Not sure what to feel about widowed friend - trigger warning

[user1188]

So I have been friends with her for about 7 years. We became really good friends quite quickly - both with her and her husband and myself and my husband. Regularly went to each others houses, had mutual friends etc. it was a lovely lovely friendship group which valued a lot. She has a DS who got in great with my dc too.

I became pregnant and asked her to be the god mother to my child which she accepted. She was absolutely over the moon and doted on my daughter. It brought our friendship closer together and we began doing everything together.

Very very sadly her Dh passed away, he became ill and passed away within 3 months. Absolutely horrific time. Both myself and my husband were there for her as much as we possibly could be and continued to be for months after. I helped her daily as much as I could and my husband (who works in construction) finished off some much needed jobs to do in the house. We took her DS on days out, had him for sleepovers etc.

About 6 months after this, covid hit and she sort of disappeared. She stopped responding to messages. A few of us in the friendship group became quite worried but we felt this was part of her grieving process and let her be. Just sending the odd message to say we were here and hoped she was ok. It was lockdown so that's all we pretty much could do anyway.

It's been 4.5 years since her husband passed and she has now gone onto find a new partner, lives with him and his dc. I only know what I see on social media which I appreciate is in no way reality but she seems settled. I'm so happy for her.

Meanwhile I sadly separated from my husband. My friend got word of this and asked me what had gone on. I replied and never heard back from her. I really valued her friendship and I was hoping she could of been there for me in some way. I asked if she would be free for a coffee but no reply. It did hurt, I would never compare our situations but I was there for her daily in her time of need but maybe it was too painful for her for some reason?

I don't post much on social media but when I do, she will always comment and 'like' whatever I put yet never respond to any messages. Her comments will always be 'my beautiful god daughter' etc etc....that she hasn't seen for 3 years.

Anyway a couple of months ago I bumped into her one night in a restaurant. She got up and gave me a huge hug and said we must meet up, it's lovely to see me etc etc....

So it was my child's (her his daughters) birthday coming up, I decided to send her a what's app to invite her (no idea of her address) and her partners dc to the party. I sent her a picture of the invite and said it would be lovely if she could make it. I put an rsvp on the invite and made it clear I needed to know if her and the kids would be coming as it was a party I needed to book spaces for.

The message was read and she never replied.

The party came and my sister took some photos and put them on fb and tagged me in them. Within 10 minutes of this, my friend WhatsApp'ed me explaining she was so sorry she didn't come, they were going too but had some sort of last minute emergency and couldn't make it - despite her not replying in the first place.

If she would of turned up, I would of had to pay for an extra 4 kids as she didn't reply in the first place. I also didn't accommodate party bags for them either. So this annoyed me. However I knew she was never really coming and that message was an excuse.

In the message, she stated that she had a present for my daughter and was I available on a certain day. I genuinely wasn't available on this day so I replied and said I couldn't but she could pop by whenever and it would be lovely to see her. She hasn't replied.

Would I be right in thinking that the possibility of seeing us now is just too hard? I completely understand if this is the case - we were joint friends with her husband too. Maybe we are her past life and now she has a new partner - she has to leave us behind? I'm just trying to understand.

I'm so sorry if this upsets anyone, it's not my intention at all.

Sadly I think the friendship is over OP. It's really hard but it seems like she's moved on and, for whatever reason, doesn't see you as a close friend now. It's sad that she hasn't seen her god daughter for 3 years, but this certainly isn't unheard of - we're not in touch with one of my DD's godparents any more - no big falling out, we've just drifted apart.

I would draw a line under this and stop contacting her.

It sounds like she's moved on with her life and has no room for either you or her god-daughter.

In your shoes, I wouldn't keep trying. If she actually wants to meet up, let her pursue that.

You could also consider tweaking your social media settings so she doesn't see your updates (it would annoy me if she tried to pretend to be in your DD's life when she's not).

Some folk are shit friends. She's one of them.

I think so too and I understand. It's just sad as I really valued the friendship - not one that you find often!

I won't message her again, I don't message her at all now to be fair. It just sends mixed signals when she would comment on a picture of my dd and yet doesn't seem to have any interest in contacting us.

I felt when she messaged me to ask what had happened with my husband, she just wanted the gossip but wasn't actually interested in being there for me.

The door is always open but I won't be trying anymore. The only reason I invited her to the party was because I ran into her the weeks before and she seemed really keen to meet up.

I'd say she potentially still finds it all too painful. You will all be a painful reminder of what she had. But she should be able to tell you that instead of practically ghosting you. I'd let her be, grief does crazy things to people but her leaving you hanging again and again is unfair.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, the new life she's got might not be all that rosy and she might genuinely miss you and want to meet up, but something is getting in the way.

Try not to take it personally, I know that's hard, but it's something going on with her, not you. If the social media thing is tricky, you're under no obligation to keep that line open.

Exactly and this is what I'm trying to remember. I saw first hand what she went through for months after her husband passed - I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I suppose I just became her protective of her and her son and it was hard to lose that.

That being said, people still regularly ask me how she is and obviously I have no idea now. I explained the whole party thing to another friend the other day and she almost made me feel bad for being annoyed at the party situation.

I don't have many friendships from my first marriage, I have people from before, people from after, but not really the ones we made as a couple.

I see his mum and brothers occasionally. The friendships were just so hard and emotional. I will say though, I never behaves as your former friend has done. I certainly wasn't as close to any of them are this friendship is for you.

After my son died I essentially ghosted everyone I was close to at that time.

It was hard seeing the pity on their faces, it was difficult to talk about anything relating to the past as all the memories involved my son, I needed to do what I could to get through that period, I even occasionally ahd the best intention to try with the friendships again but I just couldn't. It was selfish of me, but if I wasn't selfish I wouldn't have carried on with life.

I would just stop trying, for your own sake op. She needs to protect herself to keep moving on, but you need to protect yourself from being hurt again too.

I wouldn't let her see anymore of your social media posts. Whether that means removing her or changing your privacy settings so she doesn't see your updates depends on the SM platform I guess.

I wouldn't give her the time of day. She gives herself a pat on the back when she pretends she would have come to a party or says she has a present for her DGD. Don't let her do it anymore.

I'd be assessing this friendship with the friend who made you feel bad, chances are she is not the friend you think she is.

Forget about the friendship and don't respond to her messages anymore.

Do you think she and your Ex could have had an affair op?
Her actions reek of guilt to me, but maybe I'm off?

I'm not sure how she is protecting herself by saying she has a present for her god daughter and then not wanting to post it or arrange to drop it off or for OP to pick it up. There never was a present.

No absolutely not.

Probably not, she was probably going to get one on the way,then couldn't bring herself to do it last minute.

I have sympathy for her, it's a hard place to be, but that doesn't mean that op should have to keep trying or even forgive her.

I think this is the way. We truly never know what is really happening in peoples' lives and I don't know about anyone else, but I find myself shocked over and over again in life on those occasions where it comes out what's been going on with someone, and you'd never have known.

Sending love OP, it sounds like you've had such a tough time in recent years. I agree with the PP I've quoted, to try not to take it personally and maybe just let time do its thing. The friendship might fizzle completely, or something might get illuminated further down the line. Just keep the door open for her, if you're inclined to.

I think she sees you as a reminder of her past life and finds it painful to be around you. That's how I've read it anyway I can sort of understand I've lost three of my children and there are certain people I find remind me of that painful time so I distanced myself.

So basically it's not you, it's her.

I've never really been angry or hurt at her distancing herself from me and my dd. I've been as understanding and respectful as I can by completely distancing myself from her. It's just the mixed messages from her side have been confusing for me. I wouldn't of invited her to the party had I not seen her in the weeks previous.

The part where I am annoyed is the lie of 'we were coming but we had an emergency'. The invite was clear that spaces needed to be booked and I needed to know by a date - this is common knowledge of kids and these type of birthday parties. I found it rude to just think that she could turn up to such a party where I had not booked them on, accommodated food for and had party bags prepared for 4 extra children (he has 3 dc). I know this was a lie anyway but I just felt like a bit of a 'mug' really.

Explaining this to my other friend who said something along the lines of 'you can't be mad at her after what she's been through'

It just made me think and it's stuck with me.

My door is open for her if she ever wants it but I'm happy to keep the distance for now. I don't think we could ever be as close as we were as I have my own boundaries to think of too.

I thought this. You're a painful reminder through absolutely no fault of your own. Sorry OP

I really don't think this is a likely scenario.

OP, I would recommend a clean break.

I feel for you OP. I've had a friend disappear on me recently. I was there for her through serious health issues, divorce, family upheaval and two bereavements. I had a bereavement 6 months ago and apart from one phonecall, she's absolutely nowhere to be seen. She has done the same to another friend of hers, just dropped her like a stone. I do agree that we don't really know what goes on in people's lives and it's definitely her, not me. Still knocks you a bit though

Do you think that your friend moved on relatively quickly and feels as if others (you included) might judge her? Personally I wouldn't and probably you wouldn't too, but people do judge widows and expect them to feel guilty for feeling happy again.

Possibly - pp posted about my ex having an affair with her but I know this didn't happen for a number of reasons. One being her now partner was on the scene pretty quickly though just as a friend.

However i know if I were to look back at old messages between us, I was supportive. I didn't necessarily agree but I definitely didn't give her any sort of backlash towards it. I was more worried about her mental health at the time. She missed having a man around the house though.

Years later and they are still together. I have wondered if maybe it could be the partner who possibly has an issue with my friend keeping in contact with her friends from the past. But I could be way off with that. I've never really met him properly so it's impossible to say.

Filter your Facebook posts or simply unfriend or even block her. I had a similar situation with a friend who ghosted me (though she probably tells it differently). She disappeared when I was going through a difficult time, she didn't reply to any of my messages (WhatsApp, email) but still liked and commented on Facebook posts! So I filtered my posts so she can't see those ones now. Protect yourself and move on.