Vomiting phobia and TTC

[childishbambino]

Am I being unreasonable...

This could be a long one sorry.

I've suffered from crippling emetophobia for the past 25 years - I have seen a therapist for this for many years on and off. I have made quite a lot of improvement.
However, whilst certain aspects of my life I have managed to regain some perspective and freedom, I am still an emetophobe - I am still petrified of being sick.

I found out a couple of years ago that my fertility wasn't great - I have a blocked tube and endometriosis. This completely changed my life and I have been at the lowest I've ever been in my life at the thought of me not being able to have the child I have longed for, loved every single day and have been working towards getting better so I could ttc. I don't even recognise myself anymore as I feel so empty due to my fertility struggles.

We had been ttc a couple of months prior to my diagnosis as I felt like it was now or never in terms of my phobia and I did feel that I'd made enough improvement for me to at least try.

I'm now two years down the line and still not pregnant so considering IVF as a very real possibility.

Over the past week I've been second guessing myself and I'm now terrified I can't do this due to my emetophobia. I want this so much and this f**ng phobia is standing in the way AGAIN. Despite all of my fertility problems and the heartache it's caused I'm still stuck on this bloody phobia.
I've read a further thread tonight about children vomiting in a restaurant and I couldn't believe the amount of comments of people who have had similar situations happen to them! It's just caused me to panic even further and wonder if I can actually do this or not.

Am I being unreasonable?

I feel so weak and pathetic to be on here moaning about the prospect of being sick when I've already got fertility issues. I have been to hell with both this and my phobia so I truly know hell from both sides. I decided not to let my phobia win but I'm now just doubting myself again as I know I need to make a decision.

I know this post sounds so ridiculous to anyone who doesn't have this phobia but I'm really hoping that there's someone out there who will understand and be able to guide me to making the right choice. Please don't comment if you have nothing constructive to say - I cannot cope with it. This is a serious phobia - not just a disliking of being sick.

Thank you to anyone who reads this 🙏🙏

@Caneloalvarez

Yes I'm with you - i can now cope with seeing people being sick through any non contagious causes (drinking etc) but it's always about me and whether or not I'm going to catch it - sounds so selfish.

I've also read so much about having a child with either make someone or break them with this phobia. Fortunately I have actually found far more people being 'made' than it actually breaking them.

That is a very helpful way of processing it to just take it a stage at a time - I hadn't thought of that.

I really hope we can both get past this xx

@VikingLady

Thank you - this is helpful to hear that having a child isn't constant sickness!

I'd definitely bin the bedding too 😂

@chelle0

I'm so sorry for you having to experience that - that sounds like my idea of hell :(

I too understand how difficult even saying the word is. My entire childhood I couldn't physically say it. One day my mum wouldn't answer my million daily questions I needed reassuring about it until I actually said the word! As cruel as that sounds it helped me to remove all of the terror surrounding that word and I refused to give that word any more power.

It is the hardest phobia ever to explain to someone who doesn't have it. The amount of doctors I've had to explain what emetophobia even means to is insane - it just makes a mockery of a phobia that is listed as one of the most debilitating and complicated to treat. 😩

@garlictwist

That thread really was horrific - I'm so glad others understood my reaction! The trigger warning just seemed to encourage my forever punishing brain to read on too 🤦🏻‍♀️

Our reactions aren't 'normal' BUT the thought of not behaving like this seems even more unrealistic.

I'm badly phobic.

Everyone told me when I had children I'd be able to cope with them vomiting. They were wrong. I cannot comfort my children when they are sick, and in the worst case I actually checked into a hotel and left my husband to deal with the child in question.

Emetophobia has ruined my life. Thankfully my children are old enough to know that I love them, but I just can't cope.

@Lostthefairytale

Thank you - this is comforting to hear that is has helped you. I feel that it would help me too. I am definitely in the best frame of mind I've ever been at with my phobia to even actively ttc, it's just these late night doubts that haunt me.

It does feel even worse to me the fact that I might not even get pregnant anyway - naturally or via IVF. It feels like a cruel joke to have this phobia AND fertility problems

@tuppatea

I'm so sorry - I completely understand. This is exactly how I'm concerned I would be.

Emetophobia has ruined my life too.

♥️♥️

I have suffered with emetophobia for as long as I can remember. It's a hideous and debilitating phobia that stops me from flying, going on trains, even taking my children on a bus until they were much older, around 4/5.

Unfortunately, I did get morning sickness, however, due to my emetophobia I was prescribed safe anti emetics, which helped.

When my children were little, my husband was amazing, he did all the sick bug care etc.

I've gotten out a moving (!!!) Vehicle on an A road when someone said that they felt sick, hadn't even been sick! I've blacked out in fear and had to be carried......its so debilitating.

My children haven't vomited in public either btw!

It's hard, but no harder for those who have other phobias or needs.

You shouldn't feel bad for wondering and reaching out. You can do this.

Good luck with your fertility journey x

It’s really unbelievable how much brain space emetophobia takes up. Can I ask people on this thread - do you feel like you have two minds? One that does all the obsessing/catastrophising, and another one that is capable of rational thought and knows it’s not the end of the world? This is how I feel. The obsessive side is usually the one that is running the show :(

I have also had other phobias / obsessions over the years, so in a way I know it’s more of a “thinking” problem, and less of an actual problem with v. In the moment, I can actually cope (just about) I don’t need to completely run away. But I know for others it’s impossible to even cope in the moment. So it’s seems there are varying degrees of severity.

there was a thread a while ago where an emetophobe asked “normal” people to describe how they feel about sickness, and how they deal with it. It was just mind blowing. Lots of replies saying that they simply just never think about it unless it’s actually happening. I would love to experience how this feels for just one day!! It really brought home to me how abnormal my thought processes are.

@childishbambino yeh I also feel very selfish! On one level I KNOW it’s pointless and silly. But I can’t help obsessing, using hand gels, questioning my husband as to whether he’s washed his hands etc. All in the hope of avoiding something contagious.

@Caneloalvarez

Exactly this - so I'm sat here at the moment thinking oh if I'm sick right now I'll be fine. However, my other more dominant side would go into absolute meltdown. That is the side that ultimately ALWAYS wins. That side was the side that made me post this thread in the first place. I often wonder if my fertility problems are actually my emetophobia protecting me and I'll never get pregnant anyway because my emetophobia knows I won't be a fit mother. It's very hard to get those thought out of my head that I deserve this as I'm not suitable.

I've also had other obsessions too - I do have ocd but I know that goes hand in hand with emetophobia. I become obsessed over a certain thing and it spirals and spirals until I find a new thing to obsess and panic over, then that one takes over and the other has gone away (it can come back again though). It's like I HAVE to have something or anything that will punish my brain that I'll go over and over and over again - it's exhausting, I just want a peaceful brain. The emetophobia has never gone away though, it's quietened slightly but mainly to make room for MORE obsessions. Does that make sense to you??

I remember that thread too, I felt like all of those people who said they've never even considered if before were so powerful and in control. Imagine a world where you aren't completely consumed by emetophobia?! I wouldn't know where to begin!

My poor husband is so well trained now with hand gel/washing that I pretty much trust he will be doing it without my constant nagging. Still have to double check though :(

Hyperemesis is more likely in women with autoimmune diseases or other inflammatory diseases. Theres lots of research on this.

@Needsomeadvice33

I have endometriosis :( I've never heard of this before, argh 😩

OP, I have what I would consider mild emetophobia.

I too have Endometriosis and had my first baby last year. I got bad ‘morning’ sickness for 2 months 😭😭 I can’t even lie, it nearly broke me. I did get anti sickness tablets which did help somewhat, but the nausea was still there for me which is almost as bad as the being sick itself. Tbh, in the end, although I still cried if I was ill, I DID end up getting used to it a bit.

Honestly, I wouldn’t let it put you off TTC at all, I think you’ll just naturally cope, we all do. I would definitely get put on anti sickness meds if you get pregnant though, it will really help.

Big hugs, wishing you all the best.

@childishbambino i can definitely relate to everything you’ve said! I have ocd too. My first rituals (which started around age 12) were all about avoiding sickness and I used to be very afraid of related words in case they magically summoned illness! I can now see that rituals are pointless but I think my ocd just changed the game a bit, finding other more scary themes/phobias to focus on. But emetophobia is the one that is always present - I feel like it goes a bit dormant if I’m in a really bad patch with another obsession. But it never fully goes away.

I honestly think your thoughts around not having the potential to be a good mum because of your fears are part of the ocd/anxiety that you have. We have such a huge tendency to be negative and find “reasons” for things not to work out. I have found that being a mum is an absolute rollercoaster - one minute you’re having the most amazing moment and the next you’re dealing with your nightmare situation. But it ebbs and flows, it’s hard then easy then hard again. Like I said before - it helps to take things moment by moment and realise that things change, the worst situations come to an end at some point. And it will be ok! (I’m still working on this mindset lol)

im sure there are lots of amazing qualities about you that will mean you’ll be a good mum. Everyone has their weaknesses but don’t let it dictate your decisions.

I’m an emetophobe with 2 kids aged 4 and 5. I’ve always had it but it became more acute after having kids, as before I wasn’t really exposed to many bugs (or could run away if I was!)

ironically I am a very ‘un sicky’ person. I just don’t get stomach bugs- haven’t thrown up since childhood, bar alcohol. But in some ways that probably makes it worse as it’s built up into a massive thing in my head.

For me it’s more the anticipation / worry about it than the event itself. The lack of control and certainty as to if/ when / where it might happen. My DC have only had a couple of bugs and in the moment I actually just about cope ok (albeit with great reluctance) but I spend a massively disproportionate amount of time worrying about when it might happen and it’s full panic stations if I realise they’ve been around someone with a bug.

DS in particular has only been sick about 3 times in 5 years, and yet I worry about it happening literally every day! It feels very isolating when you see other parents not giving it a second thought. A low point for me was light hearted chat in the class WhatsApp group about a bug tearing through the class - nobody else seemed fussed whereas I was on clammy-handed tenterhooks for a week (DS didn’t catch it, so more time wasted with pointless worry 🤨)

I’m seeing a therapist which helps a bit but it’s not easy to tackle. The main thing is to try to avoid reassurance seeking / safety behaviours and practise making room for the thoughts/ worries, but it’s bloody hard.

All that said, if you want children I wouldn’t let your phobia rob you of that. I won’t say it won’t be an issue, but overall the joy the kids bring is worth it. Once they’re a bit older I think it’ll have less impact too as they can pretty much deal with it themselves and also probably less susceptible once they’re past early primary years.

good luck!

P.s I too ploughed through the whole vomiting in restaurant thread for inexplicable reasons! I think it’s probably a weird form of reassurance seeking, hoping people will post to confirm it’s a rare occurrence 😆

@bumblenbean

Exactly this again! Thank you.

I haven't been sick since childhood either, I wouldn't even know how to be sick.

I did follow the thrive programme a few years ago (I stopped about half way through as I was terrified I'd fail 😊 there's my ridiculous mindset for you!) and it was so eye opening. It said how emetophobia is never actually about sickness, it's all about needing control - I totally get it.

It is so amazing how others can just say about a sick bug 'going around' like it's nothing. If I hear that norovirus cases are on the rise on the news I immediately panic and start to spiral.

Definitely is a weird way of reassurance with the restaurant thread! I hadn't thought of it that way but I was desperately reading trying to find someone who was repulsed and said this just doesn't happen!

I really, really don't want to allow my phobia to win as usual - I know I will regret it. But the emetophobia is whispering in my ear - what if I regret the child. It's just an impossible situation.

If your fear is that severe then I don't think you can have kids. Morning sickness, labour, regular baby spit ups and then the daycare/school vomitting bugs (two a year if lucky possibly more). This is probably not what you want to hear but just being realistic

@abmac95

I understand where you are coming from but from experience of my childhood:

Mum never got morning sickness (tends to run in families)
I've only ever had two sick bugs in my life - same as my sibling (we're both 30/31 now)
Baby sick up not concerning to me

My partners childhood was similar too.

I'm trying to factor in all of the above to make the right decision for me - I'm surely not a rarity in my childhood experience. I'm fed up of allowing my phobia to ruin my life, it has completely destroyed me, I have never ever lived a 'normal' life because this phobia has controlled EVERYTHING.

Surely my experience isn't that uncommon? Or am I really completely delusional...

Phobia's can improve during pregnancy. There's no clear reason why- I'm sure you could make and evolutionary argument for it. I remember hearing this and feeling really skeptical about it but I had a lifelong snake phobia that meant I couldn't even look at a picture of a snake which improved significantly when i had my first child.

I don't love them now but I could watch one on tv without crying and shaking which would have been unthinkable before. It is natural to want to avoid something you fear but it realising that this was part of the problem also helps.

@DaftWeeBun

I've heard this too!

It's such a no win situation, I'm avoiding the thing I need to face in order to get over it!