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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing boyfriend due to his kids?

36 replies

bllackcat · 20/02/2023 14:33

Bit of background, I've been seeing someone for nearly 4 months now. He has 2 children (12 and 14) and I also have 2 (10 and 16). I have my children most of the time, but every other weekend they go to their Dads. My oldest is also usually happy to sit the youngest if required.

I need to start off by saying that the guy I'm seeing does appear to be a great Dad, and prioritises his children, which is always a good thing.

The issue (for me!) is that he doesn't have a set contact schedule. He appears to have them the majority of the time, but they come and go between his and their Mum's house. He also takes them to all of their sport, and there is a lot. Sometimes they'll decide to stay at their Mum's, but won't tell him until the last minute. I then get a call at about 5pm asking if I want to go over that evening. Now technically I could ask my oldest to have my youngest, and sometimes I do, but I would find it unfair to ask a lot, and also at very short notice.

So although I find it fantastic that he is so flexible with his kids and co-parents very well, it means it's extremely difficult to see him. We get on well but would I be unreasonable to call things off? I'm currently managing to only see him once every 7-10 days and I don't see how things can progress this way. I'm not prepared to introduce him to my children after 4 months, or ask my oldest to sit more frequently!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 14:34

I'd end it and move on. I wouldn't be dealing with that faff.

RealBecca · 20/02/2023 14:36

He just needs to set dates with you instead of being disorganised

UdoU · 20/02/2023 14:37

YANBU. You can end it for any reason you want to. Would you want to spend all that time with his kids? And would it be fair to your kids?

PatriciaHolm · 20/02/2023 14:56

Given you have your children all the time other than every other weekend, surely you would struggle to see him more than once a week or so anyway otherwise you are asking your eldest to have your youngest regardless? I'm not sure how him being more flexible would help - you are the one with the major constraint, as far as I can see?

KarmaStar · 20/02/2023 15:01

He is the one you need to discuss this with I think.

Original poster
bllackcat · 20/02/2023 15:02

@PatriciaHolm We both have our children the same amount of time, the difference is contact is set for mine but it's not for him. The issue really is him finding out he doesn't have his children that evening at the very last minute and then asking me to do something. If he was to say 'I don't have my kids on this day', or 'shall we do something on this day' and I have mine, then I would get a sitter sorted. Being asked at 5pm to do something that evening is how he likes to do things and I just don't think that's sustainable!

OP posts:
Original poster
bllackcat · 20/02/2023 15:03

I will definitely discuss this with him, I'm just interested to hear what others think first. I asked my friend and she said it wasn't fair for me to end things with him because of this reason!

OP posts:
WhichOneOfYasHasHadAShit · 20/02/2023 15:05

I would speak to him.
Try and get some set days in then you both know what you are doing.

Newwardrobe · 20/02/2023 15:05

This is just how him and his ex manage raising their children and it obviously works for them. If it doesn't work for you then you can end it.

ittakes2 · 20/02/2023 15:40

I am not getting why his children have to be at their mums before its OK for you to visit.

noodkes · 20/02/2023 15:44

Neither approach is wrong, but it does create an unavoidable incompatibility. If o were you I’d keep looking for someone with a routine more aligned to mine

MissyB1 · 20/02/2023 15:45

ittakes2 · 20/02/2023 15:40

I am not getting why his children have to be at their mums before its OK for you to visit.

I'm guessing they havent introduced each other to their kids yet.

JPG21 · 20/02/2023 15:54

He's not doing anything wrong but if you're not flexible in the same way he is probably best you move on 💐

JPG21 · 20/02/2023 15:55

Btw you can end a relationship for ANY reason if it's not working for you, fair doesn't come into it x

Abouttoblow · 20/02/2023 15:56

ittakes2 · 20/02/2023 15:40

I am not getting why his children have to be at their mums before its OK for you to visit.

Because they've only been together for a few months and don't want to introduce their children to a relatively new partner. Rightly so.

00100001 · 20/02/2023 15:59

ittakes2 · 20/02/2023 15:40

I am not getting why his children have to be at their mums before its OK for you to visit.

They've been together less than 4 months and only seeing each other maybe 1 time a week... I wouldn't introduce my kids to someone I'd met maybe a dozen times

00100001 · 20/02/2023 16:00

Would he drop/leave his kids with a baby sitter to come and see you?

MarshaMelrose · 20/02/2023 16:04

Going out with someone or not going out with them is not about fairness. It's about whether the relationship makes you happy. It seems like he likes this set up with his children. That it works for him. However, if it's bringing stress into your life, then it's not working for you. You're only 4 months in and you're already thinking of ending it so I think the relationship has no legs. Get out before you invest too much time in him.

KindlyKanga · 20/02/2023 16:05

Sure. End it for any reason.

spacechimp79 · 20/02/2023 16:08

I would end it to be honest as I like routine and couldn't be arsed to have to fit in around this chaotic lifestyle.

MsMarch · 20/02/2023 16:14

It's not about his children. It's about the fact that he doesn't like to make plans in advance and you do. Which is perfectly fine. So yes, end it.

ourflagmeansdeath · 20/02/2023 16:15

A bit chaotic. Obviously talk to him about it, and if things don't change and get better, than end it. Make sure you communicate all the problems you have with it - including how it affects your kids, for example having to have the 16 year old babysit the 10 year old last minute.

Grizzledstrawberry · 20/02/2023 16:17

If he wanted to make time for you he would, there's absolutely no reason he can't tell his ex he won't be available on certain nights, your too low on his list of priorities.

I was swaying to his side until you said you only saw him every 7-10 days, that's ridiculous and I would be wondering if there's another reason that he's not all in with you.

Grizzledstrawberry · 20/02/2023 16:18

KindlyKanga · 20/02/2023 16:05

Sure. End it for any reason.

This, there doesn't have to be a huge reason or excuse. It not working for you is enough of a reason.

Zanatdy · 20/02/2023 16:25

How did you meet him? I’ve been seeing my bf for 3 months and he has his kids 100% of the time currently, so we are seeing each other same amount of time as you, but it’s not last minute. It’s due to change soon and he should get 2 nights free a week. We haven’t introduced each other to our kids either and that perfectly normal, not sure why someone is asking why his kids need to be gone to their mums for you to go over. That’s obvious after 4 months surely? I’d speak to him about setting a more regular contact schedule. If he won’t then I’d walk away. Reason I asked how you met is because my bf and I met at work, so he wasn’t on dating sites pretending he’s got plenty of time, it just happened and we are trying to make it work until things change. Fortunately mine are older and no evening babysitter required

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