What are your phone/tablet rules for pre-teens/teens?

[BreathingDeep]

I would really appreciate some of you sharing your rules on how your kids use phones and tablets at home. What rules do you have to keep them safe?

My youngest two are in Years 6 and 7 (aged 11 and 12), and both have old iPhones of ours and access to tablets.

They don't have SnapChat, TikTok, Instagram or Facebook but they can access YouTube and WhatsApp.

They don't have access to their passwords so they can't download apps themselves. There is screen time set on them so after a particular time, everything turns off.

We try to have devices downstairs overnight, which causes merry hell despite the fact that screen time kicks in and they can't access anything anyway. Occasionally we forget and we need to be 100% on this.

Both children prefer to be on screens to anything else. They play Roblox with friends, watch Youtube shorts and are often playing or watching things on their tablet while talking to people on the phone - either one to one or as a group.

I don't want to take away this connection with their friends, it's been a life saver over the past three years, nor do I want them to feel left out or like things are happening that they're not included in, but I am really worried about the amount of time they spend on their devices and concerned about what they could see and access, despite all the parental controls.

Can I ask, what are your rules around screen use? I know some families don't allow it at all, whereas others are giving complete freedom, but having clashed with the 12 year old a few times lately about how she uses it and when, I think we need some really clear rules so we all know what's OK and what isn't.

So, do you limit your children's usage? Do they have it for a set period of time a day, or a week, and they choose how to use it? If you've limited your child's use, do they miss out on friendships as a result? Do you have days without any online access, and then days where they can go on as much as they like?

Any suggestions most welcome!

By far my biggest tip is all tech downstairs at bedtime, if they get caught with it in their rooms tech removed for week.

Thanks Duck, yes agreed!

I'd say at 11-12 you need to start introducing self regulation, it's a long long haul but they'll soon be 15-16 and if you don't have the basics in place before it will be even harder.
I'd suggest family conference time to explain that as they get older they need to start taking responsibility then use this to agree some rules (most of which you've probably already thought of, but it helps if they have some say/control)

For us
Tech charged downstairs. Non negotiable.
Ad hoc checking of apps and discussing what's going on at least at that age. Technically our "rules" say I can do this to 16 but in reality I eased off before then (but after many many discussions!)
At 12 they could download apps themselves after asking us (you'd get notifications anyway but it means you can discuss before) gradually given them more freedom over coming years.
Agreed time frames - DD likes an hour screen when in from school to decompress but then happy to stop for homework/dinner with a bit more later, whereas at that age DS preferred a longer slot after dinner to game with mates.
Flexibility on turning off - nothing worse than everything shutting down when you're in the middle of something, this also helps them understand natural stopping points in activity as opposed to time limiters, important as they get older.

As you loosen up they will push boundaries so at the same time agree consequences. And then check in after a couple of weeks - is it working, what are the pressure points, and repeat every few weeks. IMO Tech is something you want to be regularly having discussions about like healthy eating, relationships, sex drugs etc. Like I say long haul but latest by 15-16 you want kids that independently understand their screen behaviour/usage - even if they still use it a hell of a lot!

MrsOrange, you're amazing, thank you. This is so, so helpful. Love the idea of 'family conference' and then regularly reviewing it. Much appreciated thank you!

Pleasure!
Good luck, my two are older now and still far too attached (but then so am I) but we always have open discussions about it

Yes @MrsOrange has it right. Very much the same rules for us.

My biggest thing was that the rules can be changed /adapted/negotiated providing it was done politely and sensibly. Eg, time for tech off, sorry mum I'm part way through a match, could I have an extra 15 minutes, yes absolutely as opposed to time for tech off, (shouting) aw what no, I'm in a match, nope sorry.

We're much the same. Phone stays downs stairs after lights out and despite occasional kickback she's ok with this,

Another is while I pay the bill and she's still young I will ad hoc check phone - so messages, browsing history etc. I don't do it often but tend to especially if there's been an odd change in mood as much as can be called odd with a teen. I have before found a WhatsApp pile on where she was borderline getting quite nasty and bullying messages which I screenshot on my phone and kept a watchful eye. It blew over but never the less, some things that were said were vile

I've also had a chat with her about her own digital footprint before and the old never type anything you'd be embarrassed to be read out in assembly after finding messages of her chatting with her crush who she was obviously trying to impress by swearing like a docker which isn't her.

And this ... I think time taken to bed in these healthy habits and going through the occasional pain barriers is worth it.

I have access to my child 's password/accounts/email and will check if I feel the need been going 8 years and no issues, yes can change at any time

School days we limit access until all homework is completed then he's free to do as he pleases. We found the iPad was the most addictive so have pushed him more towards things like VR and Xbox gaming that have more natural end points. Over the school holidays I often have 5 or 6 lads over playing games and we just let them get on with it. To me the big employers of the future are going to be the tech giants so we want him to have as much freedom with it as possible.

I think it's harder with girls as messages between boys although 🤢 aren't bullying.

No tech upstairs.

Ours don't have their own devices (tho will get phone shortly for secondary). They are family devices that they have access too, same way as we have a communal TV.

No screens except for their maths apps during the week. Pretty much unlimited screen time on Saturday (but they are out at activities in the morning), and an hour in the morning on Sunday.

No tiktok or social media apps. They are much happier with strict limits on screen time.

I expect this will get relaxed a bit as they get older but I'm far happier going out hard and gradually relaxing as I know I can trust them - it's a genie that can't be put back into the bottle.

Agree with a PP who said that negitiation possible if they are polite!

Well done you for the tech downstairs. It's tough, but the difference between children who have access to their phone overnight is easily visible (when you have 25 of the little loves staring blankly at you in a classroom!)

Mine wont be allowed a phone til year 7 and then it will be an old fashioned one. And not to be used for after school chats as that where so much bullying takes place. Dont care if they miss out, they can catch up at school.
Tablets are a holiday traveling treat only. They can watch TV but a balanced amount. They can play switch when theyve done all their have to's and not been badly behaved. They can play on our phones sometimes eg towards the end of a meal out if theyre getting restless or in the car on the way back from an activity.
Youtube is only allowed on thr tv as it's a total rabbit hole and can lead to horrible videos.
No sm until maybe they are in highschool, but then it'll be very monitored by us.

@Carouselfish I don't agree, missing out is massive to teens, bullying happens everywhere, it will still happen on SM even if they don't have a phone. Many schools expect homework to be done on an app and a surprisingly large amount expect phone to be used in class (I don't agree with this)

They say things over whatsapp they would never say face to face.

DH and I were talking about this ... when we were that age and a friend annoyed you say on the walk home from school you would probably go home grumpy, stomp around but then get on with your evening then wake up the next day either "water under the bridge " about it and move on or, you'd have simmered all night and have a go at them. But there would have been that break from each other which can be helpful.

Now every unfiltered thought is pinged via one messaging app or another.

1. The devices are mine. They get to use them.

1. That means that I get to randomly look at everything and anything whenever and wherever.

1. I track screen time via family sharing. We talk if something changes

1. Internet is blocked on all children's devices at 9pm school nights. Not my grade 12 child who studies late.

1. Using screen time on the iPhones I've blocked photographs from being taken after dinner. I can turn back on if they/we have an outing but it just removes the chances that they will be tempted to take 'bad' pictures when tired.

1. Devices do not go in bathrooms.

1. No audiobooks or music while walking or scooting. This especially applies to my kiddo with hearing aides as he wants to have an audiobook all the time, it doesn't require headphones, and I need him to focus properly on traffic.

1. Answer calls from parents as soon as possible. Yes. Really. Even if you need to hang up from talking to a friend and then call them back.

1. Find my iPhone and other tracking stays ON at all times. Turn it off at your peril

10. YouTube is on family tv only.

11. No social media without discussion. Regular check ins to ensure safety and sensible behaviour on all platforms.

It is an evolving conversation. I don't care what was agreed with a different child 3 years ago, we make agreements for use based on current circumstances.

In practice, I rarely touch the 16yo's devices and while I don't like all he does it isn't harmful. 14yo and I have some deep convos about language use in group chats and why sexualised language is a problem. 13yo (only girl) struggles the most with self regulation so has the most locked down device. 11yo has had own phone (upgrade from ancient iPad) for only a few weeks. He is the first of his peers to have one so it's mostly for audiobooks and family communication.

All the kids use laptops for schoolwork. 14yo also uses his for D&D - he continued to dungeon master via zoom when he was I'll for 4 months last year. I allowed discord for him as it helped keep that going and it was necessary for his mental health to be able to keep his social life functional while he was spending so much time in bed.

I try to keep rules about times vaguely flexible. So we might watch something on a school night together (or they might get the family room to themselves) if homework is done. Also the Xbox is in there and sometimes one or other wants to play something on that.

Because I use my phone to read novels I can't get too angry at the constant chess playing of the boys and I'm trying to find peace with girlchild's choices of downtime activities.

No screens in bedrooms (no TV, no laptops, no ipads, no phones) This only applies to DD16 because DS10 doesn't have a personal device of any kind yet.

DD not allowed Snapchat or tiktok even now, which caused issues when she was younger and wanted them but we held firm and she agrees we were right now.

DS is allowed one hour of youtube or gaming on the family TV in the living room on 3 days a week, but an adult has to be in the room too. He's not happy with it, but it's that or nothing. He's getting a phone before secondary in a few months so we will have to police that too soon and I'm dreading it.

@Carouselfish your DC may end up out of all yr7 social activity if you aren't careful. At our school there is a mum who keeps trying to arrange stuff for their Yr8 child who has no decent phone & doesn't use snap or WAp.
Other parents ignore her as they don't get involved at high school.
Yr7 - they use phones to organise this lives

• No phones/ipads/switches in bedroom overnight or at the table.
• We have passwords for everything and check regularly. Including web history.
• No phone in school.
• No games or apps downloaded without asking permission first. If that's broken then all electronics lost for a month.
• No purchases (apps, games, in game or in-app) without permission
• Communication channels locked down so it's friends only and no randoms
• Lots of conversations about usage, games, chats/messages with friends

We don't have strict usage limits but try to make sure they are busy, do chores, finish homework, spend time as a family so their electronics time is broken up.

We've got a 12 and 15yo, and honestly the rules have evolved as they've got older. What worked at 11 was a disaster by 13.

At 11 we used Google Family Link—simple, effective, they couldn't bypass it easily. By 13 they'd figured out workarounds and we needed something with more granularity.

What actually helped was switching to a tool that lets us set different rules per app, not just blanket screen time. YouTube gets 30 mins, WhatsApp stays open for family, games shut off at 9pm. It removed the "everything's blocked" battle.

The key thing we learned: involve them in setting the rules. When we imposed them, we fought daily. When we negotiated together, compliance went up about 80%.

For your 11 and 12yo, I'd suggest starting with Family Link or similar, but plan to upgrade around 13 when they get savvier. And definitely keep devices downstairs overnight—that one's non-negotiable for us, despite the protests.

Happy to share what we compared if you're looking at options.