Do I say they're being rude or quietly seethe? CF Neighbour

[HouseIsOnFire]

Starting with a TL:DR as it is going to be a long one!

If someone (with a history of CFery) is rude and telling you off one moment and then trying to be friendly the next, do you seethe quietly or point out they're being rude?

AIBU - Tell them they're being rude and you're pissed off, hence not replying
AINBU - Keep quiet and don't engage any more than absolutely necessary, don't escalate it!

I shan't bore people with the back story, but from prior threads, I have an incredibly CF. Main issues outlined here:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4707971-aibu-to-not-lend-neighbour-my-car

Since Christmas, I have been steering clear and doing the bare minimum I feel comfortable with i.e. accepting parcels and letting the window cleaner in (he does both of our houses at once).

This was going much better for me, and I had very little contact and so was content with that. Until...

Twice in the last week I have been told off and lectured via text over complete non-issues. I had a surprise visit from a tradesperson, who I let in via shared access at the back. Normally I would always text the street if I know it's happening, but I didn't. I was clearly visible next to tradie at all times and large logo'd van was in front of my house. I let him in and then rushed to get my phone to alert people, was met with a text about how "terrified" neighbour was and how I needed to let them know. I apologised and said I hadn't known they were coming, otherwise I'd forewarn them as I always have done in the past.... and then for the next 30 minutes received sporadic messages telling me I had to give warning and how unreasonable it was of me. When I didn't reply to any of this post apology, the next day was being sent selfies and updates of what they were up to - not normal even before when we were friendlier!

(NB, 2 days later I had a man hammering at my door after midnight, which genuinely terrified me. Turned out to be neighbour had ordered takeaway to wrong address and instead of apologising, told me off for not taking in the food for them!)

Earlier this week they needed something done and texted to ask if it was ok that the person doing it was blocking my drive (and my car) in - this was after they'd already been blocking it in for an hour. I replied it wasn't great, but as long as it was done by 4 when I needed to go out, then not to worry moving it. Received a stream of messages that I don't go out during the day (true I wfh) so don't need my car and so it was no problem for it to be blocked in. Baffling... why ask if you've already decided it's fine!? I didn't reply to any of these, because honestly what is the point?! Then shortly after received texts asking where I was going at 4 and did I have anything nice planned?!

I realise these are petty examples, but they're endless, I've been told off for my empty wheelie bin being put outside their house by the bin lorry, I've been told off for not being in when they've had a parcel delivery. I don't know what to do - do I just straight up ask if they realise they are being so rude? I know that's a Mnet cliche, but do they honestly think you can tell someone off over nothing and be friends in the next breath!?

Thank you for reading so far!

“Blocking my driveway is incredibly rude. My plans are irrelevant. I want the van gone before ai leave please.”

WOW!

I consider myself to be a highly patient person. Colleagues in the past have told me they are amazed at how patient I am (e.g. with children presenting extreme behaviours etc - I used to be a teacher).

However, even I could not tolerate this! I would send her a politely worded but firm message about her behaviour and end it with, "I am therefore no longer going to engage with you and have blocked your number". I would block it too!

Life is too short for this level of fuckwittery!

Fuck's sake, just block them. You don't owe them anything just because you live near them.

You're all batshit crazy.

Why do you have to text everyone if there is a delivery?

Why are you expected to take delivery of a takeaway for someone else?

You lot really need to establish some boundaries.

We don't text each other if there is a delivery - she texted my to tell me off I wasn't in to take HER delivery.

But you are all right, I have to just cut off messaging completely!

They are batshit. Tell them to stop harassing you, then block.

You do not need to give notice to neighours when you are expecting tradesmen, unless something uncommonly disruptive and noisy will be taking place.

Good grief I wouldn’t be able to live with this. There’s a line between being helpful and looking out for each other and then being intrusive and overbearing. You don’t live together or owe her anything. You need to call out the rudeness the next time if you don’t want to completely cut contact. She possibly doesn’t mean it but clearly lacks boundaries. You are entitled to a private life ffs.

Stop being friendly to them. They are not your mum, they dont get to lecture you

Text her back saying it's not my fucking problem.

I'd be telling them to squarely fuck off, couldn't be dealing with that shit on a regular basis.

What you have experienced from the nieghbour is harrassment, they have no right to shout at you full stop as they are rude, cantankarus and abrupt.

You have a number of options

1. Tell them to their face to stop harrassing you or

2. contact your local authority ( council) and send an email complaint giving details.

They need to wind their neck in before they end up with an ASBO.

Just kill them.

It is only written lectures 🤣 the only and only time she asked me if she was annoying me face to face, I told her she was.
That was the day she said I needed therapy for being upset about my brand new windows being cracked 😅

Thank you everyone, I accept I've been far too passive in this and obviously ignoring isn't working, I will call her out directly next time!

Just stop messaging her. You’re unwittingly buying into her ridiculous behaviour by telling her about a tradesman when his van is clearly visible or telling her you’re going out at 4 etc. She probably thinks you want to be extra pally.

Oh my God, my blood pressure is through the roof just reading that. How have you managed to not explode by now? You must have the patience of a saint.

Definitely ignore

The delivery guy banging on your door at midnight is seriously NOT OK. I live alone, if someone knocked on my door at that time and it wasn't someone informing me of an emergency then I'd hit the fuckin roof. Your neighbours are absolute selfish wanks.

You are being too polite. Instead of saying… not great, move later… say “you have blocked me in, please move now”
”but you don’t ever go anyway”
”I fail to see how that is any if your business- don’t block me in”
if she tells you off for not taking in her stuff… “I am not paid to take in your stuff, I do it at my convenience. Please don’t be rude about it, there is absolutely no reason for me to build my day around your deliveries.”
be polite. Very polite. And very direct

I wonder if she deliberately had that delivery guy come to your house as a revenge thing? Seems conveniently quickly after your thing.

Anyway, stop the texting and informing her of things so much, the less she knows the better. She sounds very overbearing and if you give her an inch, she takes a mile.

Can you not set up a neighbourhood WhatsApp group with everyone's agreement? It would mean anyone's CFery would be apparent but also a swift way for people to say "removal van coming 2-5 Tues." If set up, tell your neighbour you just want communication via that.

But then you're never leaving Royston Vasey ......

God no, you'd probably end up with half a dozen CFs making your phone ping all day 😂

We have one, funnily enough she's lovely in public! That's where I normally drop a note about using the shared access etc (I know you all think it's weird but the shared access is literally through gardens - i always appreciate a heads up... I'd just never have a go at someone for not saying it!)

I don't know what to do - do I just straight up ask if they realise they are being so rude?

No. You straight up tell them to fuck off and leave you alone !!

If you get advance notice of a tradesperson, then fine, let them know. If not, tough shit, it’s shared access. If people get food delivered to the wrong address, that’s on them - no obligation for you to deliver it to them and no obligation to answer the door late at night. If you’re feeling generous, leave it on your doorstep and text them. And as for blocking in the car - to actually tell you to basically put up with it because you don’t go out during the day ?? Text them back and tell them what you do during the day is your own business and to move the vehicle blocking you in - remind them that to park across a dropped pavement when a car is on the drive is illegal. And play them at their own game if it happens again, with endless texts asking to move it, how long they’ll be etc etc. And taking in parcels, letting in window cleaners is a favour, not a right.

It sounds to me as though you’re being played, because when you don’t respond they get friendly. This could be because you’re sending mixed messages and they’re testing to see how far you can be pushed. You need to stand up to them because none of this is normal behaviour from neighbours, it’s batshit.

I think because there's been so much madness, it seems like I'm constantly informing her of my movements! I have been here since june and only alerted the row to stuff maybe 5-6 times

I would block her.
My neighbour is an absolute pain in the bum. She blows hot and cold. She's lived there 5 years I think. I've been here 13 years. Before she moved in we had no problems whatsoever regarding the cleaning of the communal stairs (I live in Austria and it's common practice that there's a rota for all flat owners to clean communal areas and be responsible for bins etc). Honestly, she has driven me nuts going on and on about these stairs, getting angry and ripping down the rota, tearing it up and then putting a new one up with aggressive notes on it.
One neighbour has health problems and doesn't clean as often as she should. So pain in arse neighbour was constantly bothering me about what are "we" going to do about it. Later on completely changing the narrative when the other neighbour turned out to have been in hospital and trying to make out that I had been mean by saying the other neighbour should clean. Er no..... never said that. And another time coming round shouting at me because I hadn't cleaned for 8 days - because I was shovelling the fucking snow outside, which she doesn't do.
I got absolutely pig sick of this so the last time she knocked on my door (in December) going on about stairs I said "I'm not interested in having any more discussions about these stairs so do not approach me about it again. If you've got an issue with other neighbours not cleaning, talk to the house management company". Not heard a peep from her since.
I previously had problems with her regarding a favour I had done for her and something she did for me in return. She gas-lit me about the whole situation and it was really unpleasant.
I've blocked her on WhatsApp and as I said, I won't be engaging with any more discussions about anything.

TL:DR - there are people like this the world over. They've got their own issues going on, whatever those may be, which cause them to behave like that. You can't change their behaviour but you can change how you react to that behaviour. Get her blocked on everything. Don't engage. And don't be too accommodating such as saying someone can block the drive until 4pm. Tell her no one is to block your drive. Ever.

Then if you have to deal with her, do it through the group only so there are witnesses.

Or reply to her batshit texts through the group so everyone can see what she's like.

We are so, so lucky with our neighbours here!