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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to tell my friend that I don’t want anything to do with her husband?

23 replies

kerchow · 21/02/2023 17:48

I’ve known them both for the same amount of years as they were DH’s friends from school. We have DC of a similar age and for the last 15 years or so we’ve seen lots of them for days and nights out, holidays etc. I considered us to be best friends.

In October 2020 the wife of this couple told us that they’d separated and were living apart. The husband had an emotional affair with someone at work, where they both work, and told her that he’d been unhappy for years and she was the cause of that. I was gutted for them both and was shocked that he’d done this. DH met up with him and he confirmed everything she’d said, comparing her unfavourably to the other woman and placing all the blame for any problems in the marriage on her.

Following this they were off and on for the next year. She said he would beg to come home and then leave again after a few weeks. She was devastated, started medication and counselling and was signed off from work due to the stress. She described the nasty things he said to her, how he made it difficult for her at work (where he’s the boss), what a mess their marriage had been for years and described an incident where he got drunk and had a fight with their adult son and caused damage to their home. Again, I was shocked by this but believed it and told her repeatedly that in my opinion she was better off without him.

Each time she took him back she went quiet on me. I understood why, it was nobody’s business except theirs and she was probably embarrassed but I made it clear to her that I was there to support her. The last time they “split” she instructed a divorce solicitor. She said he wasn’t going to contest it but at the last minute he instructed his own solicitor. Following this he had another change of heart and they’ve been back together ever since.

During this whole time, I haven’t heard a thing from him. DH has only seen him a handful of times and not within the last year. They only keep in touch on social media. Contact with her is now minimal. I text her regularly and her replies are very basic. She doesn’t mention him and says very little about work, what she’s been up to, how the kids are etc. They moved a year ago and I don’t know their new address despite asking. I know more about their lives from his social media (DH follows him) than from her.

Anyway the point of the post is was I unreasonable to tell her I don’t want to have anything to do with him after all this? She text and invited us to their DC’s 18th birthday party and I replied saying that after everything I know about him and have said about him, I’m not comfortable spending time with him. Since then I’ve heard nothing from her. I feel weird about it and I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing.

OP posts:

UdoU · 21/02/2023 17:52

YANBU, I wouldn't want to look at him either.

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 17:52

I would have stood by her if I valued the friendship enough. I have an aunt in the same position, I dont know where that would leave her if everyone swerved her, we all just ignore the dickhead and it works for us.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/02/2023 17:53

It sounds like the friendship was over anyway. You’re allowed your own very sensible boundaries but you can see how vulnerable she must feel after everything she’s shared and all that you know. She can’t have that regular reminder of all the pain he’s caused her and while, for her own reasons she’s chosen to stay with him, she’s got to pretend none of it happened.

I’d feel very sad for her and just hope she’s got new friends where they now live who’ll support her when he inevitably does it again.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 17:54

I wouldn't be able to hide my distane for him either so I don't think you were wrong to say that but I would have let her know you would be there for her if the relationship went south and willing to see her alone.

Merryoldgoat · 21/02/2023 17:55

You can’t have a real friendship with someone under these circumstances - it breeds bad feeling on both sides.

Accept it’s run its course and move on.

Kitkatfiend31 · 21/02/2023 17:57

I think for the kids 18th I would have gone, if I'd previously had a good relationship. But not wanting to meet up with them as a couple is reasonable after it all. I'm afraid it's a common occurrence when your advice etc during a split causes problems later.

minipie · 21/02/2023 17:57

YANBU to feel that way. And YANBU to say it. But YABU not to realise that would probably spell the end of the friendship. How can she keep up her cognitive dissonance around you, knowing your view and remembering what she has told you? You’ve effectively said it’s him or me and (for now) she’s choosing him.

However I hope you keep in touch with her one way or another as she may need you again one day.

PennyForearm · 21/02/2023 17:58

The friendship was on the wane anyway.

She used you... used you to offload on, used you for support, told you too much, and now she's doing her own version of re-writing history by erasing you because you know the truth, that her relationship is absolute dogshit, and you refuse to pretend otherwise.

KarmaStar · 21/02/2023 18:00

Hi,
To be honest,I think she's withdrawing from you anyway and I'd be surprised if the contact between you two ladies didn't stop altogether,not your fault.
let them get on with it,you don't need the negativity in your life at the moment with the other matters you have.
If,down the line,they split again,think very carefully before resuming contact .

newnamethanks · 21/02/2023 18:01

This is always the problem in this situation, he's a pig and leaves, she tells you all about his piggishness and how she can't bear to be in the same room as him. Then she takes him back. Now you both know all about him but she has to pretend she doesn't in order to live with him. Horrible. Friendship over. As she knows you know. Leave it well alone. No good deed goes unpunished.

Sazzasez · 21/02/2023 18:03

Hit the wrong button, sorry. Arthritis

You are not being unreasonable.

Elieza · 21/02/2023 18:09

She prob knows he’s a prick and she’s not strong enough to tell him to F off permanently.

She knows that you know it too and thinks you are judging her.

She’s ashamed.

Your reply re 18th birthday invite made her choose between him and you. She chose him.

I doubt she’ll contact you again. Your friendship is gone.

I get why you feel how you do. But your friend doesn’t want friends to be like that. She wants ones that will accept her as she is. With him in tow.

If you can do that fine. If not it’s best to just let the friendship go.

VirtualRealitee · 21/02/2023 18:11

YANBU really but she probably feels as though you're judging her for being able to spend time with him.

Cocobutt · 21/02/2023 18:30

Contact with her is now minimal. I text her regularly and her replies are very basic.

I voted YABU as it’s HER you need to cut contact with.

She’s treated you like absolute shit and thinks she can pick you up and drop you whoever she feels like it. Fuck that!

They fall out she needs someone to moan to and to keep her company when she’s bored and then they get back together and she stops or barely speaks to you.

Stop texting her.
If they break up again just say sorry to hear that and that you don’t want to get involved.

hattie43 · 21/02/2023 18:51

I think YABU . You were there to support her not question her choices . As a friend you
don't have to agree with her but it seems unnecessary to pile more pressure on by blanking her partner . Having said that it seems she has withdrawn from you anyway .

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 21/02/2023 18:56

I agree with @Cocobutt

Unfortunately your close friends are no longer that and it's best to move on. It's a shame but they only have themselves to blame.

I would leave them to it.

Emptycrackedcup · 21/02/2023 19:01

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 17:52

This. If she's your friend, be her friend. I think this is often why people don't open up with their friends shout their husbands as if they stay together it affects the dynamic of a friendship as the friend will no longer like the husband. In this situation it's like your judging and punishing your friend for being with him

Original poster

kerchow · 21/02/2023 20:25

Thanks for the replies.

I am definitely judging him but hope she doesn’t see this as me punishing her. I told her all along I’ll always be there for her whatever happens between them and said that again when I sent my reply about the party. Even if we don’t speak again after this, if she contacts me in the future I would speak to her.

PP saying she feels judged are probably right. Her self esteem has been an issue for years and she will find it difficult to take what I say at face value i.e. that I am happy for her & don’t judge her choices. I would feel like a fake though attending a party that he will likely be the life and soul of when I know how he’s behaved and have been so critical of him.

OP posts:

cansu · 21/02/2023 20:33

Yes. I am not sure why you feel the need to be the judge in this scenario. The only people he has wronged seem to be his own family. Refusing to attend the party in such a nasty way is punishing his family. You are telling her pretty clearly that you can't be trusted. I think she is well rid of you. It is a shame she didn't dump him but presumably she has her reasons.

Original poster

kerchow · 21/02/2023 20:50

I don’t feel the need to be the judge, I just have an opinion. I’ve seen who he is and can’t pretend I haven’t. I’ve made that clear to her but haven’t gone on about it and have tried to go back to “normal” with her. He, however, has never addressed it or given me or DH the chance to. I’m not sure how that shows I can’t be trusted? Surely I’d be more untrustworthy if I’d called him a c*nt behind his back and turned up a party and started drinking his champagne?

OP posts:

Emptycrackedcup · 21/02/2023 20:56

I understand how you feel about him, I have been in a similar situation. It's hard to act normal around someone you don't like or respect. I think you should continue to reach out to your friend, suggest doing things 1:1. She is probably very sad and lonely.

cansu · 21/02/2023 20:59

I am sure that when your friend confided in you, it was in confidence and that she wasn't expecting to have to deal with your opinions or feelings about her husband. After how you have reacted to this invitation, I am sure she would never confide in you again. I think you are being judgemental. The party is their child's 18th. Anyway, you clearly feel completely justified in telling her your opinions. It just seems like a very odd way to treat a friend. Maybe you weren't that close anyway??

Isahlo · 21/02/2023 21:02

@kerchow i actually think he’s abusive and has still got a hold on her. He wants her to be isolated, to have no support, for him to be the only person she has
then he can have the affairs. Do the dirty, and treat her like shit, she’s got no one on her team. He wins

you don’t have to do anything you don’t want, you’re a grown adult and you need to set your own boundaries for interactions that work for you. But in your situation I’d be sending a follow up, saying you were hasty, and be there. Because it’s not about him. It’s about your friend knowing she’s still got a team
one day she will leave, she will find courage

I was in a similar situation some ten years ago.

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