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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to have told her about my plans

21 replies

laptoploved · 19/02/2023 17:21

On Sundays my mum and I often go out for lunch. We sometimes go to church first then we go home to her house (in separate cars). Then we go wherever we've decided for lunch.

Usually we have discussed and booked this ahead of time. Occasionally we haven't been organised enough but we will ask each other on the Sunday morning if we fancy going out for lunch. We can then decide the specifics of where we're going closer to lunchtime.

Neither of us had booked anywhere for today, we hadn't discussed it previously and it wasn't mentioned this morning either. I assumed that, as we hadn't made plans, we weren't going out this week (and added to this assumption was that I had spent the day with her yesterday). I went to church this morning and when it was over, some friends told me they were going out for lunch and asked if I wanted to join them. I said yes and had an early lunch with my friends.

The issue is that I have just spoken to my mum and she is very annoyed that I didn't tell her I wasn't going out with her today. She says she waited on me and it would have been good manners to tell her because she has a life. I replied that I'm sorry she waited but as we hadn't made any plans together, I hadn't thought it was necessary to tell her I had made other spontaneous plans. She thinks I have treated her badly and is still angry.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ItsAllSoComplicated · 19/02/2023 17:28

If you usually ask her on the Sunday morning, if you haven’t already booked somewhere, then YWBU to not at least tell her you wouldn’t be eating with her today. I wouldn’t leave anyone hanging if it was normal for us to have plans for lunch together. She isn’t a mind reader.

BellaJuno · 19/02/2023 17:48

Your use of the words “often” and “usually” in your first post does gives the impression it happens more often than not. And on that basis, I’d say it was a little rude to not let her know you definitely wouldn’t be having lunch with her this week.

MadMadMadamMim · 19/02/2023 17:50

Would it have taken much to have phoned and said 'I'm off to church - are you coming?' You would presumably both then have been asked out for lunch. I can see why she feels left out.

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 17:52

YABU. You do this regularly, so yes, you should have consulted your mum on your plans. It’s just polite.

Tilllly · 19/02/2023 17:53

I think I'd be irritated if I were your mum - tho quite see why you assumed you weren't doing anything with her today

Can you just send her a message and say I'm really sorry, I assumed we weren't seeing each other today as we did yesterday. I should've let you know for certain, sorry to have mucked you about.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/02/2023 17:53

As you seem to have lunch together more often than not I don't see why you couldn't have chucked her a text to say "BTW I'm planning on having lunch with Bob and Sue today, hope you don't mind?"

It's not the greatest sin but from her perspective I can understand thinking it was a bit lame of you not to have just let her know.

Fixed · 19/02/2023 17:57

Do you go with your Mum every Sunday?

greenspaces4peace · 19/02/2023 17:57

i agree with @BellaJuno "often" and "usually" suggests a pattern.
yup you were unreasonable and even more so for standing her up for someone else, like she's second choice. you're mom's only an option if nothing better comes about.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/02/2023 17:59

Yabu, can you really not see why?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 19/02/2023 18:00

Yabu.

You only saw her yesterday. Surely it would’ve have hurt to mention that you weren’t planning on seeing her today if it’s something you usually do.

SarahDippity · 19/02/2023 18:02

Is it a reverse?

VladmirsPoutine · 19/02/2023 18:04

@SarahDippity Now you mention...

Tilllly · 19/02/2023 18:10

SarahDippity · 19/02/2023 18:02

Is it a reverse?

I see this asked on MN a lot

Am I being totally thick? What's a reverse?

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 18:12

Out of the last 6 Sundays, how many times have you gone for lunch with your mom?

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 18:13

@Tilllly it's when someone posts pretending to be the other person in the scenario. They tend to do it with too much detail in certain areas which is why people often spot them.

Pricklyheath · 19/02/2023 18:14

Well your dm could have rung you couldn’t she?

ScottishBeth · 19/02/2023 18:27

I'm a bit confused why everyone says you were unreasonable. Why couldn't your mum have texted or called you and asked about lunch plans?

If she's generally reasonable there's probably no harm in saying you're sorry for the misunderstanding. But I don't think you exactly did anything wrong.

Tilllly · 19/02/2023 18:35

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 18:13

@Tilllly it's when someone posts pretending to be the other person in the scenario. They tend to do it with too much detail in certain areas which is why people often spot them.

Thanks, that makes sense now

Tho why on earth someone would do that, baffles me!

Pixiedust1234 · 19/02/2023 18:38

So you usually have lunch/walk with your mum. You sometimes don't book but wing it on the day to involve lunch/walk...and today you have ditched her and wonder why she's annoyed you didn't tell her?

You can't be this self absorbed surely Confused

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 19:05

@Tilllly they normally do it with the exaggeration to manipulate people to vote 'their' way

MuggleMe · 19/02/2023 21:52

I think good communication is always helpful.

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