To go away with my 4 year old twins on my own

[areweonabreak]

My DH is driving me crazy and I need a break away from him. We have 4 year old twins. Having twins later in life has put an enormous strain on our marriage (we also did 6 years of IVF). I do the bulk of the work, 100% of the mental load, school lunches, forms, parties, uniforms, meals - everything. DH does the shopping and some of the washing.

He isn't lazy but doesn't have a natural instinct for what needs to be done.

One of our twins was up in the night, very unusual for them but they went back to sleep at 4am. My other twin was up at 6am. By 7am I told my DH to get TW1 out of bed as they needed breakfast etc and to get ready for school.

It comes to 7.20am and they still aren't up, so as usual I go upstairs to sort it myself. DH said DT1 won't get out of bed!!!! I was so frustrated I just shouted at him, FFS just pick her up she's 4!!!!! Make her get out of bed, this isn't a negotiation! So he picks her up and she cries - for like a minute and then settles down to have her breakfast. Honestly is it really that hard?

Recently I've been looking to just get away for a week just me & the kids. I've been looking at last minute deals at center parcs (which is just 20 minutes away from us)

Having our twins has been hard, but also DH now works from home full time. I know some people love it but I don't and it's definitely had a detrimental affect on DH's mental health. It's not good for us to spend so much time together surely? He enjoys running and going to the local park run as well as a running club but he doesn't have any friends as such that he could go out for a drink with.

AIBU to think that a week apart would do us both good?

Yanbu to want some mental and physical space.

I think it may be wise to use the time and space to come up with some things that you need, from him, to improve family life. Then when you get back, set aside some time to air your grievances.

a week away with your twins would be lovely, I am a single mum to one and he and I have been away together many times since he was 3, it’s fab! Appreciate its harder with twins though!

however, it sounds like you’d be coming home after just a few days to the same problems. It will solve nothing, and it will take a big chunk from the family finances. Would it also make your dh feel excluded? Wouldn’t he want to go too?

i think you’d be better off working on your marriage problems, maybe spend some money on online marriage counselling sessions instead? You’d be much happier in the long run if you felt less resentful of your dh and the two of you felt like a team

I’d do it unless doing so causes financial difficulty.

but also DH now works from home full time. I know some people love it but I don't and it's definitely had a detrimental affect on DH's mental health.
I can’t stress how much I hate it when DH works from home and he hates it too. If the kids are home and he’s working he basically has to ignore us all which is difficult for all of us - the DC get upset at why he’s ignoring them, I feel frustrated that he can hear me needing help and not responding and he finds the constant interruption annoying. Plus he’s in a much better mood when he gets his exercise in every day and sitting in front of the screen from the moment he wakes up is not healthy. Thankfully he doesn’t need to do it that often but I think it would nearly break us if it was permanent unless we had a massive house and he could have his own floor.

Time apart is one thing, but as someone who’s been to CP a few times, it’s not where I would go with two four year olds by myself, especially for a week. It’s a long time to spend by yourself in a sea of families. And practically speaking it’s hard to take two little ones in the massive pool complex alone and there’s only so much time you can spend walking/scooting the paths and playing at the playground, I get sick of the place after a long weekend. It might be different if you’re willing to pay for lots of activities, but I’m not!

I suspect you’re hoping he’ll miss you and appreciate you - what happens if actually he decides he enjoys the peace and quiet?

Is there any way you can get away alone for a bit and let him actually take over the kids for a few days and just have to do the mental load stuff?

I’m really sorry but I think ywnbu to go away on your own for space, but if dh suddenly said he wanted to go on a fun holiday without me? I’d be gutted, especially given their age. You obviously do need time apart, as in either or both of you need to get out more, and you need to talk to him about how much you do, the only thing I’d say is is he lazy or have you always taken everything on? You saying ffs because he couldn’t get your child out of bed- well my dh is more capable than me in a lot of ways, but he wouldn’t make me feel like an idiot if I couldn’t do something. I was talking to a friend of mine who said she’d probably have to clean her bathroom again because her dh didn’t do it properly, she listed what he didn’t do and I was thinking but so many people would never do that! So it depends if you expect too much (and no I don’t mean he should do nothing, but if you want a person’s standards to be sky high all the time then that’s an issue

We're definitely not rolling in cash, we have less than £2k in savings (after my car broke and cost us £4k to fix), we'd have to put it on the credit card. The reason I'm thinking Center Parcs is that we know it, and it is less than 20 minute drive from home, so if it does all go wrong we're not far from home.

I hear you - ivf twin mummy here. Absolutely privilege to be a mummy but twins are a very different experience to singletons and the journey of infertility does change even the strongest of marriages in good and bad ways.

A trip away would be fab but wont change things long term. Some honest conversations with husband might be needed? Explain how you need more support and what he can do to make family life better for you. My OH is fab but didn't 'get' certain things and the effort i was making until we had some firm conversations where I set out what they needed to do to step up and how it would make life better.

Also, wfh full time probably is taking a toll on him. Maybe suggest joining a local sport group in addition to running? or try taking the twins to parties etc to make dad friends so he can build his own network to go to pub or whatever with.

I took our twins away just for a weekend recently solo and it was lovely. It also gave OH some time to 'reset'.

thank you for your reply, it's always good to hear from a fellow twin mum.

I feel like we both need a reset button. I cope with them far better than he does. He's in his early 50's now. He's just started a new role in which the majority of people he speaks to are in the US, so when the kids finish nursery and it's dinner time then bath time he can still be on a work call. You know that life with twins is never quiet, they're either screaming with excitement or crying.

To be honest a weekend away would be better, but the prices at the weekend are so much more, which is why I was thinking during the week.

We do need to have a sit down for a good talk, I'm sure there are things that he doesn't like too that he wants to get off his chest.

wfh full time is horrible. I work 2 days and those days are in the office. I feel so much better having those days out of the house.

If you've got to put it on a credit card, no.

You'll return a week later, to the situation you left. Nothing will have changed, other than your credit card debt will have grown.

Have you had honest conversation with him about how you feel? You sound resentful, which is understandable, this kind of lack of balance in family load is a long slow grind.

Save your money, set out your stall and tell him what you need.

I think its fine but I wouldn't choose center parcs. Returning car to car park etc would be loads of walking for 4 year olds and you can't leave them. I've taken my girls away alone lots and the luxury family hotel brand was brilliant for it (not cheap, but nor is center parcs).

god yeah returning the car is a bloody nightmare isn't it

You are right there will be things he wants to be different too.

interesting he misses out on bath time etc with the twins. After talks with my OH we realised an element of incompetency and jealousy as I am part time, they work full time and miss alot of things. One thing we did to resolve this is on the weekend we each ensure we get one on one time with one twin. The twins love it and we are both feeling more refreshed when we come back together as a family. OH is more competent with the twins now by doing this - just more confident and more involved in family life.

the conversation could be beneficial for both of you!

It is unfortunately. Think about the whole process, like will they be safe whilst you are unloading etc. I don't think center parcs is right as at 4yo it needs a team effort. (I'm there now as it happens). There are lakes, speeding bikes etc.
The swimming is also hard work etc as so busy.
A night away in a Premier Inn might be more affordable option. I think they would be safer at least in a hotel room (not suggesting you leave them).
I went to woolley Grange with my two and had a lovely time. Has a creche etc.

I'm a single parent and I recently took my 4 year old son away on my own cus I just needed to get away from everything! Obviously would be harder with twins but if you think you'd be fine then go for it!
Somewhere with plenty of entertainment for the kids sounds ideal.

But if you cant financially afford it then no I wouldn't encourage it.

do you work op? and how many hours?

yes I work 2 full days per week