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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so sad

20 replies

hootipatooti · 20/02/2023 21:50

I feel really pathetic writing this and I know it's aibu but I didn't know where else to post. Please be kind if possible.

I went back to work a fortnight ago following a years maternity leave with my lovely daughter. Neither of us are coping well with the changes but I'd say she's doing marginally better than me! I just hate it. I hate the new routine. I hate all the rushing around. I hate leaving her at nursery where she doesn't sleep or eat properly. I hate the shit job I've gone back to and the colleagues who haven't even acknowledged I'm back (after almost two weeks!) we wfh which you'd think would make life easier but it doesn't. I'd be more distracted around people but now I'm just lonely and trapped in the house waiting to pick up dd.

I've also made the mistake of thinking I could manage a few days with her at home which isn't working. I knew it wouldn't. I will have to make other arrangements.

I just feel really sad and very anxious. I wish more than anything I could quit. I have just had Instagram envy looking at joe wicks and his family in Australia and thinking why can't that be me? Why can't I have money or a job that allows me to travel and just be with my family? After a wonderful year of freedom and lovely time with dd (which I know I've been incredibly lucky to have) this new routine just feels so hollow and unrewarding. I dread it.

I cant afford to quit obviously. But I am seriously thinking of looking for something else, possibly reduced hours or at least something that gives me some job satisfaction to make it all feel more worthwhile. Please someone tells me this gets easier.

OP posts:

Feliciacat · 20/02/2023 21:59

Hi,

I don’t have any children so I’m afraid I can’t offer any advice. I just wanted to say that it sounds very hard to juggle full time work and a baby so you’re not being unreasonable to feel this way. I worry about this too.

Do you have a DP? Could they shoulder the finances so you can work less or not at all? If you claim child tax credits (or something like that) then your national insurance gets paid and so those years count towards your state pension.

I hope you find a solution that works for you. Your coworkers sound rubbish so I’d advise shopping around for other jobs.

Pippa12 · 20/02/2023 22:01

I felt sad when i returned to work, but it passed and I soon didn’t feel stressed/rushed as I became very organised and knew what to expect.

I consider myself to be very lucky that I’ve only worked 2/3 days a week since my children were born. I feel I have the best of both world really- plenty of family time teamed with financial independence and still managed to progress in my career. Would reducing your working days be possible?

Remmy123 · 20/02/2023 22:02

It's early days you will soon get into a new routine it is hard at first I hated it.

can you go part time?

Stompythedinosaur · 20/02/2023 22:03

It is a hard transition, but you will both get used to it.

This time will not last forever. You have to think about your career and the future. I am very happy I returned to work, out whole family would be much worse off if I hadn't. Your little one will settle in their childcare and will grow to love it.

Original poster

hootipatooti · 20/02/2023 22:03

@Feliciacat thank you for replying. Dh does work full time too in a much more senior role. We have a huge mortgage and debt so we can't afford for me to stop work altogether but could maybe stretch to a reduction in hours with a few sacrifices.

I knew going back would be tough but I didn't expect it to feel this gut wrenching. Like having real anxiety the night before work about doing it all again the next day. And like I said it's not like I have a demanding job or a long commute. I work from home! It some ways I think that makes it worse though because it makes me feel like I should be able to keep dd here with me but when I do it's always awful. I really think I need to look for something else.

OP posts:

Cuppsoupmonster · 20/02/2023 22:04

Could they shoulder the finances so you can work less or not at all?

I mean, no. If the sexes were reversed there would be uproar! OP has had her year’s maternity, and now has to go back to work - it sucks but it is what it is. OP it definitely sounds like you need a new job, so I would just concentrate on looking for one. I hated leaving my daughter at nursery to start with but she’s now 3 and the most confident, happy little girl you could meet who adores her friends and the fun activities they do every day. She’s miles ahead of her peers who don’t do much all day but go to the supermarket with their mum and attend the odd play group, socially speaking.

Emmamoo89 · 20/02/2023 22:05

I've been back to work few weeks now part time and got a good routine going. It does get easier x

Cuppsoupmonster · 20/02/2023 22:05

oh I didn’t realise you wfh. Just be careful you could lose that flexibility and end up with a commute which means longer nursery hours.

QuiltedHippo · 20/02/2023 22:07

Things will settle down, she'll get into the swing at nursery and probably eat and sleep better than she does at home! You'll find your feet at work and when toddler behaviour kicks in more you'll relish the quiet time and that it's someone else doing messy play.
It is hard, the rushing about sucks, and doing it for a job you're not feeling makes it worse. If you're not happy absolutely look for something else, but don't feel it all needs sorting today/this week /this month

Hankunamatata · 20/02/2023 22:08

It's only been 2 weeks. For me I started to feel better around 3 months about working then was fully in the swing by 6 months.

Reluctantadult · 20/02/2023 22:09

From my experience with my 2, if anyone asks me I usually say going back to work after maternity you've got to give it 6 months to settle. Personally I went back part time and it worked OK for us.

Although as an aside what I'm finding now is its not so easy to up your hours again when they're in school, in terms of then they want to come home not go to after school club, or go to clubs or swimming lessons, have time for homework etc. So if you do drop some hours don't assume it's only for a couple of years, like I naively did.

Ripleysgameface · 20/02/2023 22:11

Yes it's so hard. I was in the same situation and ended up quitting my job to stay at home.
I had a side hustle for years and turned it into a home based business that I could do from home without needing childcare (I do a lot of work at night when they're in bed).

I don't make mega money but I make enough. When my youngest is in nursery I'll up my game and earn more.

Feliciacat · 20/02/2023 22:12

Cuppsoupmonster · 20/02/2023 22:04

Could they shoulder the finances so you can work less or not at all?

So, it’s not a sex thing and I was sure to not say husband or boyfriend as for all I knew it was a woman partner. Also, several of my friends have stay at home husbands so it’s not a sex thing at all and it didn’t occur to me that one partner staying at home would cause ‘uproar’ (because why would it)? I’ve been the breadwinner for my (male) partner before.

I just meant that childcare is hard so if people can afford it, it’s easier for one parent to stay at home or do reduced hours. It’s what I’m going to do. Or maybe my partner.

Original poster

hootipatooti · 20/02/2023 22:19

I do think the general lack of enthusiasm I have about my job is contributing to this too. I broached the issue of reducing or condensing my hours with my boss before I went on maternity leave and it was a hard no. Not even up for discussion. I got the impression that he saw my mat leave as a big inconvenience in itself.

I think I need time to adjust absolutely. But I don't want to adjust in this job. It's making it all feel so much worse that it's a crap job where I'm undervalued.

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 20/02/2023 22:20

Are you trying to WFH with your little one at home when she isn’t in nursery?

twinkletoesimnot · 20/02/2023 22:21

Stompythedinosaur · 20/02/2023 22:03

It is a hard transition, but you will both get used to it.

Or conversely, this time won't last forever.
They are only little once.
I'd make the sacrifices and go part time if I could afford to.
What does your partner/ husband think?

Franklin2000 · 20/02/2023 22:32

If you can afford to take a reduced hours job and there’s absolutely no harm in looking. You might find something perfect for you and your family. What I really wanted to say is that it does get easier. I only had 6 months off with my first (a long time ago before the improvements in mat leave) but with my second I took the full year and it was hard to go back! I felt I’d really got into the swing of everything and was thriving as a mum. I then had a further 12 months off over lockdown when he was 3 and that was just as bad. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to get used to the change.

thedogsmum · 20/02/2023 22:39

I think you should try to cut your hours, I felt much less stressed when I did that - even a 4 day week was much more bearable, but mornings only was perfect for me. I worked the minimum hours to keep on top of mortgage, bills etc.

Jackie246 · 21/02/2023 20:19

It's so, so hard. So hard. I was the exact same as you but I PROMISE it does get easier. By the time I'd been back a month I had stopped crying at every drop off, and now I've been back six months and it's honestly fine. Sone days are still hard, but overall I look forward to work again, and sometimes appreciate it as a break from being just mummy. Hang in there x

rootsandwings89 · 07/03/2023 15:35

How are you feeling OP? I could have written your post myself. I returned to work end of Jan 4 days a week, WFH and in the office. Also been envious of Joe wicks and his bloody photos on Australia! I feel I've coped ok but the rushing around and swapping over all the time is starting to get to me and today I'm really teary and feel exhausted. Constantly having to worry about who is walking the dog, who is picking DD up from school, who has my DS (just turned 1) and when I'm home I'm distracted by the laundry or the dishwasher etc.

I've spoken to my manager and cut my hours after looking at our finances, as of april I'll be doing 20 hours which is much more do-able.

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