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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s sad he couldn’t give his ex a baby

27 replies

mandy20256 · 21/02/2023 13:14

Please can someone tell me if I’m being unfair or wrong to think this way.
me and my partner have been together 3 years and we are expecting our first child together.
I have two children from previous relationships.
He tried to have baby with his ex but had many failed IVF attempts.
we have gone through ivf for this pregnancy. I’ve never had fertility problems.
we had a conversation about how his ex would feel that we are pregnant, he replied that he would be hurt if she was pregnant because he couldn’t give her that.
is that hun saying he wished he had a baby with her? Or just because of what they went through. I am feeling really upset about it

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 21/02/2023 13:19

I'd need to ask him if he meant if she had become pregnant before you or if she became pregnant after you.

Was their fertility issues the reason why the relationship ended?

I would expect him to feel strange if she easily conceived with another man but as a man having a baby with you, I don't understand why he'd feel that now.

GarlicGrace · 21/02/2023 13:23

I thought it sounds like he's coming to terms with the fact that their infertility was at least partly due to the male factor. You'll have to ask him, obviously!

Congratulations, btw.

Trisolaris · 21/02/2023 13:25

It sounds like he is being empathetic about the fact that it is likely to be hard for her by recognising if the tables were reversed and she was the one pregnant he would probably feel inadequate - ie she can get pregnant by someone else but he couldn’t get her pregnant so he was the problem.

GCAcademic · 21/02/2023 13:27

we had a conversation about how his ex would feel that we are pregnant, he replied that he would be hurt if she was pregnant because he couldn’t give her that.

So you’re anticipating his ex being hurt by the news that you’re pregnant, but would expect your husband to be fine with it if it was the other way around?

GoldDuster · 21/02/2023 13:35

Many failed IVF attempts will have been painful for them both to deal with. He lived through that, he's not a slate you can wipe clean, and this doesn't take away from the baby you're having with him, he's just showing that he's human!

Don't take it personally!

TeaAndTattoos · 21/02/2023 13:35

Sounds to me like he is saying that his ex
may potentially be upset because your pregnant and that’s one thing that he couldn’t give his ex and probably also thinking that if it was her who had fallen pregnant by someone else then he would be to blame for the reason why they couldn’t have a child together which is fair enough no one wants to think they where the reason why they couldn’t have children with their ex. He’s definitely not saying that he wishes he had a baby with his ex.

Branleuse · 21/02/2023 13:45

Its not always easy to accept that peoples previous relationships were not always universally terrible before we waltzed in. They were in a relationship and both really wanted a baby terribly. There might always be a bit of a weird feeling there. I would try not to overthink it, and understand that that would have been an incredibly difficult time and might be why their relationship ultimately broke down.

amylou8 · 21/02/2023 13:49

I'd take that as he'd be hurt if his ex was pregnant because someone else did the job that he couldn't, not that he wishes he had a baby with her.

falsepromises · 21/02/2023 14:25

Myself and my ex had a miscarriage many many years ago. It should have been the first baby for both of us. We had lots of plans and names and a vision of how our baby would be and the future we would have with them. I left him a few years later because I fell out of love with him and we remained good friends. I married and have 3 teen/grown up children of my own and a very happy life. He stayed single for 15 years before meeting a lovely lady and they now have a very young daughter. I feel sad every time I see photos of him with her. Because that should have been our life. I do not want to be with him and do not regret my choice to leave, but we had the plans and to see him do them without me is bittersweet. He did tell me years ago it made him feel sad to see me with my children and with them growing up but I did not fully understand. I think its fully normal. Something you wanted so so badly at one point and now its happening without you. Even if you are now onto something more suited to you or that makes you happier/just as happy. You still spent hours wishing the first thing would happen so its sad to see someone else get it and live it.

falsepromises · 21/02/2023 14:27

(sad when I see him with his daughter, not with his wife. She is lovely and they are very well suited)

KimberleyClark · 21/02/2023 14:29

GoldDuster · 21/02/2023 13:35

Many failed IVF attempts will have been painful for them both to deal with. He lived through that, he's not a slate you can wipe clean, and this doesn't take away from the baby you're having with him, he's just showing that he's human!

Don't take it personally!

This.

ItchyBillco · 21/02/2023 14:41

he replied that he would be hurt if she was pregnant because he couldn’t give her that

Hmm. That is an odd thing to say. Why would he be hurt that she was happy and moved on and able to have a child? He’s having one with you, so why would he be sad?

Riverlee · 21/02/2023 15:07

By the fact that you were talking about his ex, the conversation was bound not to go well, and I think whatever he said may have upset you.

If they went through ivf, then they had a rough road. She obviously wanted a baby and for whatever reason, they couldn’t have one. If she does get pregnant by someone else, then he probably feels he let her down.

I wouldn’t overthink this. You were talking about his ex, so he was bound to dwell on the past. And that’s what it is, the past. Everyone has history.

congratulations on your pregnancy.

martha4clark · 21/02/2023 17:21

I think he is being empathetic and kind, both lovely qualities. He is sad that at that time in that relationship, they couldn't have a baby; but their lives have moved on now, and he is with you and happy to be having a family. He can't erase his past and at the time he must have loved her to have been with her. Don't worry about it OP. Focus on your life together now and your baby.

KindlyKanga · 21/02/2023 17:27

we had a conversation about how his ex would feel that we are pregnant, he replied that he would be hurt if she was pregnant because he couldn’t give her that.

  1. I wouldn't ever initiate a conversation like that. Why do you care how she'd feel?
  2. I think that's fair enough. They went through a lot.
Desmondo2021 · 21/02/2023 17:39

I have been in a similar position in that my husband was suspected to be infertile and, with his first wife several rounds of IVF had resulted in no pregnancy. She had one natural conception which sadly ended in miscarriage. We started trying in a laid back way, I already had children and he had long made his peace with not having any. I conceived on the second month which was obviously our dreams come true. We jointly handled his concern and sensitivity around how she would feel. I encouraged him to go and tell her in person but he chose to do it on a phone call. At no point did I feel uncomfortable about his concern for her, if anything it made me love him more because it showed what a jolly awesome bloke he is.

DoNotGetADog · 21/02/2023 17:41

Basically, it was an unwise conversation to be having and there was no need for it. You seem like you were happy enough to think about how she might be hurt by your pregnancy. It’s nothing to do with his ex and shouldn’t have been brought up.

Given that it was, what he said was not unreasonable at all - it’s the truth as far as he is concerned.

If you are not prepared for a question to be answered honestly, then it’s best not to ask it.

GoodChat · 21/02/2023 17:42

You know how difficult IVF is. Of course it'll be bittersweet for him and sad for her.

ourflagmeansdeath · 21/02/2023 17:57

No, YABU. He's simply being empathetic to be honest - of course he'll be thrilled to have a baby with you, but he's obviously more sad in feeling for his ex. It does ignite memories, does not mean he wants a baby with her specifically, just sad he couldn't give her a child due to his problems not hers.

CharlotteRose90 · 21/02/2023 18:10

Ofcourse she’ll be sad if she founds out. To her and him a baby was all they ever wanted and I’m guessing maybe they split because of it. Now he’s with you and you’re pregnant it will be a kick in the teeth and I bet he feels guilty he couldn’t give her one. Doesn’t mean theres still feelings but part of him will always care and that’s normal. I couldn’t give my ex kids and he’s now had one with his new partner. It hit me like a ton of bricks but its fine now I got over it.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/02/2023 18:34

You sound like you're looking for things to get upset about. Be glad you've never had fertility problems and stop thinking and talking about his ex. You actually had kids with two exes and he's presumably not letting that upset him.

Original poster
mandy20256 · 21/02/2023 19:03

1 ex but yeah

OP posts:
CinnamonSodaPop · 21/02/2023 19:05

It's not exactly the same but--- I ended a long term relationship with a lovely guy because I fell out of love with him. I am now happy with my husband. However, when the first guy met a new girl, got married and had a child, I felt sad. I never wanted to get back with him, and am happy where I am, but I still felt pangs when he moved on and was happy. I still felt sad/bittersweet about what was lost, even while I knew it was right that we split and I didn't regret the split. It sounds counter-intuitive but I think it is normal.

Him saying that doesn't mean he feels less about your baby or that he wishes he was with his ex etc. He still went through that previous pain and can feel sad about how it turned out. It doesn't impact his love or commitment to you.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/02/2023 19:14

mandy20256 · 21/02/2023 19:03

1 ex but yeah

Apologies. You did say plural -

I have two children from previous relationships.

allotta · 21/02/2023 20:03

Good! He obviously had a good relationship with her. None of this "my ex was a crazy woman" nonsense. Always look at how he's treating at ex because that one day could be you.

This is a good a sign that he's a kind and empathetic person, who knows this will probably hurt her very deeply. It doesn't mean you need to be jealous.

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