To be annoyed about meal plans with friends

[citygirl1961]

A group of close friends - six of us altogether including myself. Five of us have known each other for many years, one is a friend of one of the group whose been coming out with us for about five years now. She's a nice person but suddenly becoming a tad awkward. The friend of mine whom she is friends with is a good friend but has always been difficult when it comes to making arrangements, in particular with me, always wanting me to travel to her end of town to meet up and never wanting to meet half way. Her husband died last October so I have been cutting her some slack but she was always awkward before he got ill and she seems to fit in with others more than she does with me at the moment. That is an ongoing issue.

Now this is a pending issue and as I suffer with anxiety it gets to me more than just being annoyed. I get where I can't cope with it. Three of us in the group are arranging to meet up for a meal in March. I let it slip to the awkward friend 1 shall I call her, that something was being arranged, just in conversation. The next thing she texted the friend who is organising it to give her her and awkward friend 2's availability. The friend who is organising said she didn't mind and was going to extend the invitation to them anyway.

The thing is that the awkward duo have given two Saturdays in March that they will be able to make it. We are planning it for a Saturday. Some of the time they have other plans which is fair enough but two of the Saturdays they say they can't make because they are going away from the Monday to the Friday and don't have want to have to rush into town on the Saturdays when they've got to prepare for their holiday. Neither of them work by the way.

I myself am going away one week in March from Monday to Friday and this makes no difference to me, I am still prepared to meet up, and I work full time. So these two days were given and it turns out that another friend can only make one of those dates. I'm not blaming her as she only had the choice of two like the rest of us. I realised afterwards that I have a hair appointment on the remaining Saturday and I want to keep it because I go away on the Monday and want my hair to be done for then so I am loathed to rearrange it.

Now it turns out the awkward duo are prepared to meet up after my hair appointment and make it a teatime meal rather than the lunch but now the friend who can only make that date, she lives a way out and might not want to drive home too late. The awkward duo are at least prepared to defer the meal until April if she can't make it but I am worried it will just go ahead without me in March. I know I should have realised before about my hair appointment but these things happen and I had already booked it in January.

To be honest I feel it's all been worked round the two awkward friends and everyone just gives into them. If they had given more availability in the first place we wouldn't be in this position. All I get from the friend whose planning it all is that we can't fit everyone in. We had a farce with those two arranging a meal in January, they didn't want to go if meant them getting home late etc etc yet the other week they went out to the theatre at night together and it wasn't too late for them then.

Sorry this is a long post but how do I deal with it and let it get me to screaming point?

Would the original three be up for telling the awkward two, look, let's forget it this month, as it's too hard to find a time that suits everyone. Then arrange something that suits the three of you, as originally planned. It's sneaky but the other 2 sound like PITAs so I wouldn't feel bad.

"Ah it's a shame Louise and Marie can't make it after all, shall we revert to the original date then and we can organise something for the 5 of us in April. See you there at 12.30, Jen and Lucy. Looking forward to it x"

Do you have other friend groups? You seem very wound up about what seems to me fairly typical in the arrangements a group meet up...

In my experience, its always a bit tricky to try and arrange a group of friends to meet up. And people are entitled to have preferences of what/where/when they want to do!

I do sympathise... I've let a friend group drift in recent years because I felt it was always me being flexible/prioritising our meetups (when they never seemed willing to alter anything in their lives ...). I was sad but decided to concentrate on the people in my life that were available.

As @PacificallyRequested says, try and go ahead with the March meeting regardless of "friend 1 & 2"
but if it doesn't happen, let it go and enjoy other things.

Agree with PP, just arrange on the group to meet up on a date in April. Message you’re 2 friends separately and say that it’s a shame the 2 friends can’t make x date in March but do they fancy getting a few drinks just the three of you.

It seems 5 out of 6 can meet in the dates they offered and it is only you that can't?

Was there a date planned already which was changed to accommodate these two or was it only as far as - a Saturday in March?

It comes across to me that you agreed to something but now want to change it for you. Can you rearrange your appointment to before or after the lunch?

Has anyone even asked the other friend if she wants to meet at dinner time?

The invitation was initially for three of us. I've had my hair appointment booked since January but didn't realise till afterwards. The meal hasn't been booked, the date of 18th March was given as when everyone could make it but then I realised about my hair appointment. Normally I would rearrange it but its on the Saturday before I go away so I want to keep it.

My main bug bear is that the more awkward two of the group could make it the Saturday before they go away on the Monday but they say they have to get things ready for their holiday. Fair enough but they've got all week and the Sunday to do it as neither of them work. They invited themselves along in the first place.

Also previous arrangements have always had to work around them. This is why I'm not happy about it. I spend half my time working around everyone else so all I ask this once is to have my needs considered. I should have remembered about my hair appointment before and given that date as a no no straight away but I didn't and these things happen.

Have you tried to change the time of your hair appointmant? You could make it earlier in the morning and make the lunch time one hour later. Otherwise, I would strongly appose anything but the usual lunch time and be flexible on the date ie postpone until April. Unless you don't wish to attend. You are all equals in this lunch meet up group, regardless of your past and you all like to have the lunch. Try to have it at a time and date that suits you all or not until you can. Other catch ups with one or two of you should be possible and enjoyable as well without jealous or worried thoughts.

No real solutions for this particular meet-up, but in future, why don't you plan to meet at a set time? For instance, every second month on the first Saturday. Then people can plan a bit in advance.

We had a time for a while with our book group; there was one in the group who always had too many things on and wanted us to work around her. I finally got a bit angry, when I had cancelled other plans to work around this person, then she cancelled at the last minute because something more exciting came up. We eventually settled on every third Thursday of the month, and if you can't make it, then we'll see you next time.

They don’t want to do it on the Saturday before their holiday.

You don’t want to do it on the Saturday before your holiday.

I understand you feel they gatecrashed the invite in the first place, although if they’re usually part of the group there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be this time - is there? Arranging friend seems to want to include them.

If you want special consideration-
“all I ask this once is to have my needs considered” - then tell your arranging friend that. Plead your case.

Otherwise be the one in control of the invites next time, and the one to kick off arrangements.

in future, why don't you plan to meet at a set time? For instance, every second month on the first Saturday.

This is very sensible. Suggest this from April onwards.

Update is that we are now going to postpone the meet up until April. At the end of the day the other two did invite themselves and then tried to limit the dates, I would have rearranged my hair appointment if I hadn't been going away and wanting it doing for then. Otherwise I would have been happy to meet up on the Saturday before I go away.

I've just said to my friend whose arranging it all, we should make a mutual date in April and then stick to it and if the awkward two can't make it then they can't and that's it. Too stressful otherwise.

Its not the first time they've caused issues about arrangements by the way. Hopefully all sorted now. Thanks for your replies.

It was you that invited them by "letting it slip". You have to at least own that bit! Now nobody is going for lunch until April!

At the end of the day the other two did invite themselves

but only because

I let it slip to the awkward friend 1 shall I call her, that something was being arranged, just in conversation.

Well that is where you went wrong. And not managing your diary properly.