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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If another child is rude to your child

40 replies

Passivhaus · 20/02/2023 01:10

A child who is friends with our child shouted at him earlier today, right in his face saying he hates that game as he didn't want to do something DS wanted to do. DS was really upset, other child's parent didn't notice and I took DS off to calm down. Would you have said something either to other child or parent? I basically did nothing as I didn't want to cause a scene but I felt so bad for DS who didn't deserve that. Or is it just one of those things?

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 20/02/2023 20:05

100% the other kids would've had a telling off from me. Along the lines of "Don't talk to him like that! It's rude and totally unacceptable. I think you should apologise."

ComfortablyDazed · 20/02/2023 20:14

SoupDragon · 20/02/2023 19:57

The votes are "You Are Being Unreasonable" and "You Are Not Being Unreasonable"

so, YABU and YANBU.

Show quote history

Right. But … the op told the OP off for ‘using non-standard MN abbreviations’ which is what I was responding to?

They're not ‘non-standard’.

Ellie1015 · 20/02/2023 20:16

No shouting. As you bring your own child to you. And dont see that child again if the parent routinely ignores unkind behavior. Most parents would have noticed and acted at the same time as you.

Ellie1015 · 20/02/2023 20:16

I mean i would say "No shouting"

ScentOfAMemory · 20/02/2023 20:17

It depends what had led up to the outburst.
Seems bizarre, as one pp has said, for the shouting to have come out of nowhere. What were they doing immediately beforehand?

ReadtheReviews · 20/02/2023 20:17

Would've said 'shouting in someone's face is rude and horrible' to the child.

AlwaysWorriedAboutEverything · 20/02/2023 20:21

Oof I hate when this happens. I always find it very awkward but I have recently started properly telling these kids off, instead of muttering "that's not very nice" to no-one in particular. I am a bit of a wet lettuce when it comes to conflict, but my kid needs to know I have their back so I have started to intervene if the other kid has been particularly bad. Usually I go up to the kid and kneel down and say hi, followed by something non-threatrning about how their behaviour wasn't very kind, and it's sort of worked so far. I always try to think how my kid's teacher would handle it and do something similar. Having said that, I have recently semi shouted at a particularly naughty kid because he was bullying my kid. I had asked them nicely before but it didn't work so I had to get stern. The parents were there watching but didn't give a toss. 🙄

CeeceeBloomingdale · 20/02/2023 20:28

It rather depends if your DS had mithered and pestered the other child to play a game they didn't want to play or whether it was a random outburst. I'm sure you'll now say the latter. Personally I don't micro manage friendships but try to teach resilience and how to be a good frienddo I'd have let it go and had a chat with DS later about what happened.

Scotty12 · 20/02/2023 20:35

I would tell the child off immediately. In a firm but fair, kind and no nonsense teacher way. I don’t think you can go back and do anything about it now without damaging your relationship with the child’s parent.

SoupDragon · 20/02/2023 20:44

ComfortablyDazed · 20/02/2023 20:14

Right. But … the op told the OP off for ‘using non-standard MN abbreviations’ which is what I was responding to?

They're not ‘non-standard’.

Show quote history

Right. And they are "non standard" because they don't relate at all to the vote which is what that part of the post was explaining.

BigBunkers · 20/02/2023 20:54

I’d say something like suggested ‘it’s not kind to shout in people’s faces Jeffrey’ nice and neutrally but perhaps slightly louder than normal in the hope of attracting the parent’s attention

lljkk · 20/02/2023 21:21

How old, OP?

LolaSmiles · 20/02/2023 21:25

It would depend on the age and what was happening in the run up to the shouting.

If DC was bothering another child and eventually the child got fed up then I'd have a different reaction than if DC had been playing nicely.

On the whole I tend to let children work situations out unless they look to me for assistance. I'm not convinced parents swooping in all the time helps children feel confident in their own ability to learn conflict resolution.

mattbee · 20/02/2023 21:31

The couple of times it's happened I know how my child will feel, so I focus on supporting him. "Wow, Rob, what a horrible thing for (Mallory) to have said. I wonder why he'd say such a horrible thing to you? You know you don't have to talk to him tomorrow if you don't want to". I'm supporting my child but also don't care who else hears.

Ontheperiphery79 · 17/07/2023 20:44

Had it a couple of times in the small park near my 5 year old twins' school, with a particular little boy shoving my Twin 2 and kicking wood shavings in her face.
Both times, I've managed to stay calm (so unlike me) and just said "Please don't do that to my child" and eye contact, but zero 'hard stare'.
I don't want to helicopter parent, but I don't want my Twin 2 (who is ND, an highly anxious child and totally unable to stand up for herself) to think it's okay for another child to be like that with her.
By the same token, if either of my twins are rude/off with another kid, I'm the first to say "Please don't speak to <random child> like that, Twin 1/2".
I probably don't get it right, and I can't be there for everything, but I'll call things out when I see them.

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