Moving back abroad

[lul37]

My DH and I have been back in London after living abroad for 6 years. We have two DS aged 11 and 14.

I really miss our lifestyle abroad and want to move back again before my older DS starts his gcses. Its been almost two years now since we have been back, so I feel I have given it enough time. But DH says he feels settled and happy and won't consider moving abroad again except if he gets offered a 'good package'.

I work part time in retail and told him I'm happy to go full time now that kids are older.

My question is AIBU to want to move back abroad? He is saying that he is the main breadwinner so he should get to make the decision if we ever move back abroad or not.

I think that, like naming a baby, moving abroad is a "two yeses, one no" type decision.

Your husband shouldn't get to make the decision because he's the main breadwinner. In that sense, if he was the one who wanted to move abroad, he shouldn't be able to force you to just because he's the one bringing in more money.

But if either of you doesn't want to move, then you stay put.

What do your children want to do?

As a fellow ex-expat I sympathise with how you feel. We've lived abroad in a few different locations and I think every day about how much I'd like to go abroad again. We've also been back nearly two years. We might even do it, but my DC are still upper primary. It would be quite disruptive for your older DS and he might push back a bit at that age. But I think if your DH doesn't want to go and he is settled and kind of happy, then that trumps your desire, as it's nothing in particular you want to go back for.
But I honestly understand how you feel, it's very difficult to re-settle back 'home' as you have been changed by your experience.

I live abroad I honestly could never go back to the UK. The lifestyle I live here is on a different level

The UK is such an indoor existance. I feel so couped up when I go back to visit family

Where I live Is so much safer than the UK so I worried much more about my teenage children while I was there than I do now

This has to be the majority decision

What do your teenagers think?

Also post brexit. It's not so easy for them to move abroad once they are adults. So this might be a good opportunity for them

If your DH doesn’t want to go, you can’t go. You have to both want it.

I think it needs not two but three yeses. My friend moved abroad with her (very reluctant) husband and two kids in tow (both early high school pre GCSE) and it was disasterous. Both kids hated it and didn't settle with the move, and her husband really resented being made to move. You all have to be 100% for it I think for it to be successful, and that includes the kids at this age.

YANBU for wanting to move back abroad. You would be unreasonable if you did it despite one of you not wanting to do it.

My kids said they will be happy if they went back to the same school they went to before we moved back, since they still have friends there.

Yes exactly how I feel. Also I grew up in the Middle East and never got used to the cold rainy UK weather. I'm so proud of my kids though they seem to be very adaptable, I wish I could be more like them but I can't help how I feel

I understand your feelings. We’re in the UK on a contract so we have leaving date. I wouldn’t want to stay beyond that.

He may be settled and happy, but you’re not. If you go though, he may not be settled and happy. It’s an impossible situation tbh. He hasn’t said a hard no though, he’s said he’d be open to it if offered a good package, is that something worth looking at more closely?

Yes I know it's about finding a compromise. It's just starting to put a strain on our marriage. When we moved back we thought we could sell our house in the UK and buy a bigger one but we haven't been able to get another mortgage because house prices are sky high. I showed him how much more we could get for our money abroad but he's not convinced yet. Also the package he's looking for -or asking for is quite high and I don't know how long it will take.

I don’t know where you were living before, but things have certainly changed for the worse in a lot of European countries ( from personal experience) and I gather in most Anglophone countries. Rising prices, fuel and energy shortages, increased social disorder, hosing shortages,,problems with health care. First world problems, and they are pretty widespread across the first world.

Housing shortages,,of course. Though hosing too, here and in France and Spain last year!

With respect, the whole living abroad thing probably hinges on your dh career. If he can't make a good career move, your retail job is unlikely to sustain the lifestyle you are wanting. Could you even move back without his job sponsoring you?

I agree it needs to be good for his career in order to move back abroad. He wouldn't necessarily need to sponsor me, just kids if I found a job abroad as well no matter if low paid. However he is where he is now, ie climbed the work the ladder over the years because I enabled him to, as I did the bulk of taking care of the kids when they were young to save in cost of childcare. Not to mention he was the one who wanted to have children in the first place while I was working full time prior to having kids.

My kids said they will be happy if they went back to the same school they went to before we moved back, since they still have friends there.

But do they actively want to move though, or is it a case of 'if you want to move mum, we don't mind so long as we can return to our old school'? Because those are two quite different positions. If they are happily settled in the UK, I don't think you can justify a move, sorry. But if both children really want to move (I.e. 3 people in the family of 4 are unhappy) then there is more reason for your husband to consider a move.

I agree it needs to be good for his career in order to move back abroad. He wouldn't necessarily need to sponsor me, just kids if I found a job abroad as well no matter if low paid. However he is where he is now, ie climbed the work the ladder over the years because I enabled him to, as I did the bulk of taking care of the kids when they were young to save in cost of childcare. Not to mention he was the one who wanted to have children in the first place while I was working full time prior to having kids.
Yes yes all well and good. But regardless of whether you enabled him or not the fact is you can only move if his career enables you to. You acknowledge a move would have to be something that worked for his career as he would be the breadwinner so whether or not you enabled him is irrelevant. Unless you are suggesting he gives up his job and moves to repay you for enabling him and sort of wing it out there

I don't think YABU because I feel the same. Wondering if you have been able to convince your partner yet?