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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd12 told to slit her wrists

22 replies

Lollymop · 20/02/2023 22:40

And end her life by a boy at school
in response to her going out with him then ending it

dd’s friend tried to encourage her to tell a teacher she wouldn’t so friend had a go at him last did 2 other kids.
he then messages dd’s friend (dd unfriebded him) to say sorry

do I take this further or just leave?
dd wants it ro finish she hates drama abs doesn’t want it to get worse

it seems like it’s resolved but I worry. Out this boy he uses terrible language and laughed about rape at one point

wwyd?

OP posts:

FeinCuroxiVooz · 20/02/2023 22:44

the boy is a future criminal in the making if he doesn't get set straight. reporting him would be in his best interests, it might mean he gets the mentoring he needs to not grow up into an utter arsehole. for the sake of the women who will otherwise be his future victims, please do take it further.

xsquared · 20/02/2023 22:44

Your dd has dodged a bullet by ending her association with him. However, I don't think it will be the last she hears of him, especially since they go to the same school.

SlowlyRetreatMyDear · 20/02/2023 22:45

You screenshot the messages and inform the school safeguard lead immediately so that they can deal with it.

I am sorry that your DD has had to deal with this sort of behaviour from someone she went out with. If his behaviour escalates then you report that too otherwise he feels he can say these things to everyone and there are no consequences.

He needs to be told his behaviour and language are unacceptable and safeguarding are the right people to do this. I would ring the school as soon as it opens tomorrow assuming you are not on half term and tell them you need to speak to the designated safeguard lead. If it is half term, email the school with safeguarding in the subject line and someone should pick that up.

Original poster

Lollymop · 20/02/2023 22:45

I get what your saying but I want to do the best for my dd
he is hundred percent on a bad path but I do know the school are aware of his behaviours

OP posts:

SlowlyRetreatMyDear · 20/02/2023 22:46

I meant to add, that not only do you inform school about him but also that your DD has received this so that they can support her too.

Original poster

Lollymop · 20/02/2023 22:47

He didn’t message her that he told her in school she’s unfriended him
yeah I will I just don’t want to break dd’s trust or make it worse she thinks he’ll target her and that it’s over now. Seems she has some good friends

OP posts:

Landndialamrhf · 20/02/2023 22:50

I’d keep the messages and leave it a day or two to see if he’s leaving her alone. It’s a horrible thing to say but I remember kids at school telling people to go and die or they wish the person was dead. It was just a dramatic and hurtful thing to say (though obviously I’m not condoning it)

in this case the people around supported dd which is great and probably taught this boy a lesson in doing so. He’s also apologised without prompting from adults

id probably leave it and let dd escape from any connection with this boy if possible

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 20/02/2023 22:50

Definitely tell the school, they need to know for your daughters sake. My daughter was repeatedly told to commit suicide, she’s in her twenties now and it’s had a massive impact on her. Keep talking to your daughter and help her access support.

ourflagmeansdeath · 21/02/2023 00:01

12 years old is far too young to be hearing about these things. The poor girl -make sure she's fine, and obviously let her know she's loved. If you do tell the school, then make sure she's aware of it - don't go behind her back. At the same time, if she's really insistent not to tell, then let it be unless something happens again. Honestly, this boy seems awful and she's done good ending it with him - rape and suicide jokes are terrible.

BabyOnBoard90 · 21/02/2023 00:50

I would leave it and advise / ensure DD stays away from him

Btjdkfnn · 21/02/2023 01:14

You just need to make sure your dd is ok.

Taking it further will do no good.

There are loads of kids like this and the school can do absolutely nothing. They can hardly stop him going out with the next girl can they? Any "education" in this kind of area is just not listened to by that type of kid.

MrsDS · 21/02/2023 01:26

Tell the school. If not to do anything, they can record and monitor. It could be part of a bigger picture. They can support her and you. Im sorry this has happened x

Original poster

Lollymop · 21/02/2023 06:55

BabyOnBoard90 · 21/02/2023 00:50

I would leave it and advise / ensure DD stays away from him

Oh she def will poor girl told me she knew he was going to be nasty if she ended it so out it off! Poor thing at that age! Had a long chat about it sFe wants to move on and feels teachers investigations will prevent that. I get that. She said that a friend of hers is insistent she should tell but said that if it if something like it happens again she will tell!

OP posts:

Doingmybest12 · 21/02/2023 07:13

It sounds like your daughter made the right decision to dump him and I would concentrate on this and not get involved in anything else. Her friends know so he will have to live with the consequences of this. Children at school say vile things sometimes, I would encourage her to move on and not drag the situation out for her. I am not saying it is ok what was said though.

Newuser82 · 21/02/2023 07:31

I would definitely tell the school. I hope your daughter is ok but some kids hear this kind of thing and if struggling anyway would consider carrying it out. There have obviously been cases in the news where young kids have killed themselves in response to bullying so I'd want the school to be aware in case he does it again or does it to another child.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 21/02/2023 08:14

This is a time when I wouldn't take advice from a child! Yes you do need to report - for both your daughter and the boy's sake.

golightlycat · 21/02/2023 08:36

This has happened to my daughter in Y6 and she tried and now actively self harms. She's in y8 and has since been bullied and sexually harrassed by other children.

I would report it to the school because she needs to know that that behaviour is serious and that you want to protect her. In our case primary school was useless but at secondary they have been super supportive.

It's very dependent on the school but I think they should be told.

ToiletRollTower · 21/02/2023 09:05

My DD had a girl bully her and told her to go kill herself. DD is tough as nails and told me and that she just thought yeh whatever. She did tell her house manager and nothing more was said. DD doesn't like me getting involved and that's fine but I made sure she was ok and happy. I told her not all children can shrug it off and it's very serious. Definitely agree with letting safeguarding lead know. How awful.

ToiletRollTower · 21/02/2023 09:06

Should read as the bully told her to kill herself not my DD saying it to bully

Original poster

Lollymop · 21/02/2023 09:12

I think I’m going to let the scholl
know but ask them not to react and just keep an eye on

OP posts:

Choconut · 21/02/2023 09:13

Why is your 12 year old going out with someone so vile? I would be working very hard on her self esteem and encouraging her to concentrate on things other than boyfriends.

RedCarsGoFaster · 21/02/2023 09:14

This isn't a time your 12yo daughter gets to make the decision. You need to parent and control the next steps here. It's far too serious for her to understand the long term impact of behaviour like his. This isn't about breaking trust thi, this is about her safety and that of others after her.

You need to tell the school. Report it to the safeguarding person there. They need to know what is going on under their noses and then they can act on it accordingly. This boy needs watching and they are the people who have the responsibility to do that - not your 12yo and not you.

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