefore undermined your partners authority also, never a good idea.

Agree to the rules beforehand and stick with them.

If you and your partner decided that watching an 18 cert movie wasn't allowed but your partner then let your child watch one you'd be pissed off.

Penguinsmum · 18/04/2023 07:58

You only have ONE life. This isn't a practice run. This is no way to live. You deserve a lot better.

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/04/2023 08:02

@onefinemess leaving aside that the rule was made up unilaterally, I disagree about undermining authority here. The op, as an adult, made a decision in the circumstances that she was dealing with. Yes, she could have said wait til the baby's programme is done but it might be into bedtime by then for a seven year old. I don't think it's bad parenting to allow exceptions if the reasons are well explained. There's a place for authority and discipline and there's a place for empathy and flexibility.

Xrays · 18/04/2023 08:07

How horrible. And what a ridiculous rule!

Bambooflowers · 18/04/2023 08:09

You married an angry controlling little wanker. You’ve three options.

ger Him out before any more damage is done to your kids.
sit him down and tell him straight it’s the last time or the above happens and mean it.
live like this for the rest of your life knowing rhe kids will grow and then run, and won’t forgive you either for staying with him.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 18/04/2023 08:15

@Milenacaldo has anything changed since you started the thread.?

Have you moved towards leaving the controlling nasty man?

SorePaw · 18/04/2023 08:16

@Milenacaldo

its not you

Thankfully you have now realised he's controlling you and the children.

it will make for a miserable life.

why is it ok for him to shout & not you?

giving the silent treatment to you is childish & horrible, but it's a whole other level to do it to the children

He's teaching your DD the HE and he alone is the authority in your house, the you have no authority... even if you had both agreed the 7pm no phones rule You are a parent, YOU are allowed to make exceptions to the rule (which may lead to nagging other days, but that's for you to deal with) HE does not have authority over you, but he's teaching both you & DD that he does. Is that what you want you DD to learn about relationships?

in a normal relationship (presuming you'd BOTH agreed to this rule) he'd have quietly asked you or her why she was on her phone before 7, and either one of you could have said that you/mummy had given her it to watch the last 10 minutes of a movie (while DS was watching his program in the TV, he'd have said 'oh ok what are you watching add, is it a good film?

not acted in the way he did.

you'll probably say you love him (that's able to E changed! He's a good Dad (he's not) etc etc

its your decision to make, but you really would be better to leave him before he does more damage to your children, especially DD. You have to see how he's damaging her & your relationship with her.

do not suggest therapy/counselling. Unless he's self motivated to go (and he's clearly not) it's just more time he's doing damage to YOU & your beautiful babies.

xx

unsync · 18/04/2023 08:53

This won't get better and will likely get worse, especially if you fight back. My ex was a sulker too - it's a very effective method of control.

You need to decide whether you are prepared for you and your children to continue living like this. He will not change. Your options are stay or go. I would recommend go. Life is so much better not living with a controlling, abusive husband. However, leaving and separation will be hard and he will most likely escalate when he realises he is losing control.

Please get help from your local Women's Aid.

gumball37 · 18/04/2023 09:06

All these women who have men who give them the silent treatment when they "get out of line".... fucking do it on purpose. Live your life and let him be silently fuming. Sounds like a win-win to me.

billy1966 · 18/04/2023 09:12

So you and your children are in a highly abusive controlling environment.

Call Womens aid today for confirmation of this.

Ask for support and advice.

The damage to your children will be huge.

You need to reach out to services to protect yourself and your children.

What exactly is your situation?

Home, work, finances, childrens ages, family and friends?

Topseyt123 · 18/04/2023 09:23

There's nothing unreasonable in you saying that DD could just watch the last ten minutes of her film.

I'm afraid you are married to a controlling wanker and need to get out or it will become a miserable existence for you and your children.

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