AIBU to talk to family member about their B.O?

[VisitorDilemma]

We have a family member (DHs side) who sometimes comes to stay. Last time they came we noticed they had quite bad B.O. but we couldn't think how to say anything at the time without really embarrassing or upsetting them.

Now they are due to visit again and I don't want them to until we have tackled this, because it was really unpleasant. They chose not to use the shower, hadn't brought a deodorant with them, and seemed completely oblivious.

AIBU to say DH needs to speak to his family member about this before they stay with us again?

And if so, how on earth do we raise such a thing?!

Is it kinder in the long run to say something? Or better to avoid rocking the boat?

People like this are often unaware there is an issue and feel personally attacked when it is raised. It's something I've seen more than once and has always been difficult or impossible to address. All the subtle and gentle hints seem to go over their heads. I don't envy you.

During my late teens and early 20s I suffered really bad with bo but for the most of the time I was unaware , its like smokers/ drinkers think no-one can smell them I couldn't smell me.

No one in my immediate family said anything but eventually a well meaning friend told me , I was hurt and cross at him for a short while but in the long term I am glad he told me.

I would say tell your family member don't beat about the bush saying things like have you tried this deodorant, iam having a shower you can go before/ after me.
I had this kind of thing at itwent over my head 🙄.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer with something like this. There are consequences to acting, and consequences to not acting. (Positive and/ or negative).
It’s a matter of which you can live with or not. 🌻

Just tell them straight, nicely, so they can't misconstrue what you say.

How do you raise the issue? It's tricky but could your husband try the following?

Ask the person if they could have a quick chat about something private, making sure that no one else is around. (If necessary, get everyone out of the house.) Start by saying how much everyone likes the individual and enjoys his / her company. Then mention that there is an issue that is delicate. Tell the person diplomatically that their personal hygiene is not what it could be. Ask if there is a problem or anything your husband can do to help. Your husband could finish by saying that he likes and respects the person and that he wants to make sure that the visit is enjoyed by all.

Hmm tough one! I think it's pretty disgusting they aren't showering but if they are staying in your home and not showering, is a different story because it becomes a problem for you, so yes I'd tell your DH to say something with a slightly more gentle approach if possible, in private and it would be good if he could whisper it in person when he comes down.
Something along the lines..'Do us a favour, take a quick shower, don't think anyone else has noticed but thought you might want to tinker off and get washed' Something like that? 🤣

Hi Op

I would buy a separate soap/or liquid wash /hair wash for sensitite types preferably) skin and obviously have separate bath/,hand towels

Then sit them down for a one to one chat,

Just say gently that you have noticed that they have a b.o problem around them,

Sorry to have to say this to you,
its arkward/difficult for me to do this,

Say when it's time for bath times ect, say are you going into bath /shower before or after me?

Take it from there

How will you manage a change of clothes for them? If they’re not washing often enough, I wonder if they’ll have clean clothes on hand.

Nah, I’d have to get your husband to say something. Someone not washing is grim anyway. Say your sure people haven’t mentioned anything to be kind, but they have a BO problem and they need to wash/use deodorant to make it bearable to come and stay again.

I would wait till he arrives and when he retires to bed or wakes up just put the shower on for him and direct him to it. Also buy him a deodorant if he doesn’t have one and just pass it to him saying ‘everyone needs deodorant, especially men’ . Do it warmth and kindness and a bit of humour

They usually stay for 1-2 nights and as far as I know don't bring a change of clothes, and they borrow towels/shower gel etc from us.

I was thinking we need to say something before they come, so they're not on the spot and then stuck with us feeling embarrassed. But maybe DH having a quiet word when they're here is better as can be done more casually rather than phoning them for a conversation about it.

@VisitorDilemma I'd definitely keep it casual and sensitive in person, a phone call will come off really wrong.

I can't be doing with this and have more than once taken a direct approach and said something. Do it to their face, if they're close enough to be staying with you fairly regularly, they're close enough to hear that they need a shower and deodorant and clean clothes like all the other adults. You can't be having somone stinking up your spare bedding. No good.

Like PP have said, they've become used to and fond of the smell of their own pits, but it doesn't mean everyone else has, just take the bull by the horns and tell them they need a wash because their armpits are a bit on top. If they say that they don't like deodorant/washing/whatever, tell them that we don't do it for ourselves, but we do it for other people and chuck a towel at them.

If they get the hump they won't stay again, so problem solved either way.

Good luck!

My husband has had to do this a couple of times with employees.

I wanted to die of secondhand embarrassment, of course. 🙈

But he was matter of fact about it. No emotion in his voice and told him that it was unhygienic and unfair to the other colleagues.

He said, 'so i want to see you in a clean t-shirt tomorrow and every day. And you need to wash your clothes as well'

It didn't happen again, thankfully.