Daydreaming out of control

[DaydreamerTooFar]

I've always been a daydreamer and had an active imagination but lately I feel like it's getting to be too much, I feel like I'm living in a fantasy land, I create these scenarios in my head and obsess over them.

Anyway. My latest obsession was moving to Hawaii. I would daydream constantly that I was just going to run away to Hawaii, not tell anyone I was going, dump my sim card, leave my husband and just go. I was going to finally write a novel, and improve my fitness. I found somewhere I could live, I went on google maps to plan the routes I would walk, checked the bus timetables, found a gym I would go to, luggage and outfits I would buy to take, visa requirements, looked up flights, looked at menus for nearby restaurants, etc etc. I had it all perfectly planned out and I would walk through it in my mind, as if I was already living there, like constantly. I couldn’t sleep because of it, and I’m self employed and I barely got any work done. I really believed I would do it, but then reality set in that I didn’t really have the money and it all kind of fizzled away. I probably wouldn’t have done it if I did.

They’re usually all centred around running away and leaving my life, or setting up a new business or changing my career and how fantastic that will be and how happy and fulfilled I’d be, and when I come out of one, like I am doing now, I feel so depressed. I feel like there’s no point to life, that I will never be happy. I took my dogs for a walk and just sat on a bench for an hour in a park just staring into the distance and feeling so sad.

AIBU to think this is getting out of hand? It’s really depressing me and it’s making me feel so ungrateful for the life that I do have.

Daydreaming is normally fun and harmless but you are constructing a completely fantasy life which suggests your current life is intolerable without this escape valve. What's going on in your life at the moment that makes running away so inviting?

I think I feel a bit trapped in my real life maybe. I've been suffering with infertility for a few years now, I feel like I've been stuck in one place while everyone around me moves on. I don't know if I still love my husband, even though I do, I think I have been feeling depressed and anxious in general but I kind of don't know which comes first - does the depression cause the daydreaming, or does the daydreaming cause the depression.

Actually I did just learn that term but I wasn't sure if it applied because although they are intense and vivid, I came out of one the other day and it was almost like when you wake up from a day nap and youre confused for a minute about where you are, but there aren't any characters or plotlines or storylines etc

You sound so sad. I’ve done similar. Become fixated on moving to a certain place, joining Facebook groups, looking at restaurants. Because I need an out of my life (I have two disabled children). Have you thought about therapy? I don’t think daydreaming is a problem until it really interferes with your life and it sounds like it is reaching that point for you.

I daydream a lot. I have ever since I was a kid. I didn't have the best home life and I was always very insecure, even as an adult. So I always dream about a better life - usually of being wealthy, gorgeous, successful, happily married, with great friends, etc. There are times when I hate having to get up in the morning to go back to drudgery of work and life, when I could live in my head all day. I"m actually thinking about getting some kind of counselling to see if it will work. (Doubt it as I'm in my 50s now and don't really have much to look forward to but it's worth a try I guess.)

Anyway, you aren't alone. But you may want to get some individual counseling. Obviously your real life is not making you happy and you may need some guidance around trying to make it better for you.

I suffered with infertility for a few years and it was a very tough time. Looking back I think I lived in a bit of a fantasy land too. I remember very vividly the feeling of being left behind by my peers and how it put a big strain on my marriage, made me question everything. I also fantasised about escaping somewhere faraway and hot. You shouldn’t underestimate the emotional impact of infertility. Wishing you all the best.

It sounds like you need a new start. Maybe your H isn’t making you happy. You are longing for something new with every fibre of your being. Maybe you just need to take the plunge.

I've done this frequently in the past, generally when my life has felt empty and flat and I've needed some excitement and joy. And like you say, not just slight daydreaming but actual obsessing, lying there for an hour or 2, trying to fit 10 minutes in here and there to give myself a dopamine hit. Definitely triggered by bouts of depression for me. I'd suggest trying to get a little more enjoyment in your life, maybe take up a new hobby or something? And possibly some counselling if you think it'd benefit you.

I've had counselling. I was seeing someone for about 18 months, we got along so well and she really helped me with some things, and I felt like I ran out of things to say to her. But I also kind of feel like it didn't really help at the same time. She would skip over some things sometimes and the daydreaming was one of them. I've been to a GP before and been given a couple of different types of medications and they help, a bit, for a while. But I always really just feel the same.

I do think it's interfering with my life, it does affect me at work a lot as I work on my own, I've missed deadlines or had to work flat out for two days to try and catch up after a week of doing nothing. I think it makes me a bad wife sometimes, because sometimes I would rather be in the daydream than present with my husband.

Can I ask, were you able to have children in the end? If so did that stop you from daydreaming as much, or were you just able to come to terms with the infertility? If that's too personal please ignore.

I get into this rut too. I first heard of maladaptive daydreaming from MN and that is definitely me!

I actually have a weird solution but it only works until the next obsessive daydream takes hold.

You have to incorporate imaginary friends or lovers into the daydream. Allow the "friendships" to flourish and grow attached to them over a period of time. Then kill them off, like characters in a TV show. It'll make the daydream too sad to return to.

You have to figure out your triggers too. My daydreaming is triggered by getting a cold. Otherwise I can keep busy and avoid getting sucked into them. But if I take a few days off sick my mind wanders (partly boredom, I guess) and then the next thing you know... I'm half living in reality, half in my head.

Other things that I suspect may help: exercises to improve attention span (I've never tried this myself) and masturbating more as I feel this makes me more lively and present throughout the day.

Yes, I had my eldest after 4 years TTC and two full cycles of ICSI. I then went on to spontaneously conceive twins. So it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster of a journey!

Once I had a baby, I was able to see just how much infertility affected me and our marriage. I think it can drive a wedge between otherwise content couples, especially if you’re on different pages. Having children brought different pressures and challenges. I daydream a bit now, but it’s more escapism from the drudge of family life. That said, I would far rather be dealing with the challenges of a young family than infertility.

This resonates with me. I have done this type of daydreaming most of my life, though it has peaked at times depending on what else is going on in my life. Have started to consider recently just how much difference I could make to my real life if I devoted quite as much time to changes in it that I do to the daydreaming!

Yes that’s really amazing, congratulations. That’s my ideal scenario, one baby then a set of twins!

I think for me, I don’t think it’s driven a wedge between me and my husband as we’re both on the same page about it.

Weve been TTC for 10 years and I recently had weight loss surgery so I could have IVF and I’m almost to the point where we could have it now, but I’m also questioning if that the right thing, if having a baby would make things better or worse, even though I would love nothing more to be a mum. I’m so sick of being confused about it all.

@fluffyoverlord thank you. I was very lucky, it was a big surprise!

@DaydreamerTooFar I also questioned whether I really wanted a family before I had one- IVF is a lot to go through. I am glad it did it, but the failed cycle was hard. I needed to know that if I looked back, I had at least tried and could come to terms with whatever the outcome was. However, it took me over a year to be ready to put myself through the process. It’s fine to delay treatment, although you might not want to delay too much if you’re late 30s.