When someone helps, do they have automatic right to slag you off ?

[whatsyoname]

My mum is staying with me at the moment and I wonder who is the unreasonable one.

She's a very tidy person and has a habit of tidying and decluttering relatives houses.

I don't ask her to do this at my house, but sometimes she gets into it and then we end up doing some reorganising together.

In any case, she thinks our cupboards are not tidy enough. Especially my H's cupboard. She keeps slagging him off about how messy he is. She keeps going to his cupboard and coming back and having massive rants about how untidy he is. I tell her to just let it be and that she doesn't need to do anything about it. I don't ever tidy his stuff up. It's his problem and he needs to deal with it if his clothes are messed up. She gets in a massive huff about it. Then she slags off his desk and how he keeps the drawers in his desk, then his bedside table. I let it go and tell her to leave it.

She also said the kitchen cupboards were below par and we organised them together. She says a lot of stuff in a day and I don't react or I just tell her it's fine for us the way we keep it etc.

But today I responded a bit abrupt when she started accusing me of dropping the ball yet again on something she thinks we ought to fix in our house. I hadn't dropped the ball on this, the handyman is coming in a few days. Anyway, her tone is really quite harsh sometimes. Like she's telling me off for how I keep my home ( not good enough for her ). The other day I came home with a new toy for my DD and she completely lay into me about the fact that she already has too many toys. Again, I had to say something back because she had a massive go at me about it and I don't appreciate that in my own home. I can buy my DD whatever I like.

Anyway, any time I stand up for myself / tell her to just leave it and stop saying stuff, she turns it around on me and that she's just ' trying to teach and help ' and maybe if she repeats stuff I will finally change my ways. I'm completely gobsmacked she still wants to ' teach ' me stuff. She then sulks/ plays the victim and says she never criticised me and it's all in my head and that this is the thanks she gets for helping out.

It's very frustrating to deal with. I never ask her to actually help sort anything out in my house, she just kind of does it and says she can't just sit still when she sees there's stuff to be done. I stop her all the time doing stuff she wants to do in the house.

In any case, she does help. So the question is, if you accept the help, do you have to accept the criticism and slagging off too ?

No it doesn’t. But I wouldn’t consider pointing out that a cupboard is messy as “slagging off”. You’ve said it’s messy, she’s said it’s messy. It’s not “slagging” anyone. She sounds overbearing and you sound oversensitive. You both sound like very hard work.

No no that's not all she says though...

She'll come downstairs and be like ' how can you be like this ? What is wrong with you guys ? I could not live like this ! I just don't understand how you can live like this as adults ' etc.

Then half an hour later, she'll remember again and start again ' omg the desk drawers are such a mess. I don't get how you can live like this. Why would you not just tidy up and throw letters away straight away ? Everything gets on top of you. You have such a nice house. Why do can't you be more organised ? ' ... etc etc etc etc..

As above. She sounds overbearing and you sound oversensitive. She clearly compliments you too so it’s not intending to be rude or hurtful. I think she’s probably trying to help but is overbearing and invasive and difficult. But you sound disorganised and oversensitive and dramatic. You’re just incompatible, just ignore or say “I like it that way” on repeat.

I think that whilst you don't seem that afronted at your mother for going through your drawers (only the comments that come with it), she has no bloody right to go anyway near your husband's draws and cupboards and she should be firmly told as such.

Agree totally.

I have told her so many times to just leave it alone !!

I don’t think it’s too big a deal if you can just have a conversation along the lines of look mum, I really appreciate what you’re doing to help but please stop going on about us being messy as I’m doing the best I can, this is how we are and your comments are hurtful etc.

If she’s not adult enough to deal with that then you might have a problem on your hands.

I have tried that so many times and she just turns it back on me. She says she never said anything negative or criticised us at all. And then she gets offended and says it's the thanks she gets for helping out.. and that it's all in my head that she criticised.

Have a few choices to hand

'This isn't up for discussion'
'We've been through this before Mum, dh cupboards are his to do with as he pleases'
'I'm an adult, and this is my house'
'Let's agree to disagree Mum'

Hi Op
I would heavily drop a hint/joke about along lines of do you fancy becoming a professional house cleaner
You could set up a business

Be run ragged doing this and make some money 💰 too,

I agree.

She’s bloody rude. I’d be telling her to keep out of our cupboards and mind her own business!

Then you haven't told her clearly enough.

"This is the last time I will tell you. Stay out of my husband's stuff."

If it happens again then you should damn-well stop her coming into your home.

And I'm aware of my typos.

*Drawers

You're very very lucky your husband puts up with her touching his stuff.
My friends daughter split with her husband because of behaviour like this.

It's really not normal behaviour. I think you're a Saint to put up with her, I certainly wouldn't.

Do you mean she is going into your bedroom and going through your husband’s things? Even if you are happy for her to root through your belongings, your husband deserves his privacy. If she won’t stop, she cannot come to your home.

She sometimes does laundry and then puts it away and our drawers are messy so she sees that.

Not sure why she looked in bedside drawer. My H knows she's around and will look everywhere and judge. It kind of annoys him, but at the same time, she does help with some stuff so he just kind of puts up with it.

Hi @whatsyoname I think it’s a generational thing.
If you think about it, the majority of women up to the 1980’s stayed home as home makers and tidying and cleaning routines were the thing.

My own mum is like your’s but not with me - with my sister…who’s house is a mess much of the time and she actually does ask my parents for help with it, so that’s slightly different. Although my mum wouldn’t go through her SIL’s drawers! That’s a step too far.
If your mum is helping with laundry, surely she can just leave the fresh folded piles on the bed or somewhere.

I think if you tend to have a close relationship with your mum, she maybe doesn’t feel like she’s being anything other than helpful but there are perhaps a few subtle ways of working it so it alters the ways in which she ‘helps’.

You could also think of the things you’d really like her help with next time she comes and focus on those - earning she won’t have time to focus on the stuff you don’t want her doing.

You could also go out for lunch or do something non domestic related - just have a nice time out together ….taking that pressure off.