To keep her father’s side of the family involved or not?

[SingleMumofOne95]

My daughter’s father hasn’t seen her for 16 months now. There is a history of domestic abuse, so I took it to court and the court deemed him unsafe to see her until the proceedings had concluded. We got halfway through the proceedings when his girlfriend split up with him and it made him too ‘mentally unwell’ to engage with the proceedings and he said he didn’t want to proceed anymore or sort out any child contact arrangements and was basically going to abandon his daughter over a heartbreak (she’s much better off this way anyway given the type of man that he is).

The situation I now have is what to do with his family. They also haven’t seen her for a long period of time (around 2 years) because of the issues going on but also because before the court proceedings started they just could never be bothered to make any plans to see her and I would constantly having to be chasing them to make an arrangement.

They slowly started getting back in contact a little while ago - they would video call and text regularly, sent birthday and Christmas presents etc - it has started to tail off again though slightly. The main issue that I have with them is that they enable her father’s behaviour, always makes excuses for him and the way that he behaves and doesn’t ever hold him accountable when he does something wrong which has put my daughter in danger before hence why they never have unsupervised contact with her (I supervise). My daughter also has autism so that needs to be taken into account.

A part of me wants to just cut them all off, especially now that her dad has chosen not to have any contact, and this is the last remaining tie to him for him to just find out information whenever he wants about her. Also, their mentality and toxic family environment isn’t one that I want her exposed to anymore (there is other things about them like they force religion on the children by making them constantly and obsessively pray about things and are extremely homophobic and I have dated women in the past and they encourage the children to be homophobic too). But then I feel bad for taking a whole side of her family away from her, especially because she does love her cousins (the children in the family) and they are the only ones she currently has and I don’t have a big family unit myself.

I just feel so conflicted and it’s such a big burden on my shoulders making sure I make the right decision and don’t mess her entire life up - any advice would be VERY welcome! (Please be kind).

Bump x

My children haven't seen their dad for years. When they were younger, I facilitated the contact with the GP on his side. They were divorced so it was twice the work to organise catch-ups and visits on their birthdays etc. I found it was always me doing the brunt of the work but I felt it was worthwhile for the sake of the kids. My mantra was always "the more people they have to love, the better".

Well, when ExH got a new serious girlfriend, the Ex-MIL along the lines of "now that [insert wanker name] is in a new relationship, I don't have the time to maintain our relationship". She has literally not seen or asked after her grandchildren since, in about 8 years.

Their paternal grandfather was much better, had them for occasional sleepovers and invited them for the family BBQ (just the kids, perish the thought I'd be invited). Then, it all just dwindled. No real reason why. Anyhow, I maintained the birthdays, Christmas, quarterly visits. Encouraged the kids to speak with him on the phone. He was never overly fussed and never made any effort off his own back.

Now the kids are 15 and 14. For the last 18-24 months, I have stepped out of the picture. They all have their own phones and no longer need me as the middle man. As expected, they hardly see or hear from him. He might pop by for 15 minutes on Christmas Day. He texts them once in a blue moon, about something inane and then disappears for another 4 months.

Their loss.

Ultimately my advice would be; don't over-invest your time. Facilitate contact to a point that doesn't disrupt your life or plans. I don't regret the steps I took to try and keep that part of my children's' family alive. My kids know themselves that I put the work in and the fact they don't see these people now is down to the GP themselves. But the sad fact is; they aren't YOUR family and never will be.

This is a difficult one.

My brother gave up his access to his son when he was around 2 years old. There were no issues with mental illness or abuse like in your situation, he’s just a d* and his partner at the time, now wife, didn’t want him to see his son basically.

My brothers ex-wife/nephew’s mum continued to allow my parents and myself to see him, on the agreement that my brother didn’t see him or be involved in any way. They’d have him overnight some weekends, for tea one night a week, they’d occasionally take him away for the weekend and stuff like that. He’s 16 now and my parents and myself still have a great relationship with him, they don’t see him quite as often but that’s mainly because he has his own life now (friends/girlfriend/job/GCSEs) but they still have him round for the day/tea after school a couple of times a month.

I think the difference in our situation is that my parents and myself wanted to maintain a relationship with him, nephews mum didn’t have to do the chasing like you have to do.

My parents also have a small relationship with my nephews half brothers on his mums side (14 and 2). The older half brother used to regularly come for tea with my nephew and my mum occasionally has the younger brother for a few hours for a play date whilst she has my son (same age). They also send Xmas and birthday cards and gifts for them.

my brother now has minimal contact with my nephew, occasional text messages and the occasional meet up for lunch but that’s only been in the last few years whilst my nephew has been old enough to make that decision for himself.

if his family were actively wanting to spend time with your child I’d say 100% go for it but I think it’s more difficult that they don’t seem overly bothered about maintaining the relationship themselves.