To not invite anyone from the class?

[WhoToInviteDilemma]

DC is going to be 9 in a couple of months’ time, and I’m just thinking about their party

Numbers are limited so I’d originally said they could invite 12 from their class of 26, the rest would be made up of cousins/relatives, my friends DC and a neighbours DC who go to a different school.

But recently DCs been having some issues with friendships in the class and says they don’t particularly like anyone – the class have been together since Reception despite their being 3 classes per year for various reasons they were never mixed.

There are 24 spaces at the party (25 in total but the birthday child counts) but you don’t have to fill all the spaces there is a minimum number though (10).
I should be able to make the minimum number with other DC; they have 7 cousins across mine and ExHs family and my neighbour has 2 DC which makes 10 with DC.

Only issue I can see is that if someone whose invited can’t make it the party gets cancelled.

For added context: DC has not been invited to any parties this school year, none at all, they don’t seem bothered. School are encouraging but not forcing DC to try and make friends but it’s hard because DC feels different to their classmates – School have said Y3/4/5 is prime time for friendship issues in general as they start to develop interests other than the generic TV shows/sports etc and DC does have completely different hobbies to their classmates which is just how it's ended up and no-ones fault, up until this school year DC seemed to have friends in the class and be fine.

DC is not distressed as such but does say it's sad they have no friends in school

So WWYD? Risk the party being cancelled or invite a few from the class even though DCs not keen?

Wouldn’t it be better to work with DS to decide who he would like to have a party with and then choose a venue/activity that fit the guest list?

What's the activity? In my experience most venues only have minimum numbers for cost effective reasons, so as long as you are willing to pay for the extra that drops out to make up 10 then it won't be an issue. I've done that before.

I don't see why there would be an issue not inviting from the school, but is you child happy with cousins and your friends kids?

Off topic but Would your child be happier in another school with his friends?

@NumberTheory DC has chosen this venue themselves, I've asked them who from the class they want to invite and they shrugged and said they weren't bothered.

@Newnamefor2021 Activity is bowling and laser tag. I'm happy to pay the minimum numbers but it's whether there's enough to make teams for the laser tag bit, but I can discuss with the venue.

I've asked DC who they want from the class and they just shrugged and said not bothered. It does feel sad to me but they've just not got a solid friend in school, they have them at hobbies/extra curricular and are good friends with my neighbours DC and their cousins.

Could change school but not sure whether we'd find the same issue.

Ahh. Well he’s 9 which is old enough to think about these things and maybe make a trade off or two. So I’d sit down and chat about the need to invite a few more than 10 if he wants this and maybe lead into a discussion about what’s really going on at school and whether the party could be a good way to help build new friendships.

@WhoToInviteDilemma if he has some friends in his hobby groups, would he like any of them to attend?

Why doesn't he invite friends from his hobbies rather than from school?

I think with laser tag you really do need minimum numbers to make it fun. At 9 I think they are old enough to make a decision whether they invite rookie to make up numbers or don’t do the activity.
The other option may be to go down the bone party route and just go to a normal session.

We've just done a 9th birthday sleepover party, and within a week several of the children who came decided they didn't like her anymore. I'm livid, and she's sad. At this age, unless they have strong friendships, I'd ditch the school friends if the child isn't confident about them.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable not to invite anyone from the class - nobody's feelings would be hurt. As for filling it up, I'm sure there'll be a way to find 7 children which is the minimum number. Also you say a few months - does this mean there will be time until the party? Because if so, you could gently encourage your DC to make friends with some classmates, just to try. If not, perhaps in any clubs they may be able to make friends?

Thanks everyone @espresso14 You're right about that I think.

In terms of hobbies DC isn't confident inviting the children from there, but I might have a chat with the people leading and see if they have any suggestions of friends.

In terms of school, the teachers said that it's not as if DC is actively disliked or not wanted in the class, it's just in terms of their interests (which develop around this age) they're different from their classmates. The teacher said she's asked several of the class about DC and no-one said anything negative or concerning more "They're not my friend as I like X and Y and they like A and B", hopefully it'll sort itself out.

DC is still doing very well at school and seems to enjoy it so I don't want to move them and potentionally have the same issue with friends but then find they suffer academically too.

Is there any adults to step in if numbers are not met? I wouldn't invite people from the class just to make up numbers, it's kind of using them really!

@ourflagmeansdeath It's in May, end of May so yes there's time and I suppose I could always book on cousins/friends/neighbours and save the others in case a friendship at school develops. I don't have to confirm numbers until 5 days before.

Check with venue, i also expect min numbers mean you have to pay for 10 regardless. Unless you have exclusive use of the laser tag there is likely to be other people included in the teams so should be fine.

Any friends from hobbies he could invite?

Surely you and dad just step in and play if numbers are low?

I would try asking some people from hobby groups and also maybe ask the teacher which children from class she thinks are most likely to be up for including your DC if they got to know them a bit better, and who might come to the party and join in. It might be a chance to develop soem friendships.

Also - don't step in just to fill in numbers or bring in any other adults! like a few PP have suggested! In my experience, children wouldn't find that very amusing or fun, they'd much prefer other kids. When my DC were 9, they'd have hated having mum and dad playing at their birthday party. Obviously, it does depend on your DC and whether they'd mind but me personally no!!! Bad idea.

How about suggesting he invites a few from his class to make sure he has enough guests to take part in the activity but don't invite more than the out of school invites. Even if a couple drop out, there will be equal numbers of friends and classmates which should stop anything getting tricky.

Why not just ask the children who are friends ie extra curricular and hobbies friends. I think the classroom politics around birthday parties is dredful. My children did get invited to parties but their own birthdays were celebrated with family only. If too many invites came in close together the invite was declined. The school parents and children had no issue with our choices and my children were no less popular.