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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another babe who could also have ASD

26 replies

isitreallyfair · 21/02/2023 13:42

I have a dc from a previous relationship, he wasn't diagnosed with ASD until his secondary school which was when I was also diagnosed.
Since then my nephew has been also diagnosed at 9 so there's a lot in our family.
DP is great with my DS but he'd like us to try for a baby.
I have said I think it's too risky because of there being so much ND but DP says I shouldn't think like that and it's a risk he's willing to take and love them regardless.
I'm not sure I'd have wanted to be born with my ASD as a risk someone wanted to take though as I find it very tough to navigate life this way.
DP keeps bringing it up though.
AIBU to bring a new baby into the world knowing full well the likelihood of ASD.

OP posts:
Original poster
isitreallyfair · 21/02/2023 13:42

Baby not babe

OP posts:
NotAnotherBathBomb · 21/02/2023 13:44

Obviously it’s a personal choice, but I wouldn’t. I’m neurodiverse and am not even having one. Looking after myself is enough.

FabFitFifties · 21/02/2023 13:50

I'd say a definite no, feeling as you do. I may be wrong, but if your next child is ND you'll feel very guilty,based on your OP. Does your partner have any children if his own?

Lockheart · 21/02/2023 13:52

It's a tough one OP. If it is highly likely (and I don't know about ASD and genetic propensities) then I suppose for me I'd ask myself "Would I be prepared and do we have the resources to care for a child who has very profound ASD, what sort of life could I give them, and how would it impact on my current child?"

The main hurdle I would personally have is that ASD is of course a spectrum and your new child could fall anywhere along it from barely affected to needing 24/7 care for life, so I would start from the most extreme end and consider if I was prepared for that.

If your son and your nephew are not on that end of the spectrum then your DP may not be going into this with his eyes open. Has he done much reading around how ASD can present at its most severe?

Is there any research on how likely it would be or are there any professionals you could talk to?

Original poster
isitreallyfair · 21/02/2023 13:52

FabFitFifties · 21/02/2023 13:50

I'd say a definite no, feeling as you do. I may be wrong, but if your next child is ND you'll feel very guilty,based on your OP. Does your partner have any children if his own?

No he doesn't have any dc.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 21/02/2023 13:55

I have one with asd, adhd, and a moderate learning disability. I also have asd, partner has adhd.
DC2 is completely neurotypical.

That said it's a risk, and it's your own choice yanbu either way.

Original poster
isitreallyfair · 21/02/2023 14:04

I haven't found bringing my ds up particularly challenging even with ASD perhaps I understood what he was experiencing as I was experiencing life the same.
I definitely have it milder that ds, we don't know if he will ever support himself so may well be at home forever.
For me it's more socially awkwardness and sensory issues.
DP doesn't have any neurodivergence at all and is happy to take care of us.
It's just from the child perspective that I know I wouldn't be here given the choice but I was loved and cared for.
My biggest concern is that other than aging parents I don't have any support other than DP, I've never had a circle of friends so I'm completely dependent on DP emotionally and his lovely family are there too.

OP posts:
FabFitFifties · 21/02/2023 14:05

I hope you don't feel you need to agree to save your relationship OP. Another child might actually sink it anyway. I'd be prioritising the wellbeing of the child you have, and your own wellbeing. That might sound selfish, but I don't think it is, in your position. I know some families with 1 ND child and other NT children, but I also know a lot of families with 2 ND children - often with quite different needs. You are speaking from a very well informed position. Listen to your head.

amusedbush · 21/02/2023 14:07

I'm autistic and I don't want kids because I know I wouldn't be able to cope. I can barely function at a surface level as it is, I wouldn't add a likely-autistic child to that.

It's a crap-shoot though. My dad is clearly autistic, as was his dad, and so am I but my younger brother is NT. I also know someone who is NT and both of her children have ASD and incredibly high support needs - she hasn't slept in a decade and her kids will never live independently. I'd say you should only roll the dice if you really, really want another baby.

Herroyal · 21/02/2023 14:10

I wouldn't. I know someone who has 4 boys ALL autistic and her entire life is , and will always be, dealing with that and not being able to work. I do wonder what she and her DH were thinking when they decided to keep trying for a child without autism - which is what they did.

Herroyal · 21/02/2023 14:13

And if that sounds harsh - she has 2 who are entirely non - verb, 2 who are verbal but are in special schools. It's unlikely that any of the boys will lead an independent life of any kind.

Daftasabroom · 21/02/2023 14:14

DS1 has ASC, DS2 is NT (maybe ADHD) for what it's worth. So it doesn't necessarily follow that number 2 follows number 1.

Pearsandclocks · 21/02/2023 14:15

It’s really is a difficult decision. My eldest is severely autistic diagnosed at 3 years old, as is my nephew. By the time he was 4 we’d decided definitely no more but then I changed my mind and I fell pregnant was he was 6. I was really worried but after my 20 week scan and finding out we were having a girl I was less worried. Even though she was very behind meeting milestones and didn’t utter a sound until she was 3 I knew that she wasn’t autistic. She’s 17 now. When she was 5 months I fell pregnant again. A bit of a shock to say the least. That baby is now 16 doesn’t have autism either. Life was chaotic for a while there at the beginning though with 2 babies and an 8 year old that needed as much care as the babies did. My eldest is an adult now and as much as I love him life is a constant worry. He needs watching 24/7 and needs support with all aspects of personal care and eating. I think feeling as you do you’ve already decided.

SouthCountryGirl · 21/02/2023 14:18

Herroyal · 21/02/2023 14:10

I wouldn't. I know someone who has 4 boys ALL autistic and her entire life is , and will always be, dealing with that and not being able to work. I do wonder what she and her DH were thinking when they decided to keep trying for a child without autism - which is what they did.

I used to have a friend who had 6 children. Her, her ex (father to 5 youngest) and the 5 youngest all had Autism. Her eldest has mental health problems. I do wonder why they kept having children.

BogRollBOGOF · 21/02/2023 14:28

At the point I was tempted to have a DC3, I just knew that DS1 had been a hard-work toddler and the toddler years (from 10m to 5y and counting) DS2 was very different, and the one you had to watch hawk-like before he disappeared too high up a tree. It was the difficulties of pregnancy and birth that stopped me rushing in, then the realisation that at 3/ 5, life was getting slightly easier and I didn't want to go back there.

I didn't know about the autism at that point, and I'm glad that I stopped when I did. Although DS is "high functioning" and attends mainstream school, there is a big toll on family life and his happiness. Another sibling would add its own demands, and more so if they were autistic too.

Every child is loved and brings its own value to a family, but it is OK to say enough, things are good as they are and not play roulette at bringing another personality into the mix. More so when the odds of additional needs are elevated.

Original poster
isitreallyfair · 21/02/2023 14:33

FabFitFifties · 21/02/2023 14:05

I hope you don't feel you need to agree to save your relationship OP. Another child might actually sink it anyway. I'd be prioritising the wellbeing of the child you have, and your own wellbeing. That might sound selfish, but I don't think it is, in your position. I know some families with 1 ND child and other NT children, but I also know a lot of families with 2 ND children - often with quite different needs. You are speaking from a very well informed position. Listen to your head.

I suppose there is a part of me that worries he will resent me if we don't have a child, but I've given him a stepson who he loves.
He is desperate for a baby and I just don't know if it's fair, the more I think it through the more I don't know.
If I take DPs feelings out of the equation I don't have any great desire to have another and it hadn't crossed my mind I would but then I'm not completely opposed to the idea either.
When someone wants one thing so much and it's down to you to make that decision it's tough.

OP posts:
IncessantNameChanger · 21/02/2023 14:35

I had four kids before I found out our ND is most definitely genetic. I have one very unhappy but very gifted young adult, one thriving inna sen school who is predicted to get to uni, one very happy but severely disabled dc and one just on the diagnostic cut off point with ASD. I'd not wish them away. I think it's time for me to get tested too. Live your life. There is no other path options and my kids are wonderful and should succeed. But if you mean dealing with education and services, I'm past done of living that side of life. I'm also tired of not being honest in case I offend anyone. I would love to say it would be easier if we was all NT.

Original poster
isitreallyfair · 21/02/2023 14:39

tired of not being honest in case I offend anyone. I would love to say it would be easier if we was all NT.
With you here.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 21/02/2023 14:58

I was told ASD passes more down the paternal line.

There are no guarantees in life regardless.

HoodieBell · 21/02/2023 15:16

I'm autistic and have 3 autistic children. I'd say you have a 50/50 chance as the father will be NT.

AllOfThemWitches · 21/02/2023 15:19

Autism can be severe, is your partner willing to look after another human for the rest of his life?

Fundays12 · 21/02/2023 15:22

I have 3 dcs. One is nuerodiverse and has ASD and ADHD. The other 2 are nuerotypical. I was already pregnant with dc2 by the time it became apparent DC1 was nuerodiverse. Dc3 was a gorgeous surprise. We had decided to stop at 2 because of DC1 being nuerodiverse and very very challenging.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 21/02/2023 16:40

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/02/2023 14:58

I was told ASD passes more down the paternal line.

There are no guarantees in life regardless.

I know a woman with 2 children by 2 different fathers, both autistic, quite high needs.

Sure it could have come through both dads but still.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 21/02/2023 16:45

Also OP, what drives it home further for me are the countless posts on here (there's a live on now on Parenting) from mothers struggling with several SEN kids and no support.

You say your DH is promising to look after you all, but it's not a certainty, especially if there are severe needs.

Daleksatemyshed · 21/02/2023 18:30

Maybe it would help Op if you looked at his another way. If your DC is now at secondary school then you've been through all the baby/toddler/young child years - would you really want to go back and do it all again for you or would you just be doing it for your DH?
I think if your DC is going to need your support for years to come then you already have a lot to content with, if you really wanted another DC then yes, go ahead, but you don't sound as if you do. Don't let your DH twist your arm if it's not what you want