Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

I never seen in pregnancy but now baby is here

17 replies

Lanzy · 20/02/2023 16:20

I just wondered how people would feel on this one, if you never seen your other halfs mum in pregnancy but then when baby was born?

I never seen his mum whilst pregnant, we have always been long distance and I’d be visiting weekends sometimes longer and invited up to ours for takeaway she never took up but when I wasn’t here she would come occasionally for dinner especially towards end of pregnancy. I only met her on count of 5 times prior to pregnancy
pregnancy i never seen her. Now baby is here she wants to babysit, take her or come along pretty much weekly. I feel overwhelmed as still hardly know her and I’m glad it’s for baby but some days when she comes I feel drained and partner is just in door from work and I want to be able to chill :(
I still hardly know her. Her and friend are keen to have more hours with baby but I am BF so made that but they keep insisting and taking her out

I feel bad because I’d have loved a good relationship with my boyfriends mum but I don’t have that? :(. Does anyone just not really have that either with theirs..

OP posts:

Sapphire387 · 20/02/2023 16:34

I very much believe she should be cultivating a good relationship with you if she wants to have one with your child. You're not a brood mare and your child isn't a toy for her to take out whenever she wants.

GGMTJ · 20/02/2023 16:37

Well, they can't insist and I would definitely not agree to them taking her out without you.

On the plus side, could this be an opportunity for you and her to get closer? Bonding over a new baby isn't uncommon. But she needs to agree some ground rules about when she comes round, how often, how long, how far in advance it needs to be agreed. And she needs to take an interest in you not just the baby!

Cherrysoup · 20/02/2023 16:39

She can insist all she wants and you can tell her to get lost. She has no right to insist, your baby is not a toy. Your partner needs to tell her to back off and let you bond with your baby. No more than one visit a month, which doesn’t involve her taking the baby off you or out of the house.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 20/02/2023 16:43

no it isn't ok for people you don't know (well) to expect time with the baby without you, even if they're genetically related.

DO tell her things she CAN do to help or when / how it would be nice to visit. IF she does these things that's nice she is trying to have a stronger relationship - IF she doesn't do the things you say would be welcome/nice they you can say no to other visits etc. with a clear conscience.

Examples

It's not convenient for you to take the baby out without me. But if you bring us some cake I'll make us both a cup of tea and you can have a play with the baby here, so I can drink a nice hot cup of tea for a change.

Hello12345678910 · 20/02/2023 18:33

8 years with my OH and I'd met his mum 4/5 times (she's made it pretty obvious she doesn't like me)
Fast forward to baby being born - suddenly I'm her best friend 🙄

FannyCann · 20/02/2023 18:41

I still hardly know her. Her and friend are keen to have more hours with baby but I am BF so made that but they keep insisting and taking her out

Who is the friend?
Not that it matters. You are breastfeeding. Don't let them take the baby out. And when you want to breastfeed disappear up to your room and insist on privacy - it's your time of closeness with your baby. You don't need someone you barely know breathing down your neck, waiting to grab the baby off you or offering unwanted advice.

Now is the time to lay down boundaries OP. I know it's hard but it's your baby not hers.

I couldn't bear to be parted from my babies in the early weeks. Hours? The baby will need feeding! And when not feeding you will be wanting to get into a routine of putting the baby down for a sleep.

BigFeelingsMoment · 20/02/2023 18:59

I would not be giving unsupervised access to my tiny infant child to someone I don’t know, let alone their “friend”. She needs to spend more time with you all as a family and build up trust.

BigFeelingsMoment · 20/02/2023 18:59

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 20/02/2023 16:43

no it isn't ok for people you don't know (well) to expect time with the baby without you, even if they're genetically related.

Examples

This is good advice.

MelaniesFlowers · 20/02/2023 19:03

Just say no. Don’t let her take baby or she’ll forever walk all over you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/02/2023 19:04

Are you letting her take the baby out alone?

Nowthenhere · 20/02/2023 19:47

Now is the time to get into practice to advocate for your newborn.

Your baby has a biological and emotional need to be close to you all day and all night. They have absolutely no need for anyone else at this time of their development.

Do not allow a strangers wants to derail your decisions. Your partner's mum and her friends will need to wait until your baby is emotionally developed enough to be separated from you.

You choose when that is, no one else.

This is still a stranger and you need to know that they will not allow your child to be crying to the point of distress and will meet your baby's needs in your absence.

Original poster

Lanzy · 21/02/2023 06:08

Baby is also formula fed and with it being his mum. My partner is all for it but I just feel a little overwhelmed xx

OP posts:

StridTheKiller · 21/02/2023 06:54

No. Just no.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/02/2023 06:57

Lanzy · 21/02/2023 06:08

Baby is also formula fed and with it being his mum. My partner is all for it but I just feel a little overwhelmed xx

Whilst you don't know her your partner dies.

This is something the two of you are going to need to work out.

How often is your family seeing baby?

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/02/2023 06:57

Does not dies. Sorry for typo.

Raindancer411 · 21/02/2023 07:40

No, she doesn't get to choose when to see you just as you now have a child. If she was like they before, how long until the novelty of a young baby wears off and she disappears again...

Do what you feel is best...

LookItsMeAgain · 21/02/2023 08:45

MN is full to the gills of posts like yours @Lanzy . Where either side stays away during the pregnancy but once the little one is here, they arrive and they are pestering you no end to get access to the baby.

My advice would be, before you allow anyone access, is to agree some boundaries (such as times that people must leave by or no pets on visits or whatever you feel strongly about) and then slowly allow short visits. If it's not going a way that you feel comfortable with, then politely decline any visits and start again from scratch.

Don't do anything that you're not happy to do.

Flip